The Difference between Martyrdom and Suicide... [part 1]

Posted on 06 Mar 2015 @ 1:41pm by Lieutenant Oren Idris Ph.D. & Lieutenant Prudence Devin Ph.D.
Edited on on 06 Mar 2015 @ 1:42pm

2,951 words; about a 15 minute read

Mission: Episode 08 - NIMBUS
Location: USS Galileo, Deck 3 - Counselling office
Timeline: MD -02, 0700hrs

[ON]

When Oren's alarm went off and the El-Aurian stirred awake, he could barely open his eyes. After crying for what felt like days, he somehow tired himself out around 0400 hours. Now, two hours later, his eyes were red, crusted and swollen from the tears and Oren treasured the few seconds of peace after waking up before the events of the previous night came flooding back. In response, he pulled his comforter closer around himself, curling into the pillow he was hugging. His lack of roommate felt like a blessing and a curse; while he was glad that no one could see just how pathetic he looked crying over someone who clearly didn't care for him, the loneliness of the empty room felt suffocating, making him ache even more. In the dark recesses of his mind, he knew that it was a feeling he would need to get used to, the loneliness, because it seemed destined to follow him through his entire life. People showed up, saw him, then continued on their way, unimpressed.

Thankfully, that trail of thoughts was interrupted as Oren felt something stirring under the sheets with him. A small crying noise alerted him to Landi's presence and Oren felt her nudging his ear before she licked his cheek. It was a disgusting habit Oren would have interrupted and chastised her for on any other occasion, but that morning he just barely noticed it. With another crying noise, almost desperate, the puppy curled up around him in what Oren imagined was an attempt at comfort. Somewhere deep down where Oren still felt positive emotions, he appreciated it, but the feeling of her canine body heat just made him yearn for the same from an actual person. Immediately, he felt foolish for wanting it. Hadn't Ellsworth's actions and those of the people before him made it abundantly clear that it was just wishful thinking to want someone to love him that way? He thought so, but his heart (or what still remained of it after so many years) seemed to be a glutton for punishment.

As Landi grew more insistent with her snuggling, Oren decided he couldn't handle it anymore. His body felt heavy as he lifted it into a sitting position. His eyes hurt as he reached up to rub the sleep from them. As he felt Landi nudge at his shoulder, Oren found it all too reminiscent of Ellsworth's habit of resting his cheek there and he flinched away, scaring the dog, who cried out. Oren's throat closed up with regret and he reached out to pet her. "I'm sorry," he said softly, pulling her closer to him for a moment before standing up. Feeling lethargic, he slowly walked to the bathroom, ignoring his reflection and just slipping out of his clothes to take a long shower in the hopes of making himself feel a little more alive.

After some time, he stepped out, once again bypassing the mirror and making a beeline towards his closet. He maneuvered his way into his clothes slowly and then stood there, hands on his hips, wondering what he should do next. His appetite was gone and the mere thought of food sickened him. Even leaving his quarters and actually seeing other people felt overwhelming and Oren briefly considered staying in bed indefinitely. Who would notice he was gone anyway? The Science department? His job was largely solitary, when he had any work at all, so Oren was sure that if he went missing for days on end, no one would even notice, or care.

That last thought made something stir inside Oren and he recognised it for the destructive feeling that it was. One didn't spend years in therapy without learning when to recognise the beginnings of a downward spiral. With that in mind, he knew there was probably only one place on the entire ship he could go, even if he didn't want to see anyone. He didn't even want to see his own reflection, so actually coming into contact with another person filled him with dread. But sometimes, when your mind hated you, you needed to be firm with it.

Still feeling guilty about his treatment of Landi over the last few days, and wanting someone with him, Oren put her on her leash before leaving their quarters. Luckily, the Counseling office was just one deck up so Oren didn't have to see more than a handful of crewmen before arriving at his destination. He had an hour before his actual appointment with Devin, but sitting in the small waiting room with Landi felt better than sitting in his quarters, alone.

Prudence walked into the office, her hair still down and a mug of coffee in her hand. She tended to do her hair up when she was in the office, a clear divide between her private life and her professional life. She had walked from her quarters to get on duty and despite being early...she stopped, watching Oren and the dog. "Hello...it is a bit early?" she asked, moving to his side. "Come into the office, let's get you settled. Both of you."

Oren pursed his lips, not trusting his words just yet. He nodded, pushing down the feeling that he was somehow intruding on her, trying to listen to the rational part of his mind. Landi looked up at the newcomer, tail wagging as Oren stood up and led them both into the doctor's office.

