...is Counseling [part 2]

Posted on 06 Mar 2015 @ 1:41pm by Lieutenant Oren Idris Ph.D. & Lieutenant Prudence Devin Ph.D.
Edited on on 06 Mar 2015 @ 1:42pm

2,258 words; about a 11 minute read

Mission: Episode 08 - NIMBUS
Location: USS Galileo, Deck 3 - Counselling office
Timeline: MD -02, 0700hrs

Previously...

She watched him closely, watching him before nodding, holding his eyes. "It is the...negative of so many humans being on ships. We have short life spans in comparison to...so many species," she said softly, searching his eyes. "And I am sorry for that. But...you have so much to offer people. And be offered too," she said softly, frowning. "I am sorry that I cannot understand what you go through."

Oren gave her a sad smile, instinctively reaching over to rest his hand over hers and give it a small, comforting squeeze. "It's okay," he said gently. "It's not your fault."

And now, the conclusion...

"I'm just tired, and my head hurts," Oren said. Those words felt easier to say than 'My heart is broken,' so he said them, hoping they would at least give him a little relief. "I really love Ellsworth, you know," Oren said after a pause, giving her hand a small pat, reminiscent of one a father might give his daughter. After that, he broke their contact to take his hand back and rest it in his lap.

"I know it sounds silly, since we barely know each other and there's such a huge difference between us, but I do. I think that's exactly why I love him, because there's no higher thought in it. It just feels...natural, to love him. I've never felt that before, at least not like this." As he spoke the words, Oren could feel the emotion welling up against behind his eyes.

He shrugged helplessly. "But I guess that didn't mean much." 'It never has', his mind finished.

She frowned as she considered it, taking a deeper breath. "I'm sorry," she said, meaning it. "I truly am, Oren. You are a good man, I do not think it is a reflection on you," she said, holding his eyes. "You're worth love. And you will have it. From friends, from a partner."

"I wish I could believe that. I used to but experience has taught me otherwise," Oren replied, appreciating her effort.

"Sure," he said, shrugging. "I'll find love like I've done in the past. It never lasts, though. No matter what I do, or say or try, whenever they're forced to weigh me against something or someone else, I always lose. I'm never a priority, doctor."

He shook his head at himself, feeling miserable all over again at the thought. "It probably sounds pathetic, placing so much importance on how others feel about me, but I need people and it's what I am. I need people around me because they keep me focused on the now. Being a part of their lives makes me think of the present. When I don't have anyone, all it takes is a moment of careless thoughts and before I turn around it's been a week since I last paid attention."

Letting out a long suffering sigh, Oren ran his hand through his hair and rubbed his face tiredly. "When someone leaves," he continued. "I think, maybe it wasn't meant to be, so I try to move on and I do. I stop pushing and I let them have what they want. Then it happens again, and again and I'm just tired of always having to try again and start fresh. I'm not even an adult yet and there are centuries left, but I'm already exhausted; I want to just close my eyes and will myself into oblivion."

Prudence frowned as she watched him, reminding herself he was young. Because to her, the mature woman, it sounded more like teenage emotions than anything else. "Oren, no one will love you enough to make your priority unless you love yourself enough to make you that," she said firmly, her eyes gentle as she watched him. "You prioritise others. And you should not always do that. Sometimes, you need to make yourself the priority...and while you need people around you, perhaps you should focus on the friends."

She watched Oren for a long moment, letting him absorb it before touching his arm. "Hobbies. There's a lot of groups here," she said softly, holding his eyes. "Where you can make sure you stay in the now. You're worth so much, Oren, but you can't rely solely on other people to feel it. If you can't be happy on your own, you will not happy with someone either. Not truly, not forever. Do...you understand what I am saying?"

"Yeah, I know what you're saying, every therapist I've ever had has said it to me," Oren pointed out. "It's easier said than done," he said, thinking on her words. "I don't know how to be happy on my own," he admitted. While Oren occasionally enjoyed his solitude, those were usually moments when his mind was occupied with things, not time he took to think. The more time he spent thinking on his own, the more depressed he usually got. "I've always been alone in some way and it's never made me happy. I'm not even good at friendship. I have no idea how to act, I'm always doing something wrong. Making friends on the Galileo is how I've managed to get myself into this mess." Oren thought of Grayson and how he'd sent him the wrong signals. Then there was the moment with Keval in the Arboretum, and his irrational dislike of Kohl, of all people. His relationships were a mess, so far. The only people he got along with with no strings attached were Lyras and Laeon, but he just chalked that up to the fact that they barely saw each other so he hadn't had time to screw them up.

"People tell me I make them feel safe, and I think that's part of being El-Aurian. I like to be around people, listen to what they have to say, and sometimes I feel like I know exactly what they feel just by the slight changes in their voices, the way they breathe...." He trailed off, not knowing how to explain the sensation. He knew he wasn't very good at understanding his empathic abilities.

"They get attached and make demands I don't know how to react to," Oren admitted, watching Prudence. She felt like a good person, someone who didn't focus on her own problems and instead chose a life of helping others.

