Transcendent Obsessions

Posted on 28 Feb 2015 @ 8:25pm by Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson & Ensign K'os Beaumont
Edited on on 28 Feb 2015 @ 10:10pm

3,935 words; about a 20 minute read

Mission: Episode 08 - NIMBUS
Location: USS Galileo - Corridor
Timeline: MD -02, 0045 hrs

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Only three steps down the corridor from Oren's quarters Ellsworth found himself shaking. A lot. Almost violently. He couldn't tell if he had too much adrenaline or not enough, but something about his biochemistry was definitely off. He silently prayed in whatever vague religious tradition he subscribed to that no one would bump into him in the corridor. He was crying, ashen, and couldn't get his limbs under control such that it would probably have led to an emergency trip to sickbay if anyone saw him in such a state. If he hadn't felt so drawn to K'os, felt the inexorable pull on his body and his mind, he might have had the sense to take himself there. But at the moment all he could think about was finding some comfort for himself, some strong embrace to take him and hold him up and let him cry until he'd exhausted himself.

Behind him, he could still feel the heartache in Oren's quarters. It was dull and muted from the El Aurian's mental discipline and familiarity with Betazoid telepathy, but it seemed likely that the emotional trauma had frayed the edges of that control and let some raw emotion leak out. He'd never hurt anyone like that before, never had the power to hurt anyone like that, and it frightened him. Was it too late to go back and say he was sorry? Probably. It would probably always be too late...

Trudging down the corridor, he felt the heaviness on his heart turn into self-loathing. Taking into account everything everyone had said to him over the past few days, from Piet to Pru, it started to feel like he was standing outside of himself looking in. They were all right. He was making himself suffer. He'd hurt Oren. He could see with clear objectivity all the mistakes he was making and marveled at the lack of remorse over all of them. How could he be so callous about breaking Oren's heart? He knew how guarded the man could be about his emotions, how reluctant he was to allow someone inside the way he'd done with Ellsworth. So why couldn't he bring himself to say he was sorry? What was it about his relationship with K'os that made it feel so fated?

As that pure, logical portion of his mind took full stock of his actions, whatever pity or sympathy he had for himself soured into self-loathing and self-hatred. It was probably a good thing he left Oren; he didn't deserve a man like that. K'os was the better choice as he was in many ways just as unstable and free-spirited as Ellsworth. They could soar too close to the sun together, propelled by whatever sensual force lay within K'os, and crash back to the earth in a ball of fire. The thought of burning started to appeal to him more the closer he drew to K'os' quarters; its allure was in how self-destructive it promised to be, an outlet for all his pent up frustration - sexual and otherwise - and an absolution and purification through flames. He could find penance in that act, let the plak tow wash over him like a river of fire and burn away the sins of his selfishness and hurtfulness and remorselessness.

Meanwhile, somewhere on the same deck K'os tossed and turned in his sleep. He was dreaming again. The images were terrifying; filled with burning buildings, and explosions. The smell of smoke was strong and it burned his eyes. Something tugged at his mind and the dream evaporated. His eyes flew open and he sat up in bed so fast he lost his balance and tumbled out of bed then thrashed around with his sheets, fearing he was being suffocated by burning rubble. The lingering dream -- memory...thing was already beginning to fade from his mind when he felt the familiar pull from the other night. Not again he thought to himself as he felt the tug on his mind. That insistent need that felt as though it was being yanked out of him. He found himself standing and walking towards the door of his quarters. His undershirt was soaked with sweat, and his skin was growing hotter with each moment.

This time he tried to exert control and fight the urge but even before he tried, he knew it was futile. He concentrated on the source, though he already knew this was Ellsworth's doing. Another strong pull squeezed his chest and he grabbed at his shirt as if it were suddenly restricting him. Before he could compose himself another pull nearly bent him over. Finally giving in, he opened his quarters door by jabbing the panel with his fist as his hands were far too shaky.

Ellsworth was there, just on the other side of the door, looking a little confused as he hadn't yet pushed the door chime. His eyes were red and raw from crying and even his normally perfect looking hair seemed disheveled. When he saw K'os he took only a moment to notice that he seemed out of order, too, and then quickly filed it away elsewhere in his mind; his own needs were more pressing. He threw his arms around K'os' midsection and clung tightly to him, smashing his cheek into the sweaty undershirt without care or concern.

"K'os," he sobbed, adjusting his arms to tighten his grip. There was desperation and sadness in his voice and the hint of an underlying need to find peace in the embrace, to find some excuse - any excuse - that told him he'd made the right decision.

