The Hole

Posted on 05 Oct 2021 @ 4:01pm by Lieutenant Lake ir-Llantrisant & Commander Marisa Wyatt

4,180 words; about a 21 minute read

Mission: Episode 17 - Crystal of Life
Location: USS Galileo-A - Counseling Office
Timeline: MD 04, 1758 hrs

[ON]

Now that Marisa was back on the Galileo and had more time to do other things besides science, she made an appointment to see the counselor.

She made sure to be two minutes early when she walked into Lake's office.

Whether Marisa had been two minutes early or twenty minutes late, Counselor Lake ir-Llantrisant had fully lost track of the time. The cluttered state of his office was an accurate representation of the state of his mind. PADDs and holographic panes of data were clustered around his desk -- at a glance, the data consisted of medical diagnostics, personal logs, and LCARS progress indicators of various analyses the Computer was running for Lake. Rippling out from the desk, saucers of tea had been abandoned on half of the flat surfaces in the office, in various states of drunkenness.

Lake's boots had been abandoned beside the desk when Lake had been sitting there, his uniform jacket was hanging on the back of the armchair he'd been sitting on before, and the form of Lake himself was strewn across the chaise lounge. He was holding a pair of widescreen PADDs in his hands, studying what appeared to be two sets of identical data.

At the sound of the double doors hissing aside, Lake squinted at his PADDs for a moment longer and then he lay them down on his chest. Making no effort to sit up, Lake pivoted his head in the direction of the noise. "Ah," Lake said, to recognize that there had been a change in his surroundings, but the full context hadn't come to him yet. "Hullo," Lake said.

"Hullo," Marisa echoed. "This answers one of my questions." She began to gather the dirty dishes and take them to the replicator for recycling. "I came here partly to talk and partly to see how you're doing. Not well, by the looks of things."

Derisively snorting at Marisa's assessment of his well-being, Lake echoed her statement with an incredulous, "Not well?" Thoughtlessly, he tossed the PADDs onto the end table beside him. "You're looking at the medical officer with exclusive access," Lake declared, a whole lot excitedly and a little bit manic, "to the confidential medical records of the USS Sutherland with a two-year range inclusive of their escape from the Madden time loop." Lake swept his legs off the chaise, half-spinning himself into an upright posture. "I would say I'm very well. Very well indeed."

When she'd cleaned up the dishes, she picked up the PADDs and stacked them neatly on his desk, then sat down beside him. "Tell me about the Sutherland," she asked calmly.

"Don't-- you don't have to do that..." Lake had said while Marisa collected all of the cups and saucers to carry them into the replicator. His chest fell. Before he even finished the sentence, his posture and his excitement deflated. Much more quietly, he said, "The ship will clean itself..." sounding a touch petulant and a touch defeated. Intended or not, he inferred a judgment in Marisa's silent helpfulness and it brought a blush of embarrassment to his cheeks. Still, Lake remained where he sat, offering no help to Marisa's efforts.

"The Sutherland became lost in a time loop. For the Federation, the ship and its crew were lost for almost six days," Lake said, finally, to answer Marisa's question. "Despite the physical time looping of their environment, the crew found a way to maintain their consciousness from one loop to the next. Based on the testimony, they experienced almost three years within the loop."

"And...?" she asked. There was clearly more for Lake to be this upset. "Did you know someone on the ship?"

Shaking his head, Lake answered, "No, nothing like that." Scrunching up his face, momentarily, Lake winced at Marisa as if he smelled something foul. He couldn't imagine what had made her guess at such a thing. "Research," Lake said, by way of the simplest answer. "Starfleet Medical is always looking for innovation in mental health management for crews on long-distance voyages. I'm sure I'll be asked to pilot new techniques with our crew along the way. But the crew of the Sutherland, they experienced an entirely horrific form of isolation. I've been granted access to the population's medical records and personal logs to look for patterns. To see what we can learn."

