Dear Dad

Posted on 30 Aug 2012 @ 6:29pm by Lieutenant Aria Rice

544 words; about a 3 minute read

Just one more moment.

I need a moment to breathe. It's like everything has crashed down too quickly. So much. There's so much going on and I am hanging by my nails. Which I have bitten right down as well! Seriously, Dad...I don't know how you managed for so long. I don't. I'm still shaking and let's face it...the shit hit the fan days ago.

I know it is silly, addressing this to you. I mean, you are dead. I know you are. But...I have always addressed things to you. So why stop now?

I won't waste tears on compromise either. It's either to you or to no one. Prefer you.

There's a Vorta here, Dad. And for once I was more worried about my crew hurting him than the other way around. Strange, isn't it? I mean, once they were our enemies. I should hate them. You were killed. By them, by the Dominion. But...I can't make myself hate him. Or Cardassians. Or anyone. Hatred, pure hatred, is such a powerful emotions. And one I believe I am too inexperienced to have a true understanding of. And...I just know life is too short to hate people for following orders.

Because you once said that soldiers were soldiers. I still remember that. We were out. Selene city, the smell around us of the sickly sweet flowers, unnaturally bright. And this boy, my age, came to you. You had your uniform. Handsome, Mama said you were so handsome. I suppose you were, in your own way. But he asked you about killing. And I remember what you said.

Soldiers are soldiers.

No hatred. Just the recognition that soldiers obeyed orders. Not always wise one. But you taught me something else too. That I could, that I should, always be curious, always ask questions, doubt if I have to.

In our darkest hours. I still doubt, I still can't get past how cold people can get. I try not to be like that. I refuse to be like that. I won't be popular for it, but so much as gone wrong, Dad. So much. Misery. Pain. People killed, people wounded. And I start to get scared.

What if I can't hold onto my kindness?

What if I can't hold back this anger that builds up?

What if I can't stop myself in time to save a life?

Dad, I know this is a lot to ask. But keep an eye on me? Just in case. I don't expect guardian angels, just...hope. I suppose so. Hope that maybe I will make a difference somehow.

Because there is good here. On this ship. There's Kohl. Yes, I didn't really get him at first. I do now. And there's Scarlet and Lily. They're so wonderful, amazing. I want to spend more time with them as well. Try and...and be their friend. Help out of I can. Not that Scarlet needs help. She's brilliant with her.

Pretty amazing woman all around. And I mean, she has a stunning body and those lips, I just want to...

Okay. Way too much info for you, Dad.

Phew. Feels good to have all that off my chest now. Thanks. You always listen.

Computer. End personal log.

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