She smiled gently, watching Oren before leaning closer. "You listen. But do you tell them this?" she asked softly, holding his eyes firmly. "Perhaps you should talk more about how you feel. If someone says something or make demands and you do not know how to react to it...just say. 'I am not sure what to say or think'. It's an honest opening. There is nothing shameful about it either." She smiled gently, pulling back. "Hobbies, Oren. Hobbies you enjoy. And honesty with the friends you have. There is no shame between friends. And you are a good man. Those are rare too."

Oren said nothing, staring at his hands. He didn't want to bring up how he'd told Ellsworth everything, how he'd bared his soul and shared his doubts and fears with him only to have them thrown back in his face. He'd been single for over twenty-five years and the friendships he'd had deteriorated with distance, both emotional and physical. He didn't resent Prudence for her advice, but he didn't believe in it. He'd tried being honest, and not being honest. Neither had been a good, permanent solution for his pain. At best, the good of each had distracted him enough to feel comfortable for a little while before it all came crashing down again and the cycle continued. He didn't tell Prudence that, of course. There were so many things, so many memories and experience floating through his mind, he was starting to feel guilty at how bad a job he was doing explaining it all.

She couldn't very well give him good advice without all of the necessary information and it would take years for him to explain every detail he felt was important and relevant to him. Even then, he doubted she would truly understand.

"My head still hurts," he just said, reaching up to wipe a stray tear from his cheek.

Prudence watched him for a long moment before looking down. "I have some standard pain relief. Any stronger, I'd recommend sickbay," she said, but made no move to get it as she watched him. Patience. She had to maintain that. It was frustrating, knowing there was more yet it was being withheld. Eventually, she would get to it. But it took time, more time than they had today. "Would you prefer to stay busy, or have a few days off until we arrive at our destination?" she suggested. It wasn't much, but it was offered.

Oren opened his mouth to reply, his first instinct to keep working. But he hesitated. Was working a good solution? It hadn't worked so far in his life, so why would it now? He looked down at his lap, considering for a moment the pros and cons of each.

"I'd like some time off but...I'm afraid of having too much time to myself. Does that make sense?" he asked, unsure.

Prudence nodded gently, watching Oren with warmth. She felt for him. She truly did. But she was also aware that there was a lot of work ahead for them, for both of them. "I think...you should take today off. But stay busy. Pop into Thorne's classes. Do not be alone. Take the puppy out," she said as she held his eyes. "And come back tomorrow as well. We do this day by day. Unfortunately, I do suspect it is all hands on deck for the actual war games, but until then, I think you shouldn't bury yourself in work. Does that sound doable?" she asked, wanting him to be honest on how he viewed he would fare for the next 24 hours.

Oren pursed his lips, looking unsure. His mind spiraled for a moment, wondering how he would go about taking care to spend time with people in this state. Would he be able to handle it, actually focusing on a conversation with the back of his mind whispering how the other person probably didn't want him to be there? That they would prefer to be alone? He knew those thoughts weren't rational, but they were there, a constant now more than ever.

"One day?" he said to out loud to himself. He worked the math in his head. One day. Twenty-four standard hours. If he went to Sickbay and got something to help him sleep and slept for eight of those hours, it would be roughly fifteen hours before his next session. Fifteen hours didn't seem that frightening.

"I think I can handle one day," Oren finally said, hoping he sounded more sure than he was. "We're going to take a lot of walks," he added, looking down at Landi.

"Good. I want to see you first thing tomorrow morning," Prudence said before hesitating. She watched his face, giving him a small, genuine smile. "Oren. If it gets too difficult...please, I want you to come and see me. Even if it is after hours. We can talk. I'd rather have you come to me than to feel agitated alone. Is that okay?" she looked down at the dog, smiling. "The pup is welcome too, of course." Because she did worry about him and wanted to help in any way she could.

Wanting to act on his first instinct, Oren opened his mouth to assure her he would, but closed it immediately. Perhaps lying outright might be a little too much, especially considering how much she seemed to want to help him.

"I can't promise that," he admitted, shrinking a little and feeling unsure of how she would react.

"I appreciate your honesty. It's okay, I won't make you promise," she said softly, nodding with respect. She wanted to do this in a way he was comfortable with. Because that was the way it should be. He didn't need to be pushed because he had come here out of his own free will. "Okay?"

Oren nodded. "Thank you," he said, swallowing hard as he felt relief and gratitude wash over him. At least he wouldn't be breaking any promises. "I should probably go," he told Prudence, looking down at Landi and gently nudging her to get off his feet. Once she did, he stood up, feeling only slightly lighter than he felt coming in.

Kneeling down, he hooked the leash back onto Landi's collar. The puppy took the opportunity to jump on him, nuzzling his neck and licking at his chin. Oren made a disgruntled noise, but reached out to lovingly pet her, scratching behind her ears.

"You are more than welcome," Prudence said and led him out, smiling gently as she touched the dog's head for a moment before pulling back. "Take good care of each other," she added softly, unable to stop it. The puppy seemed to have complete adoration and love for Oren.

Oren nodded, lifting up the puppy and planting a small kiss on her neck. "I'll see you tomorrow doctor," he said, rocking the dog in his arms. "Well, hopefully," he added, giving the doctor one last wave.

[OFF]

Lt. Prudence Devin
Chief Counsellor
USS Galileo

&

Oren Idris, Ph.D.
Archaeologist/Anthropologist
USS Galileo

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