She nodded. "So, they were trapped on the ship for three years?" For some, that would be horrendous. For others, they would band together and get strength from the group. It would be an interesting study.

Nodding gently, Lake said, "I can't speak for their bodies. I don't understand the science. As for their minds, their consciousness... Yes, they experienced almost three years in a kind of captivity." --His eyes focused for a moment, remembering where he was. Lake stood up on bare feet and then he crossed the compartment to snatch up his uniform jacket-- "Each member of the crew responded to that form of isolation in different ways. I'm curious about what factors in their baseline mental health was an indicator for how they responded to confinement. I'm also wondering about what therapeutic techniques used by the Medical staff were the most impactful."

"That kind of information will be invaluable to Starfleet. Is that what brought on the condition of your office?"

In response to Marisa's question, Lake shrugged helplessly through a lopsided smile. "I can get lost in my head. My focus narrows down to a pinprick," he admitted. Lake shrugged again, but this time it was to tug his uniform jacket over his arms and then to close it down the front. He smoothed out the jacket and tugged it down from the bottom hem. "I lose track of anything else..."

She glanced around the office. "So, I see." She turned back to him. "You look haggard, and I'm concerned."

In the time it took him to meander to the side of his desk, Lake murmured, "It takes a lot of effort to maintain being put-together. A lot of effort to get there, and even more to hold on to. And yet, it takes the littlest thing to put a crease in, or ruffle my hair. It hardly seems worth being together in the first place." He shrugged at that conclusion, as if he were amused by the way he assembled the words, but he hadn't decided if he truly believed in them, or was simply amused by them. Lake crouched onto his chair and began to pull his boots on.

"I appreciate your concern," Lake said. He spoke more clearly now. He was speaking to Marisa. His words were considered and he wanted to be heard. "I wish I could say your concern was unnecessary, but..." --He shrugged again-- "I shot one of Alexion's patients. I kissed a patient of mine. Maybe, maybe, he kissed me; probably he kissed me, but I'm sure our lips touched. This wasn't the same patient who looks and smells like my dead husband, though. No, it was a different patient than that one..."

"Lake," Marisa said quietly. "I want to help. Unofficially. Tell me why you kissed a patient when you know it's unethical. At least if you're treating him. How can I help?"

"I was... blindsided," Lake replied, and he shrugged yet again. "I didn't see it coming until it had already happened. I was speaking to him as a department head giving advice to a crew member, or maybe I was giving him advice as a friend, I don't know. We weren't talking about him, exactly, we were talking about the mission. And then he took hold of my face and kissed me. Usually, he spends sessions shouting at me. I didn't see it coming."

Marisa shook her head. "And now what? You can't counsel him if you're dating. Are you going to follow through or tell him to back off?"

"And now...?" Lake said, echoing Marisa's question and letting it hang in the air for a heartbeat or two. The tension of the pregnant pause was less painful than the truth. Lake shrugged and there was defiance in his eyes as he did so. "And now he's dead," Lake said flatly. Now that his uniform was reassembled, he sat back in his chair. Lake's gaze went fuzzy, and he stared off into the middle-distance. "Galileo detonated a warhead in a planet's atmosphere, and the ship took damage, and now he's dead. ...I hardly knew him as anything other than a patient, and now he's dead."

"Plumeri?" She put a hand on his arm. "I'm so sorry. He was a good man."

Lake nodded, looking back at her with dark eyes. "I think so. I think he was a good man?" --He shrugged helplessly-- "I was still getting to know him. Now I'll never get to know him." --Bitterly and briefly, Lake chuckled to himself -- "Truly, Matthew spent most of his time yelling at me. Yelling incomprehensible things at me. ...When he wasn't trying to seduce me."

"I never saw that side of him. But then, with one exception, I only interacted with him on duty," she said.

