Still Time

Posted on 18 Feb 2013 @ 8:12pm by Rear Admiral Lirha Saalm & Commander Scarlet Blake

3,823 words; about a 19 minute read

Mission: Episode 03 - Frontier
Location: USS Galileo - Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD 01 - 1030 hrs

[ON]

Standing in front of the doors to the counseling office, Lirha nervously tapped her green finger above the door's chime. She felt reluctant to enter and a surge of anxiety suddenly swept through her as she realized she was about to face some of her demons. Well, maybe not demons, but at least some sort of troublesome spirits. Ever since her last counseling session with Doctor Carlisle, there had been much on the captain's mind. It had taken her many days but she had finally begun to realize that she had not fully recovered from her experiences during the Project Sienna mission, and now she was dealing with an added stress; Her recent 'breakup' with Maenad and the issue of her pheromones.

Letting out a deep breath, Lirha finally moved her finger down to the door's keypad and pressed the chime, then clasped her hands behind her back as she patiently waited to be called inside.

"Come in!" Scarlet called out, pushing herself to stand. She smiled warmly as the by now familiar figure of the woman moved in. She hadn't spent much time with her, but on such a small ship she had seen her coming and going often enough. "Please, Captain, take a seat. Let me get you a drink or something?"

As the gray doors swished open, Lirha stepped inside of the counselor's officer and came to a stop near the edge of the couch. She smiled at the dark haired counselor who she quickly identified as Lieutenant Blake, then gently sat down. "Hot chocolate, please." she replied politely.

Scarlet nodded gently to her, moving to get them both the same. Sometimes, comfy was good. She moved to sit with the emerald hued woman, offering a cup over. "How are you keeping? It's been a while," she gave a half smile at that. Thinking about it, the last time they'd spoken properly must have been when she was promoted, and that hadn't been much more than a few words during the busy day. Scarlet had worried about the Captain, and felt for her, after what Lirha had been through with the Klingons. But she hadn't wanted to crowd her with concern, not when she knew others had been close by.

Reaching out with her green hands, Lirha delicately took the warm mug from the counselor and brought the frothy drink to her lips as she sipped slowly. Closing her eyes and letting out a soft sigh, she curled her legs underneath her and leaned against the cushion. "Yes, it has been a while." she replied, returning the blue-eyed woman's smile with one of her own. "I have been well enough, I suppose." she added with a slight shrug. "It was good to have some time to myself during shore leave. And yourself? I trust Lily is keeping you busy as usual...?"

"Oh yes," Scarlet laughed softly at that, nodding as she looked into her cup. "But in a nice way. A good way," she assured, searching her eyes. "I can imagine some time for yourself allowed you to catch your breath," she agreed delicately. A push towards how she was dealing with what had happened, but only a light push, enough for her to pull back from if that wasn't the route she wanted to go.

"Yes...somewhat." the captain answered softly. "I'm a Starfleet captain so I am never really off duty, but I was able to relax for a few days and work on recovering." she added, then took another sip of her drink. She wanted to elaborate more, but found it difficult to know where to begin. So many different factors had played into the three weeks since her torturous captivity that she still really hadn't had enough time to figure it all out.

Scarlet remained silent for a few moments, in case she was going to carry on. When it became apparent she'd gotten stuck, Scarlet leant back a little, crossing her legs as she sipped her drink, just enjoying the quiet for a moment, showing it was a comfortable silence and not an awkward one. "Do you feel like you're on the road to recovery then?" she finally asked, holding her eyes. Some people could take a long time to even accept what had happened, and they couldn't even start down the road of recovery until they'd done that. And pushing it away wasn't the same as accepting it. There was no right or wrong to these things, there never was, but it was always interesting to hear whether a patient felt as if they were actually recovering and healing, or starting to learn to live with it as a truth.

After a long silence, Lirha continued to stare at her mug of hot chocolate. "To be honest...I think I am getting worse." she finally admitted with a hint of frustration in her voice. "The days following my captivity were very busy and full of duties, and I really didn't have time to preoccupy myself with the after-effects of the experience. However...shore leave gave me plenty of time to think and ponder, and I have been finding it difficult to stay focused. I think I have also been acting strangely at times...more often than not. Perhaps it has something to do with the lack of pheromone suppressants."

