Baby Steps

Posted on 31 Mar 2013 @ 11:27pm by Lieutenant Lilou Zaren & Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle

1,579 words; about a 8 minute read

Mission: Episode 03 - Frontier
Location: USS Galileo: Deck 3, Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD04: 0930 hrs

[ON]

"It was such a relief, you know?" Lilou was saying quietly, winding her hands in her lap. "I mean, for almost four hours, I felt... free. I still remembered everything; I didn't... forget what happened, but it felt... far away. Like it was covered in this metallic webbing. Trapped where it couldn't hurt me. And I was at peace." She shook her head. Even now that the tension had returned, the nightmares still graphic and swimming in her brain, she still felt wonder at the memory of that wash of... what had he called it? Hayal estull? "I'd started to think I wasn't even capable of feeling that anymore."

Delainey offered a small smile. "That must have felt wonderful."

Lilou nodded. "But as soon as it wore off, I was back to - well - me again." She looked at her hands. "And there's no... I don't know how to get back to that. He said he wouldn't just... wash it out of me again. That that had been a reaction, and it wasn't good for me. Because it wasn't real. Which - he's right. It wasn't real. And I want to know how to just... be there all the time. I just... can't."

"You can't do it alone or overnight," Delainey replied gently, "but you can do it, and you are."

She ducked her head with a small shake. "I'm not. I try, but I'm not. I was with Lamar... we've been... seeing each other... but he's. Well, it's not his fault, I know, but he was... he makes me think of them. Not because of anything he does. Just... things. And most of the time, when I'm with him, I can focus on just... him. Just the parts of him that are kind and strong and good. But then. He'll... shift in his chair, or turn his head a certain way, and I'll think of them and I'll- have to swallow this panic. It's not fair to him that I'm afraid. He hasn't done anything to deserve it."

"Neither have you," Carlisle replied. "I know you're frustrated by your reactions to things, and that's fair, but try not to blame yourself for those reactions. Remember they're not under your control any more than a reflex. Have you shared with him how you're feeling?"

"Have you seen me?" Lilou asked with a hollow laugh. "Isn't it obvious that I'm... not right? Damaged. Thoroughly damaged. I don't see how he couldn't know."

It broke Delainey's heart to hear Lilou speak that way of herself even though she understood where it was coming from and why. "What's obvious to me is that you care for him, and you're working to feel better about your life. A thoroughly damaged person who was interested in staying that way wouldn't bother to do that much."

"Well, of course I don't want to stay this way. Who would? I just... can't seem to not be... me. Or... can't seem to get back to being me. It's been so long-" she bit her lip. "I thought I'd forgotten, you know? And then last night, it was like a fog lifted. And I was just... who I was. For a little while. And... before... after Will died and everything went to shit on the last mission, I just kind of... I freaked on him. On Lamar, I mean. I think he knows. I don't remember what I said or... I just remember he was in my bed when I woke up." She tugged on her braid. "I haven't wanted to ask him."

"Why not?" The answer may have been obvious, but she wanted to hear it from Lilou.

"Because- I don't know. Because he hasn't brought it up? So maybe I didn't actually say anything at all and all he thinks is... thoughts, you know? Hypotheses. And if that's all, then... then no one really knows. No one who can talk about it. I don't have to talk about it. If I ask him... what I said, what happened... that brings it all up again. I have to explain things. And I don't... want to. I don't want to tell him that I actually pause every time I see him, just to remind myself that I shouldn't seize up and back away slowly. What kind of a thing is that to tell someone? And it's not like I can just tell him that and be done with it, because he's all... righteous or whatever. He'd want me to do something about it, but what in the name of the spirits am I supposed to do more than what I already am?" She was getting choked up and she hated it, but she couldn't seem to stop it. Sniffling, she rubbed her hands over her face. "It's not even that. It's not that. I don't... I mean that's part of it, maybe, but-" She looked up nervously. "I have this feeling that he won't believe me. Or that- he's part of it still? He's not mean-spirited, I don't think - it's not that, but he's still one of them in his heart. Band of brothers and all that, and even if he did believe me - I have this feeling, like I've had this conversation with him- maybe I did? Or maybe it was a dream? But I have this feeling that he made excuses - like maybe they weren't really marines. Just people in uniforms. And I'm just- What if he tells them and they- what if they keep their words and- I'm not- I'm not safe."

Delainey listened to the torrent of words coming from Lilou and picked up on her mounting distress. First things first. "I'm not going to trivialize your worry, but I think it might help you, right now, to take a breath and think through some of what you've said." Carlisle gave her a few moments simply to breathe and then said, "I've heard you say you want to heal from what you've been through, but I also just heard you say you're motivated to act as if it didn't happen by not bringing it up. I understand what's leading you to feel that way, on a heart level, but that can be overcome as long as your head is convinced that not talking about it will make things worse. Is there a part of you that believes you can completely heal without telling the people you care about what happened?"

She did, breathing in deep and gripping the edge of the couch as she exhaled. "My caring about people doesn't help anything," Lilou sighed, abating. "It didn't help me when any of it happened. It won't help me now." She bowed her head, "To be honest, there's parts of me that believe I can't completely heal at all. I want to. I hope to. I just don't know it's possible."

"Doubt in the result is completely understandable. I'm just wondering if you're also having serious doubts about how we get there? Talking about what happened to you, especially with people you care about is, in my view, essential to getting better. If, however, you're still thinking you can get better while those closest to you are kept in the dark, I'm wondering if that's going to do more harm than good."

Lilou shook her head roughly, "I can't. You don't understand. If I say something- they'll think I'm weak. They'll see that- they'll see I couldn't stop it from happening. They'll see I couldn't do anything about it. Captain Saalm gave a non-commissioned officer a commission; made me a department head as an ensign - none of them respect me. You see? I've got height and build and my origins as a non-com working against me in their eyes. I've got my own awful ticks and fears working against me. You want me to wander around with a banner telling them I let myself get-" she shook her head again, winding her hands together. "I might as well turn in my resignation. They'd take my commission away. Take the department. Drop me off the ship. That's even if they didn't force me to make some kind of report - then Starfleet would dishonorably discharge me. And don't tell me they wouldn't. I was told. Warned. No one believed me the first time. Why should anyone now?"

Delainey took a silent breath, disoriented emotionally by Lilou's leaps in logic. She was, to use a clinical term, catastrophizing. "I believe you. I believe you," Delainey repeated. "I'm not suggesting you carry a banner or tell a million people. What I do know is that if you keep this inside, from even the one person you really care about, you'll be denying yourself the opportunity to be really loved and supported by even that one person. I'm so proud of you for seeking help, Lilou, and no matter what, I'm here for you."

Lilou rubbed her cheek and found it wet. With an inelegant snuffle, she rubbed her sleeve over her face. "Leaking," she muttered and was quiet for a few long minutes. "Thank you;" the words were barely discernible.

"You're welcome." Delainey sat silently and waited for Lilou to fill in her thoughts.

[OFF]

ENS Lilou Peers
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Galileo

Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle, M.D., Ph.D.
Assistant Chief Counselor/Medical Officer
USS Galileo

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