"I don't know. This all happened in the heat of battle," Lake said, popping another shrug. He didn't sound overly concerned; as if he couldn't decide between competing soups on a menu. "I don't know if I even wanted to date him before he... Truly, he spent most of his time shouting at me," he said. He met Marisa's eyes, but then his gaze drifted again. "I know what you're thinking. Even, even if it's moot now. I did. I did insist he would need to change treatment providers..."

"We both know I would have insisted once you crossed from professional to personal," she said. "But we won't get into that now. I'm more concerned with how you're coping."

Tilting his head to one side, Lake nodded mildly back at Marisa. He shared a private smirk with himself more than her, but he didn't keep his thoughts private for long. "My world is dead, my family is scattered," Lake said wryly, "What's one more death amid a doomed relationship. ...I don't suppose you've been privy to many Romulan courtships. I would assume your relationships have been much more... peaceful?"

"I haven’t been in a Romulan or Klingon relationship, but I've dated some who have their own special problems. I'm very happy with my current choice."

"Your current choice?" Lake said, echoing Marisa's own words. He visibly perked up. He sat up straighter in his desk chair and he locked eyes with Marisa in a way that felt like he hadn't been paying attention to her this whole time. He locked eyes with her as if she had just walked in the room. "Who is your current choice," he asked, "and have you been chosen back in return?"

She grinned. "I'm surprised you haven't heard. Luke Wyatt and I are in a relationship." While it had been a number of years since her last relationship, Luke was different. "He's pretty special."

"Tell me more about him, about you together," Lake requested, sounding plenty wistful about the experience of a new relationship. "I can't say I know him particularly well yet," he admitted.

"We met when I joined the crew of the Dujah'Q, but he was with someone else then." She wondered if they would have gotten together if Miraj hadn't been involved. Maybe. Or maybe they both had a journey to make before they could be together. "I was still going through a lot with the destruction of the Cartagena." A smile spread across her face. "But when we both came to the Galileo-A, things seemed to click. We started spending time together, and now we're sharing quarters." Her attention turned back to Lake. "You know, I thought I was in love before, but it was nothing compared to how I feel about Luke." She shook her head. "He's pretty incredible."

Marisa's words brought a smile to Lake's lips, and he narrowed his eyes, drawing his mind's eye back to his first meeting of Luke at the Galileo launch party. "He looks it. I hope to get to know him better," Lake said wistfully, and that was all he could say, as most of his interactions with Luke Wyatt had been professional since then. Focusing his gaze on Marisa again, he added, "I'm really pleased to see you so happy," given what a far cry it was from her manner when he'd met her at those group therapy sessions on Earth. "Has it been easy," Lake asked, "starting to live with him?"

"Yes and no. There's always going to be a period of adjustment. We're both used to being alone, and we each carry some baggage." She wasn't going to get into the problems they were working through because all couples went through growing pains. "But it's so good to know that when he comes home, I can be there. Even if all we get to do is sleep next to each other." She grinned. "I haven't been this happy in a long time."

"Do you think..." Lake had started to ask, but he halted. His train of thought faltered. His question was a seemingly simple one; it was hardly a handful of words long. All the same, his question was a loaded one. It came from a place of deep curiosity, and reflection, and it was clearly a question he was asking himself as much as he was asking Marisa. "Do you think you need another person to feel complete?" he asked.

"No relationship is easy. But I think having someone to share your burden helps," she admitted bluntly. "If we're depending on someone else to feel complete, or to be happy, then we're not going to find the stability we need, even on our own. But a good, loving, supporting relationship can enhance your life." She cocked her head to one side. "Does that make sense?"

Never able to sit still, Lake slightly rocked side to side in his office chair, turning on the wheel axle of the chair. "If I'm hearing you right," Lake said slowly, because he was processing her words and what they meant to him, let alone what his own feeling meant to him. "And I very well may not be," Lake said, "you don't think you need another person in your life, but they can make a satisfying and enriching accessory. ...Like a saucer section to a stardrive."