"The mix of pheromones isn't going to help," Scarlet agreed with a frown, resting her arm on the back of the sofa and her head on her hand as she watched her with thoughtful features. "When you say 'acting strangely'...?"

"I can't exactly describe it, but I have been feeling more emotional lately...thinking and acting with heart instead of my head. Sometimes not making the most appropriate decisions." the Orion elaborated for Scarlet as best she could. "I have also found myself developing a bit of a temper recently." she added with an apologetic smile.

"Would it help to know it's only natural?" Scarlet offered gently, shaking her head lightly. "You have all of these emotions and feelings coiling inside of you. And anger. From what happened to you. And when it coils tightly with no outlet, it will slip out whenever it can. Like dripping water through a seal, or steam that forces itself up through a lid. And then, you feel a greater need than ever to seek comfort," she shook her head to her, leaning closer. "It is entirely natural. I know that doesn't make it any easy to deal with though," she chuckled softly, watching her for a long moment. "What sort of inappropriate decisions have you been making? I've heard no complaint about the runnings of the ship. And trust me, a counsellor always knows."

"Well..." Lirha began as her cheeks flushed a deep emerald color out of embarrassment, "I have been taking care of my duties, but when I am off-duty, I...well," she paused to take a deep breath. It still felt just as awkward to talk to Scarlet about her sex life as she had with Delainey, but there was something about the woman in front of her that made her feel a bit more at ease. Perhaps it was because she wasn't the chief counselor, but instead a regular counselor. "I had several relationships recently...romantic ones. Well, mostly sexual...and unfortunately most of them have been with fellow members of the crew." she revealed.

"Ah, I see," Scarlet nodded as she watched with a smile of understanding. "And that's not something you would usually have done before? At least, not mix with the crew in that manner? Well, there's nothing much wrong with a healthy sexual appetite. It can be a great stress buster if nothing else," she chuckled, shaking her head gently to put her at ease and assure her she wasn't a prude or disapproving. "But it's the reason why you're doing it that can make it either healthy or unhealthy. And, of course, whether or not you're putting yourself at risk. After what you went through, it's a natural instinct to seek out comfort. Tactile and sensual people very often find comfort in taking partners to bed. A few hours of physical pleasure to ease any pain, a distraction, an emotional connection however short lived it might be, someone physically being in bed so you're not alone with thoughts and fears," she said the last softly. That had been the toughest thing herself. Waking up in the dark alone, it had only made her feel more vulnerable and increased the fear of something bad being able to happen again.

Hearing the counselor rationalize Lirha's behavior for her was quite comforting, to say the least. There had been several times recently when the captain had thought back to her romantic activities, and had wondered what the hell she was doing. And of course, having her XO inform her of his own disapproval was very disconcerting. "I have always been somewhat of a romantic." Lirha admitted after a long silence, then took another sip of hot chocolate from her mug. "But recently I have been feeling...over-sexed. I had multiple partners during shore leave and I think it has been drawing attention. I've been hearing rumors amongst the crew, and my XO has been concerned about me. He...had a talk with me in private recently, and recommended that I limit my nocturnal activities. I think he feels that I am setting a bad example for the crew...which I probably am." she explained with a long sigh of frustration.

"You are the Captain, but you're also a person in your own right," Scarlet shook her head with a slight frown, setting her cup aside so she could concentrate on her, leaning forward gently as she touched her knee. "If you want to pursue relationships, emotional or sexual, with other people, well, that's your business and there's nothing wrong with it. You're a grown woman and can indulge in what you please, just as the rest of us can. However, the fact that this seems to be happening more than it used to, and with people you wouldn't usually have approached before, so soon after your difficult experiences from the last mission, that is where the concern lies. If you stop and think about it, to your more recent encounters, what has been the driving reason you have pursued someone? Is it purely desire? Or are there other things that cross your mind? I know it can be difficult to think back so specifically to a certain point, but just take a few moments to try, there's no rush."

The reason that she had pursued someone? she thought to herself. It was a good question; One which she was not really sure of. "Desire is an appropriate way to put it." she decided with a nod. "However most recently, I developed strong feelings for my partner...but soon discovered that she did not share those same feelings for me." she added in a voice barely above a whisper as she thought back to the night Maenad had visited her quarters and told her she did not share Lirha's mutual feelings.