"I'm sorry," he finally said, unable to hold it in as the doors finally closed behind all three of them. "I haven't had a good night, and I thought if I stayed in my quarters this morning I wouldn't come out all day," Oren admitted, kneeling down in front of Landi for a moment, playing with her leash. "Do you mind if I let her off the leash? She won't cause any trouble."

"Go ahead," she said and moved to sit down, reaching to put her hair up as she considered it. She wasn't much of a dog person. She liked them, but was more a cat person. What she was worried about was Oren. He did not look...well. He looked so troubled.

Oren gave Landi a small smile as he unhooked her leash. Now free, the puppy began to sniff around the office but stuck close to her master, occasionally lifting up her head to look at him, as if checking if he was still in view. Oren watched her for a moment, his eyes half-hooded before looking around the office for the nearest place to sit. Standing up felt more difficult than he remembered, and he made his way slowly over to the nearby seat. It took him a moment to settle until he finally sat resting against the back of the couch, his head leaned back, eyes staring up at the ceiling.

"I'm going to say something that's going to worry you but it shouldn't. I just need to get it off my chest," Oren told her after a few moments of silence went by. He wanted to give her time to put up her hair and get used to his presence because it felt like the polite thing to do, having already barged in on her.

"I thought about suicide last night."

She watched him, her face serious. She gave a weak nod, searching his face for a moment. "And how do you feel about it now?" she asked softly, wanting for him to talk about it...to process it. She was worried though. But she wanted to hear it, to find his motivation so she could judge his mental state.

"I feel the same thing I always feel - guilty. I've tried, years ago and realised the entire scene was a little too dramatic, even for me," Oren revealed. That had been decades ago, a particularly dark time for him. "But somehow I've always found the thoughts themselves a bit...comforting. I always told myself, 'Oren, everything will pass, and if it doesn't, there's always a way out. So just keep going as long as you can, no pressure.'"

"You'd be surprised how ludicrous that sounds when you say it to yourself out loud at three in the morning," he explained, looking over at the worried doctor. "The availability of the option somehow takes away from its appeal. Always has, at least for me."

"So there's no need to worry yourself, doctor. I'm not going to do it. I care way too much about the people around me to do something like that," Oren finally said, his voice soft. That same care was what had prompted those thoughts in the first place.

She nodded gently, watching him for a moment before sitting back. "What happened to bring this on you, Oren?" she asked gently, holding his eyes. She had her suspicions but couldn't reveal them. And just as well. She did not want to personally get involved to that level. Her concern right now was the man before her and how to help him.

Oren sighed, shaking his head. "There's two answers to that question," he began, breaking eye contact to look up at the ceiling again as he felt Landi end her exploration of the office by curling up around his feet.

"The trigger," he said, wanting to let her know that he'd paid attention to the literature she'd sent him over their last few sessions, "is silly. It'll make me sound like some lovesick child. I found out the man I was starting to fall in love with didn't love me at all." Before she could say anything, he held up his hand to stop her. "I know it's your job to say it isn't silly because it's important to me, but let's be serious. I am seventy-five years old, I shouldn't be this broken up about...some kid." It felt painful to refer to Ellsworth like that, but he wasn't in the mood to be particularly honest about those feelings.

"But the other answer, the real one might take more than one session to talk about, doctor," Oren explained, running his hand through his hair. "Finding out how he actually feels, what he did, it brought up some things I tried not to think about for a long time. Things I feel but tried to ignore. Honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin." He looked back at Prudence sadly, hoping she'd find a way.

"I think...you should start with what happened to bring it all forth," she said said softly to Oren, holding his eyes. "The root of the problem we should take time to do, to set up sessions for it. But maybe with everything that is coming up, we should focus on the now and once the training exercise is over, we go into it properly. Does that seem okay?" she asked, with some regret. She would have preferred to have done it properly, but with all hands on deck for the training exercise and everyone split up...neither of them had the time for the next week.

Oren let out a sigh of clear disappointment. He didn't blame Prudence, of course, but the feeling of disappointment just seemed to fuel his already low self-worth. "Fine..." he said anyway, crossing his arms defensively. His tone clearly said it was anything but fine, but he wasn't about to throw a tantrum. It wasn't like anything he did would make any difference anyway. Not in the long run.

"What do you want to know?" he asked, shifting in his seat uncomfortably. His voice had taken on a much more matter of fact, professional tone. As much as he'd like to let go and bare his soul, with the new information about how limited their possibilities were now, he rationed his emotions as carefully as he could. Unfortunately, for now, there were only two extremes he could easily manage - mature and professional, or broken and crying.