"That's one way to put it," she said. "For me, having Luke in my life makes everything better. Partly it's because I have someone to share with, but also because of how good it feels just to be with him."

Lake placed a hand on the side of a tea cup that Marissa had left behind on his desk. Judging by the heat still radiating from the cup, it was still a fresh one. After taking a quick sip from the cup, Lake was compelled to ask, "The sex is that good, huh?"

Marisa laughed. "It's not just that. I get as much joy out of cuddling. It's being with him, not how I'm with him." She flashed him a quick grin. "Although that's pretty good, too."

"Relationships are hard," Lake affirmed, nodding slowly. Even before Marisa had become his friend, she had heard about his sometimes-fractious relationship with his ex-husband. He knew from what he spoke. "Life is hard," he added with a wry smile. "We've got to hold tight to whatever small comforts we find."

"We do. But we need to be careful that the small comforts are going to help us grow and not just give us a fleeting sense of false happiness," she said. "Otherwise, we're left feeling hollow and empty." Even in her own situation, there were no guarantees. She was holding on to the hope that everything would work out in her favor. "There's an old saying that says, nothing worthwhile is ever easy."

"Klingons, Tholians, shuttle crashes and exes," Lake muttered and he started counting them up on his fingers; "Getting lost under pyramids, killer vines, killer bugs, killer robots." --He shrugged-- "Rejection." Wincing at Marisa, Lake supposed, "And that's just this year. Is anything ever easy?"

She laughed at that last comment. "Honey, it's been so long since I had it easy, I don't even remember what it felt like. But I know it's getting easier with practice."

"Oh yeah?" Lake asked. He posed the question smirkingly, almost like a challenge, almost like he couldn't believe her. More than that, there was a fire of intensity behind his eyes that betrayed his desire to share that same feeling. "What's your secret?" he asked.

"Having my counseling license pulled was a good start," she said. "I was told it was for my own good, that I needed to heal, but it was hard to take. And then every application I put in was rejected. I have plenty of academic credit and experience as a scientist. I've even been a department head before, but each time I was rejected. It was Commander Ban that got me an interview with Captain Saalm." She paused. "But to be honest, it was the side trip I took while waiting for the Galileo-A to be ready that helped the most. Finding a way into the pyramid reignited my love of science and exploring. And then there was Luke. He helped heal my heart."

"Now that the... uh, the pyramid is behind you," Lake said and he was only momentarily distracted by his own thoughts as he followed the thread of Marissa's growth. "Where is your curiosity leading you these days?" he asked. "What's filling your research plate?"

"I'm still following the research from the pyramid and the translation of the language," she said. "And I helped a friend with a dig while I was deciding if I wanted to stay in Starfleet or go back to working as a civilian. I have an open invitation to help Jack next time I have a sabbatical. So, I'm staying active in my field. And I have my work on the Galileo." She leaned forward and watched Lake for a moment. "What about you? How are you holding up?"

The amusement on Lake's features at the talk of Marisa's career slowly drained from his face as the focus shifted to him. He stared at Marisa blankly and he rubbed the back of his neck. "...Have you ever," Lake tentatively asked, "considered walking the path of kolinahr?" His dark eyes widened, momentarily, as he said that final word.

"As a child, yes. But once we moved to earth, and I learned what it was like to experience being human, no. I don't want to suppress my emotions. I personally think it takes a lot away from life. Even the painful parts make me better. I love being in love with Luke. I know my mother loves my father, in her way, and she's got a wicked sense of humor when she wants to, but I want the best of both my parents."

Eyes on the down, Lake pressed the pads of his fingertips into the edge of his desktop. He slid his fingers from side to side along the smooth edge. "My mother made the attempt," Lake admitted, and his gaze shifted to the ceiling, as if it held his memory. "Three times, I think. It was a journey she took privately, of course. Secretly. Without the support of Vulcan, of course. It meant a lot to her," he said, "and she never really made it past the first winding way in the path to kolinahr..."