Scarlet frowned, swallowing hard as she shook her head. "I'm sorry, Lirha," she said softly. It was a miserable thing to deal with at any time, let alone with everything else going on inside of her. "Had you shared what happened to you with her?" she asked, wondering how close they had been emotionally. And sharing something like that with someone, it was a big step. "Had you confided the trauma to her?"

"No...I did not." she confided in the counselor while she stared into her mug. "I mentioned it briefly when we first met. It was difficult not to talk about it because of the obvious bandages and sling I was wearing when we first arrived at Vega, but...I did not give her details." she added. "Do you think I should have?" she proceeded to ask, beginning to doubt herself. Lirha had wanted to tell her lover about her captivity, but for some reason that she couldn't figure out, the right time and words had never manifested.

"There's no right or wrong in these sorts of things," Scarlet frowned, shaking her head. "Trust me, sometimes I wish there were. What I can say, if I were in that position? I'm not sure I would have confided it easily either," she shook her head again, watching her with honesty, a knowing look. "Things like that can only be said when you're ready. When you trust enough. It might not have been safe enough for you yet. I'd imagine it would have made you feel vulnerable though. Not just having to deal with the pain of losing a lover, but also being alone again. You had someone there. When you woke in the morning. Or in the middle of the night, waking from a nightmare, whether she realised or not. Having someone physical close makes us feel safer. For her to leave, it's not just the pain of losing a lover, but also the feeling of vulnerability when you find yourself alone in those difficult times again."

Nodding slowly in agreement, Lirha looked back up at Scarlet. "Yes, I suppose I have been feeling vulnerable recently. But I also do not want anyone to treat me differently because of my experience. I appreciate the sympathy that others have shown me, but I am afraid that they might...pity me. Or look at me as a fragile, emotionally unstable woman...instead of a strong Starfleet captain." she said. Appearances were everything for Lirha, especially as the ship's commanding officer, and she did not want to project any of her own weaknesses to the crew for fear of possibly losing their respect.

"Oh I get that," Scarlet nodded quickly, frowning as she leant forward to her. "I think most people would be frustrated by that. And after all is said and done, if people act differently around you, all it serves to do is constantly remind you of it. But the more you work with confidence, and demonstrate that you're as tough a cookie as ever, the more they'll start to relax again. Most people are probably just genuinely concerned for you, and maybe they don't know how to help. And you are still a tough cookie you know. It might not always feel it inside, but you just remind yourself that if you weren't, you wouldn't have gone through all you did, survived, and kept going from day to day, work and all. Only a strong person could have done that."

Lirha smiled warmly at the counselor, appreciative of her support and compliments. "Thank you, Scarlet...that means a lot." she replied, holding her gaze for a short moment. "I just don't want to disappoint anyone, least of all the crew. They deserve to have a competent commanding officer." she added, then leaned back and took another sip of hot chocolate as she pondered life for a short moment. "I also have another question that is somewhat related."

"It might surprise you, but I think it would take an awful lot for you to disappoint most of the crew. So long as you know you've always done the best you can, then we'll know that too," Scarlet assured, but could understand the feeling well enough. Everyone was scared of disappointing someone in something at sometime. It was mixing with the woman's insecurities around what happened. "And please, ask anything. If I can answer, I will. If I can't, I'll still give it a bash anyways."

Thinking of the best way to ask the question, the captain finally decided on a direct approach. "As I mentioned earlier, one of my relationships recently just ended..." she began, fiddling with her mug, "Apparently, it was because my partner felt she was influenced by my pheromones, and the feelings she had developed for me were not her true feelings." she explained with a sigh. "I suppose what I am trying to ask is, was I wrong to put her in that situation? I am usually very conscious of my natural biology especially around Humans, and I tried to give her a pheromone blocker when we first met to avoid any potential problems, but...she refused the pill..."

Scarlet remained silent for a few moments, clearly giving it a lot of thought, not wanting to just react with an answer that might not be as useful as it could be. "No. No, I don't think it's wrong. I don't even think it could be wrong. If you offered a chance to take a pill and she chose not to, then it was a clear choice," she said softly, shaking her head as she met her eyes with an honest smile. "But beside that; your pheromones are still a part of you. They're a natural allure that is a part of you, as much as the intoxicating scent of one woman might be, or as much as the beautiful red hair of another woman might be, or the way eternal, soulful blue eyes on a particular man might be. Different people have unique things about them that are appealing to others, and they're a natural part of them. Your pheromones, to me, seem to be just the same. A part of you."