She watched him, raising an eyebrow at his reaction before looking down. "Well, I'd rather hear your honest opinion about my suggestion," she said bluntly and met his eyes. "Or else I think we'd both waste each other's time. I want to help, Oren. Truly. And I can only do that if you are feeling alright with what we are doing. We can attempt to make the time up here in transit...we still have two days before we are due to arrive for the...diplomatic functions." And they both knew those parties were pretty much mandatory. "It would mean we'd do longer sessions, today and tomorrow. It will leave you a bit...open, emotionally."

"I don't think my issues can be solved in two days, no matter how much work we put in," Oren said honestly, looking at the door and wondering if there was even a point to starting anything here. "I think there's just something inherently wrong with me that can't be fixed," he added, looking down at Landi, just to keep his eyes somewhere besides the other person in the room.

"So I probably am just wasting your time." Reaching up, Oren rubbed his eyes, mostly to keep any tears at bay. He felt frustrated with himself, and the way he was acting, but he just couldn't find more words to express how he felt.

"Oren...that's nonsense," she said firmly, reaching out and touching his shoulder, her touch just as firm. "You're not wasting my time and there is nothing wrong that can't be fixed. Two days is an unrealistic deadline, but if we can make you feel a little bit better by the end of it, it would be an improvement?" she smiled reassuringly and pulled her hand back. "Oren...what happened to you?" she asked bluntly. Sometimes, that was best.

"I'm seventy-five years old. What hasn't happened to me? And it all just keeps happening, again and again and again. But I shrug it off because that's what you're supposed to do, right? Try again, no matter what people do?" He glanced over at Prudence, as if looking for confirmation before continuing anyway. "So I do that, I try again. But, how long do you just try again, because I'm tired of it." Oren shook his head, knowing he wasn't explaining himself well.

"Everyone always leaves," he said softly, closing his eyes.

Prudence watched him with a frown before shaking her head. "Maybe it is time that...rather than letting them leave, if you truly wish to have them there...you tell them," she said softly, shaking her head. "Rejection is...never easy. And it happens. A lot. To everyone. And the longer you are alive, the more times t happens. It doesn't mean you're not worthy of someone sticking around. It means you have not yet found the one you'd fight to keep," she said before holding her hand up. "And I mean person who is still around. No one can fight nature or death. But..." she lowered her eyes, watching Oren. "That is just my opinion in my experience, not yours."

"You don't understand it," Oren said with a sigh. "I don't blame you, though," he told her, meeting her eyes. "I always fight to keep people, but they don't want to be kept." He stayed silent for a few moments before deciding to speak again.

"I used to have a fiance. I thought what we had was perfect, I was so young. She called off the wedding when he realised what me being El Aurian meant. That she'd grow old, and I wouldn't, so she told me she couldn't handle that. I tried everything in my power to get her to stay, but she wouldn't hear it."

Oren sighed, wondering how he could have been so naive. Then again, what was he now if not naive in the face of Ellsworth's betrayal? "That was the first time something like that happened, but it wasn't the last," he revealed, drawing shapes into the fabric of his uniform with his index finger.

"It's not just lovers either. People change. They grow and pair off, have kids. Their lives change completely and I'm just...I just stay the way I am because I can't follow their pace. It's not healthy for me, but they don't care. All they see is someone who doesn't change, so they move on. I call and they answer, but it's not the same. Eventually, I'm just someone they knew when they were younger." It had always been difficult for Oren to wrap his mind around how other people perceived time. As he'd grown older and slightly more comfortable with his own biology, he'd come to appreciate the fact that he really didn't need to rush anything. It was still hard when you didn't have the luxury of keeping your own pace because everyone around you lived it on a different schedule.

She watched him closely, watching him before nodding, holding his eyes. "It is the...negative of so many humans being on ships. We have short life spans in comparison to...so many species," she said softly, searching his eyes. "And I am sorry for that. But...you have so much to offer people. And be offered too," she said softly, frowning. "I am sorry that I cannot understand what you go through."

Oren gave her a sad smile, instinctively reaching over to rest his hand over hers and give it a small, comforting squeeze. "It's okay," he said gently. "It's not your fault."

[to be continued]

Lt. Prudence Devin
Chief Counsellor
USS Galileo

&

Oren Idris, Ph.D.
Archaeologist/Anthropologist
USS Galileo

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