"Not everyone is cut out for that path," Marisa said. "It took my mother some time to accept that it was not my path."

Tilting his head to one side, Lake narrowed his eyes on Marisa for a moment. "How did you decide...?" he started to ask, but he trailed off instead. He widened his eyes and he asked, "How did you know it wasn't the path for you?"

"Because I love to feel. I can't cut myself off from my emotions and live on logic alone. I tried, but my heart was never in it." She smiled. "I do not regret my choice."

Lake attempted a smile in return, but it came out lopsided. "What about when it hurts?" Lake asked, clearly talking more about himself than Marisa. Clearly. "What about when it hurts so much you can't even function?"

She looked at him for a long moment. "You hurt. Sometimes, you crawl into a hole to hide from the world for a while. But eventually, the pain eases and you start to heal. It takes time, and it's not easy, but if you don't keep feeding the pain, it does heal." A smile spread across her face as she thought of Luke. "And then the time comes when you meet someone really amazing, and you realize that it was all worth it because it got you to the place where you finally meet the right person, at the right time, in the right place." She paused, considering her words. "I've been there. I've loved the wrong person. I've been betrayed, and I've had someone I thought I cared about turn into a crazy, jealous Neanderthal. Once the worst of the pain eased, I had to forgive him, and I had to forgive myself. Only then could I let go and move on."

"I feel like..." Lake said, his eyes darting from side to side, "I feel like I'm in that hole... But it's not even the men that dug this hole. It's me; my hands were on the shovel. I recognized them as my own, but I don't know their purpose. I don't know if I can trust my own judgement. It feels like I only know how to hurt everyone around me..."

"Is it because you're afraid of being hurt yourself?" she asked. "You've been hurt so many times, you're afraid to trust, so you're subconsciously sabotaging each relationship?"

Bobbing his head from side to side, Lake said, "Yes, but no, but yes," and then he shrugged helplessly. "My personal relationships are the least of my worries. Courting me is like courting a hurricane. I can... live with that. I can... recover from the consequences," Lake said, haltingly, and with consideration. "What I worry about is if it's bleeding over," Lake said. "I worry my professional judgment is compromised by my neurons being inflamed with emotion. I worry a choice I make with a patient could blow up the ship..."

Marisa leaned forward and put a hand on his arm. "I haven't seen you professionally compromised. I think you need someone to talk to, but I don't see you harming a client."

With his other hand, Lake clutched at the back of Maria's hand. He looked to Marisa --looked right at her-- with an intensity in his dark eyes she may not had seen before. Their friendship, these past few months, had been wobbly. No big blow-ups or fall-outs, but they were often out of sync. One of them would reach out and the other would be aloof, or they switched roles along the way. This time, there was as vulnerable hesitancy in Lake's voice, when he asked, "Given your training, would you consider serving as my therapy supervisor? The farther out we fly, the more limited by access to Starfleet Medical. I could use someone to talk to --another perspective-- on how I'm progressing with my patients..."

"I would be happy to." She smiled. "I think you are an incredible counselor, and I would love to help you any way I can."

"Thank you, Marisa," Lake said, genuinely touched. "I need it. It really means a lot to me."

Marisa reacted to instinct and hugged Lake. "Just let me know when and where. For now, my time is up. Do you want me to help you clean up before I leave?"

Leaning into the hug, Lake held onto Marisa for a little while longer. "No, that's all right. I can manage. And where I can’t, the ship will clean itself," Lake said. He took a step back and he took a deep breath, and he said, "I'll be asking for your help soon enough."

"Just let me know." She smiled. "Besides, what are friends for if not to be there when needed? I believe in you, if it helps." With another smile, she turned and walked out of the office.

[OFF]

--

Lieutenant Marisa Sandoval
Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo-A

Lieutenant Lake ir-Llantrisant
Chief Counselor
USS Galileo-A

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