The hybrid sank into the embrace with visible relief. Like a drug addict being handed his fix. He sensed overwhelming sadness and desperation coming from Ellsworth, and he pulled away slightly to have a better look, fearing he might be hurt. When he looked into his eyes, a sinking feeling suddenly radiated from his stomach. "Oren." He stated, less like a question and more like a realization of what had just transpired.

"Mm-hmm," Ellsworth mumbled. When he spoke it was quiet and garbled from having his head half-buried in K'os' sweaty shirt, "He knows about us, he knows how I feel about you, he knows I chose you, and he hates me so much."

He could feel the lingering sensation of the El Aurian's hurt and pain mix with his own self-hatred. It made him feel like a child again, running from a broken vase or poor grades or whatever drove him from foster home to foster home. It was fear of his own mistakes - the worry that he might have to stop and turn around to face them - that made him cling so tightly to the other man. If he ran into his arms and stayed here, flung himself full force into it, jumped from the high cliff onto the rocks of pleasure and pain, he'd never have to face Oren or the consequences of his actions. He felt bad and the thing that could make him feel good was standing right in front of him - was it not as simple as that?

His head fell back into K'os' chest and he threw his body weight against him until they were backed into his quarters far enough that the door sensor triggered the doors to close. "Touch me. Please? I need it. I need to be with you, K'os. Just for a minute, to feel it. To be together, like that. It's the only time I feel like myself..."

The hybrids expression slowly grew dark and intense. He had hoped in the back of his mind that by taking it slow, Ellsworth would realize what was happening between them and see it for the unhealthy relationship that it is. He stared at the smaller man's face as if he were trying to bore holes through his eyes. He slowly rose his hands to brush a strand of hair off Ellsworth's forehead. He traced his temples with the fingers of his right hand as he held man's shoulder with his other. K'os wanted to pull away in horror or disgust, but he found his hands finding the cerebral points on Ellsworth's face. He could feel the connection, like static. Pleasurable static. He fought hard against it even as he felt Ellsworth's mind practically yank the connection out of him.

"And what if I say no." He said. His tone was serious, and his lip curled slightly.

Despite all the heavy emotions weighing him down, Ellsworth managed to look genuinely surprised. K'os had never told him no, never even hinted at turning down his request for anything. He'd always been so concerned about the Betazoid's happiness that to ask for something was to receive it. Now to hear him raise the specter of denial and sound so serious about it frightened him. Had he made the right choice? What would drive K'os to even suggest such a cruelty? Suddenly, he felt very uncertain about everything, like he was standing on shifting sand. It was the same sensation he had the night he decided to run away from Betazed; he was like a trapped and frightened thing caught between monumental decisions, unsure about which way to go and what the consequences of each choice might entail. His instinct was to run, but all he managed to do was let go of the half-Vulcan and take a step back.

"I...don't know," Ellsworth admitted. His voice was shaky, like he was afraid to ask the question. "Why? Why wouldn't you?"

K'os mulled the question over in his head. The pull was undeniable and the urge to give into their need was great. He searched Ellsworth's face and his stomach ached from seeing him like this. "I think you know why."

"No, I don't," Ellsworth answered automatically, without even bothering to think first. Sometimes it was just instinct for him to disagree with someone, especially when they were refusing to give him what he wanted. K'os didn't seem inclined to reply, so he frowned and turned it over in his mind. Eventually, he grumbled, "It's dangerous, I guess."

K'os dropped his hands, secure in knowing at least for now he was in control of himself. He lead Ellsworth to the couch he and Doyle now shared. He sat, then patted the seat for Ellsworth to sit next to him. "Tell me what happened with Oren. What did you say to him?"

Ellsworth's face took on a pained look, and he turned his body partially away from K'os while keeping his seat close to him. The body language spoke volumes about his reluctance to discuss the matter; it had only just happened, and the wounds were still fresh. But he felt an obligation with K'os, not to mention he needed to talk it over with someone. So with all the petulance of a child, he grabbed K'os' arm, put it around his shoulders, snuggled up into the crook of his arm, and then relaxed back into him, secure in the knowledge that the cloth between their bodies would stave off the direct interference of any telepathy.

"I... Well. He told me that he heard you were on board, like he was trying to save me. And..." Ellsworth took up K'os' other arm and picked at the sleeve of his shirt near the wrist just to give himself something to do. "I guess he saw it in my eyes. He's smart."

