Imago, Part IV: Rage, Rage

Posted on 19 Jan 2013 @ 1:48am by Lieutenant Lilou Zaren & Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle

2,308 words; about a 12 minute read

Mission: Episode 03 - Frontier
Location: USS Galileo: Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD -02: 0700 hrs

[ON]

Lilou hadn't asked for an appointment; she was running on steam and willpower. Pausing to request a moment of someone's time would give her cowardly nature just the excuse it needed to back away and hide from her new resolve. The task was set and the steps to its accomplishment were clear. Just as surely as a small leak could tear apart an otherwise solid ship, so too could her own weaknesses be her undoing. A solution had to be found. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be.

Rooting her boots to the floor outside the counselor's office, she pressed the door chime and her luck.

"Come in!" Delainey was at her desk reading her notes in preparation for the day. Her first appointment wasn't for an hour, but unexpected visitors weren't all that unusual for her line of work either.

The effort of keeping herself there made her first step forward a stumble, but Lilou balanced herself as the door opened and she stepped inside. Being here of her own volition... it should have made it easier, but it wasn't. It was harder, willing herself to risk her pride and position, rather than just looking for a means for a swift exit. She looked around the room, gaze hopping from table to chair to couch to desk as she tried to think of something to say. 'Good morning' seemed asinine. 'I'm back' was reminiscent of 20th century Terran horror films. 'I need help', though true, sounded desperate. Winding her hands behind her back, she cleared her throat, "Are you busy?"

Having observed such reluctance in many people before Lilou, Delainey took the other's words in stride. Setting her reading down, she said, "I'm never too busy to talk to a member of the crew. How may I help?"

Lilou nodded absently, then forced herself to at least look in the general vicinity of the doctor's face. "I think... That is to say... I need to... I've got issues," she finally spat out. "And I don't think I can fix them by myself. My attempts at self-correction have been less than useful. You've got a light out," she added, pointing to the right corner of the ceiling. "Should get Ops to see to it."

The abrupt change in the conversation was so sudden, Delainey had to replay the words to ensure she'd heard correctly. Deciding to role with it, she offered, "Thanks. You've helped me and perhaps now I can help you. Is there a particular issue that's weighing most heavily?"

Lilou took a breath, flexed her hands behind her back, and threw herself into the pond. "I find it hard to trust most people. I find it very, very hard actually. Mostly because I've been pretty sure for a while now that I'm just not really that important in the scheme of things, which is fine with me, by the way, but I've been placed in a position of leadership now and the Chief and the Captain are putting a lot of faith in me, and I know that. I do. So I need to know how to have faith in them back. I'm trying to. I am. I'm just not sure that when push comes to shove, I won't be shoved out of an airlock, is all. Which is fine for me to think, I guess, except it makes it hard for me to trust people and I need to be able to do that. In order to lead. Otherwise no one will trust me. Isn't that how it works? Karmic balances and all that? Also, I have flashbacks that make me want to cower in a corner and nightmares that seem real, although I'm getting used to those, I think. I think." She wrinkled her nose, "I babble. I do. I know that. It's just... I've done this twice already. This - getting to know the Counselor thing. With Drusilla, and then with Dr. White, and that's fine and they were both... very... well-meaning. But I don't want to go through my whole life and my whole history again, I just. Want you to fix me. Okay?" She pointed to the chair in front of Delainey's desk. "Can I sit down please, sir?"

"Of course," Delainey replied warmly. "Sorry," she added a moment later, apologizing for her lack of invitation earlier. "I am confident I can help you work through all you've identified," Carlisle began, "and I will review the notes so you don't have to repeat yourself too much. I will probably need to ask some additional questions if we're to get to the bottom of this. Is that acceptable to you?"

Lilou sank into the chair and nodded. "Whatever you need."

"I should also mention addressing these issues will take some time. As much as I wish they could be resolved with a hypospray like some medical problems, these sorts of problems take a bit longer."

"I've noticed," Lilou agreed.

"Since they have the potential to affect your sleep and overall ability to manage stress, why don't we tackle the nightmares and flashbacks first? When did the start and how often do you have them?"

Here it was again. But she wasn't here to convince the counselor she was already fine. She was here for help. And Drusilla had said that it was private, just between her and the counselor. "If this all stays in here...?" she waited for a sign from Carlisle.

"As long as you don't pose a threat to yourself or others, yes, everything you say here stays here."

"I was attacked, on my last ship." Lilou looked down at her hands, winding them together. "I won't name names; it won't help. And anyway, it was swept under the rug by command almost instantly. But they... did some damage. It took a while to recover physically, and that was hard enough. Getting my hands back. Then getting them to not shake all the time. That was an effort. The broke my arm, my nose, my rib- anyway. I've been..." her gaze slanted to the side as she thought about it. "The dreams are about that. They used to be. All of them about the attack. About how it started, but mostly just... flashes of it. Images out of order. And I always get this sour taste in my mouth when I think about it... Then, after this last mission, it all seems to be jumbled in that part of my brain. The two attacks overlapped. Only, the dreams are a lot more real now. Almost... easier to deal with in a way, because they feel like something that's happening now, instead of just being trapped in the moment that was. Does that make any sense?"