Lirha took a deep breath and happily sighed to herself. Scarlet's words were more than reassuring; They were exactly what she needed to hear, for the sake of her own sanity. She had always considered her body's pheromones to be nothing more than the result of biological evolution, the same as a Klingon's ill temper or craving for gagh, but Maenad had made her seem so...different. Different in a bad way. "I agree." the captain finally answered after a short moment of silence, smiling affectionately at the counselor. "But unfortunately, my partner did not seem to share the same mindset."

Scarlet nodded with understanding, frowning lightly. "I know we are advanced and living so completely intertwined with other species. Still, it can be difficult to understand something that's different to our own culture. A lot of the time, if people don't like something, it's often because they don't understand it, or don't know much about it, or maybe even they're just not used to it. Change, something different, can feel threatening to some people, or make them uncomfortable. It doesn't mean there's no hope. People can learn about these things, get used to them, it often makes people feel more in control again. It also doesn't mean that it's ~you~ that makes them uncomfortable. Just an aspect of physiology. It's not you personally."

Pondering in silence for a long moment, Lirha finally spoke up again. "Do you have any suggestions?" she asked, "Something that I can do to help repair the relationship with my former partner? I still have many feelings for her, and I would hate for things to simply end the way that they did..."

"Only to encourage you to talk to her about it," Scarlet admitted softly, shaking her head gently. "About what's made her uncomfortable. Perhaps she would even allow you to try and explain more to her, so she can be more familiar with it, so it's not so alien, for lack of a better word, to her. Show her that it is just a part of you, like your emerald skin or ebony, soft hair, and not an outside influence."

"That...sounds like a good idea." Lirha decided. It was probably in her best interests to approach Maenad soon at some point, but she had been somewhat avoiding the issue, for lack of a better word. Now, after speaking to Scarlet, Lirha felt reassured and a bit more confident. "Thank you for the advice. I will consider it and then have a talk with her." she added with a small smile.

Scarlet nodded, watching her with a small smile. "Besides, not meaning to sound harsh or anything, but it seems like you're convinced you've lost her. If that's the case, then talking to her, well, you don't have much to lose, but everything to gain."

"A valid point." the captain said in agreement, then slowly rose from the couch and stretched her legs. The counseling session had been surprisingly productive, and Lirha was grateful that she had made the decision to talk about her troubles rather than bottle them up inside, which was an unfortunate habit she had maintained since the murder of her father when she was a child.

"Oh, before I forget..." she suddenly remembered, "My sister is now on board the ship...maybe you've seen her around? Well, she is only sixteen and I am afraid that she might get bored at times since there are not many crew members on board who are near her age. Perhaps if you ever need a babysitter for Lily to give you the night off, I can make some arrangements with her? Nesh is a nice enough girl and I don't think she would mind." she proposed with a tilt of her head.

Scarlet's smile brightened at that as she sat back, nodding warmly. "Yes, yes I've seen her around the ship. There is a lot of you in her," she chuckled fondly. "I would never turn a babysitter down, believe me," she added with a wink. "I think I would be a great idea. I mean, Lily's young, probably not a 16 year old's first choice of company," she shook her head with a chuckle, her eyes sparkling. "But it would be a job to do. And I'm sure I can find some kind of payment for it that she would agree to."

"Excellent. I will speak to her tonight and hopefully get her approval. Hopefully an hour of two of holodeck time will be enough to satisfy her." the captain replied with a sideways smirk. "Well, thank you for your time, counselor. I must return to the bridge but I will let you know if there are any further developments in my personal life...which I am sure there will be." she added with a light laugh, then gave a gentle wave as she headed out of the counselor's office.

Scarlet waved back as she left, watching her with gentle eyes before sighing. She felt for her. She really did. It could be a long and difficult road to recovery for someone who had been through the ordeal Lirha had faced. It didn't always help though, pushing that fact bluntly into someone's path. Sometimes, it was just about climbing over one obstacle at a time, so you could take the next step.

[OFF]

--

CAPT Lirha Saalm
Commanding Officer
USS Galileo

Lieutenant JG Scarlet Blake
Counsellor
USS Galileo

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