Delainey's maternal feelings immediately came to the fore as Peers told her story. Though this wasn't the first time she had worked with someone who had been physically and sexually assaulted, Delainey's concern and desire to help the survivor cope was as strong as it ever was. "It makes a lot of sense," Delainey affirmed. "Psychologically, your mind is still trying to process both traumas, and it sounds like the second attack triggered memories and feelings of the first attack, which is why it's all jumbled right now. I'm so sorry for what you went through. I can imagine the attack was horrible enough, but then to have it swept under the rug...it must have felt like your suffering didn't count."

"It didn't feel that way, counselor. It just didn't count. That was explained to me quite clearly by my commanding officer. I was an engineer and non-commissioned. They were- well. They outranked me. And were considered more necessary to mission success than I was. Maybe they were," she added with a small shrug. "I transferred out as soon as I was able. They're still out there, doing what they do."

"It matters," Delainey asserted gently. "You matter," Carlisle added, remembering Lilou's earlier words about her place on Galileo. Suddenly, in light of what she had shared, Delainey viewed Peers' work concerns in a new light. The doctor in her couldn't resist asking, "I know you said your injuries required extensive treatment. Are you comfortable with the level of care you received? Were you offered any sort of counseling or emotional support?"

"I'm in good health, if that's what you're asking. I passed my physical when I came aboard." She tugged on her ear, "Is... I was counseled on how to answer questions relating to how I'd gotten my injuries. And informed that I should keep my emotions in check or face a court-martial for insubordination. I want to build ships," she said with a shrug. "I'll never have a chance if I'm dishonorably discharged. I don't have anywhere to go outside Starfleet. The Fleet is my home. What was I supposed to do?"

"Please understand I'm not blaming you for anything you did or said then or since then about this," Delainey replied gently. I'm asking these questions now because I care about you and I want to make sure you have all the support you need. I'm not upset with you at all, but I am upset with the way you were treated, especially after you were assaulted. For medical professionals to treat your extensive injuries for that long, without, if I'm understanding correctly, offering so much as a kind word...in fact for all involved to be more concerned about a cover story, that's reprehensible. To endure all that and still have the guts to tell what really happened, that speaks to tremendous strength. Certainly, it speaks to how much you do matter."

"It's not particularly strong at all, I don't think. I survived, is all. I survived and I did as I was told. I didn't... I didn't say what happened. In here, where I believe the truth will stay, I can speak about it. Barely. But... the idea of speaking of it publicly frightens me. And yet, I'm also frightened that- what if my silence means someone else will get hurt worse than I did?" She pressed her lips together and inhaled thinly through her nose. When she was done, she felt a little less like crying and that was good. "I want to stop being frightened. I want to move past this."

Delainey considered Lilou's words carefully before offering, "I won't lie to you, it's highly likely the people who assaulted you have tried or suceeded with others. People who commit these types of violent crimes don't typically stop on their own, but if you hear nothing else, please hear me when I say that this doesn't mean their subsequent behavior is your responsibility. From what you've described, a doctor would have to be stupid or willfully ignorant to not know what happened to you, even if you didn't come forward. As you said, they knew, but were more concerned about covering it up. Your assailants and the people who covered for them are to blame for what happened after you left, not you. As for getting past this, I have tools that can help you do just that. You don't have to speak publicly unless and until you're ready. My number one priority is and always will be your emotional well-being."

Lilou nodded. It was comforting to hear the counselor say that their subsequent actions weren't her responsibility, even if she wasn't entirely sure she believed it. "Okay. What do I do?"

"Well, eventually it's going to be critical for you to tell your story in as much detail as you possibly can, including all the thoughts and feelings you remember. The reason it's important is because right now, the harder you work to avoid talking about it, the more likely it is you'll be reminded of it when you don't want to be. That's why you're experiencing the nightmares and flashbacks so often right now. Your mind is trying to make sense of all of it, even as you're working hard to avoid thinking about it. Over time, you're going to learn how to talk about it, a bit at a time, and eventually, talking about it won't elicit the same intense reaction it does now. However, before you ever tell your story, I'm going to give you tools to help you recognize when your anxiety is escalating and to help you calm yourself. That way, when it comes time to relate what happened, you know how to deal with your emotions without running away from them. Does all that make sense?"

Lilou nodded again. She didn't want to tell her story, not in any more detail than she had already. She didn't want to think through everything she'd thought and felt, because that would be reliving it and she already did that when she didn't have a choice about it. But Carlisle said it would help, and having no experience or information to negate her expertise, all Lilou could do was hope that she was right.

"It's all about helping you get a sense of control back," Delainey added. "Right now, this experience is controlling you, but by talking about it a bit at a time at your pace, you're addressing it head on. Now, when you first start the process of telling your story, your flashbacks and nightmares might increase for a bit, but that will pass, and I'm going to make sure you have a plan for handling that. Think of it like cleaning out a cut. It hurts at first, but it's necessary to prevent infection and further damage." She paused, then added, "First things first, though...let's start with some deep breathing..."

[OFF]

ENS Lilou Peers
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Galileo

Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle, M.D., Ph.D.
Chief Counselor
USS Galileo

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