K'os took the brief moment of distraction to assert further control over his emotions. At least then, he wouldn't be pulled in. He hated that he had to do it, when Ellsworth was seeking comfort and empathy in that moment but he pushed his feelings down until he felt empty and clear. "This doesn't feel right, Ells." K'os squeezed him closer to reassure him that he was still a source of comfort. "Not the closeness. I mean, this whole thing in general." Of course, of all the times to struggle for the right words, it was now. He tried again. "I don't think you want to hear this, but this bond feels out of control for me. I think it's threatening to take over our lives, if it hasn't already. It's the only thing I can think of when I lay awake at night, and when I do sleep, every night I have dreams Ells, your dreams. Something happened on that beach in Bali. It changed us up here, and it's altered our judgment. Look what it's doing our health. It's confused you about Oren, and I don't want you to lose that."

"I'm not confused!" Ellsworth snapped. "I wish everyone would stop telling me what to do, what I am, and what I feel. I know what I'm doing." His muscles were tense, reflecting his edgy state of mind, but he pushed back into K'os' embrace nonetheless. "There's nothing wrong with us. We just have to fix your pon farr thing or whatever, and then everything will be perfect. We can be together then, really together." He looked down at K'os' hand and traced his finger along the contours of the half-Vulcan's hand, careful not to let his touch linger too long. "Everything will be fine, you'll see."

K'os remained steadfast, thanks to his state of calmness but also from the confidence in his control. The pressing need to connect and feel Ellsworth's mind was strong, but he was determined to keep it suppressed. "You're not listening to anyone. You're not listening to me. I have melded with your mind, Ellsworth. Do you understand fully what that means? Our brains had to change and adapt to become one mind. It was sloppy, and it was dangerous and we didn't have protection against the consequences. You know I'm right, Ellsworth. I've seen your thoughts and your memories and your desire for this connection has taken over your reason."

A spark of anger flared inside him, but Ellsworth couldn't trust if it was his own emotion or the plak tow manipulating him. He'd always resented people telling him what to do and trying to manipulate him. Or, more to the point, he'd never liked people trying to keep him from what he wanted, and right now all he wanted was K'os. He wanted him first and foremost in a carnal sense; it was a feeling he'd been unable to shake since he'd felt K'os' presence back on board the ship. To telepathically reach out in even the barest sense had meant instant arousal of a primal sort, like a hunger that couldn't be sated. And beyond that he wanted him around, always. It answered a deep desire to have the peace and the safety and the security of being able to reach out at any point in time and feel K'os' mind completely, to wrap himself in the love and the bond and the experience that they shared.

Ellsworth brought K'os' hand up to his mouth and kissed it. Kissed his thumb and his fingers and his palm and the back of his hand. It took on a feverish pitch, with the kisses coming faster as the tears began to flow, and his voice was high and squeaky and desperate. "K'os, don't." He dropped the hand and turned on the couch, half-climbing into the Vulcan hybrid's lap to look him in the eyes. His own eyes were wide and frightened. "Please! It was sloppy and it was dangerous, but it was right... We're supposed to be together." His brow drew together and he whimpered as he pounded a palm against K'os' chest, the desperate act of a desperate young man trying to save that which could not be saved. "You're my imzadi."

"I am your imzadi." He agreed. His face remained passive. "And you will have many more imzadi's after me. It means beloved in your mother tongue, doesn't it? This other thing we have is different. This isn't love, this is infatuation. It's obsession. I felt what it was like to love someone. Me. The hybrid who before meeting you viewed love as chemicals that made me feel irrational things. But after we connected, I thought love was supposed to be the feeling you get when you're apart and you spend your days alone, sweating and pacing and thinking nothing except being a combined soul again." Tears welled up in K'os' eyes but his voice didn't waver. "I thought it meant love made you sick with worry for the other person that they would deny you the type of bond that only they could provide. I thought it meant carnal passion and rutting that lasts for days. I crave it every day. The sex. The bond. The sharing of thoughts and memories. I have fevers and nightmares until I've finally connected or I shut down my emotions. Then it starts all over again till the next time."

K'os closed his eyes as the memory of their last bond made a wave of happy pleasure pass over him, "And ooh the feeling of each new connection gets more intense and it gets right under your skin." K'os' face returned back to a passive, but intense stare. "Love shouldn't feel like insects crawling over your skin and your skin becoming so hot you want to rip your sonic shower out of the wall to demand cold water." A flash of anger crossed his face, but K'os squeezed his eyes shut as if straining and he returned to a passive state again. "I felt love for the first time, just the other day, Alax. During our connection in the mess hall and again outside in the corridor. When I experienced your memories of Oren. The glow you get when you think of him, it's incredible. If you think what this is, what you and I have is love, then you are confused." K'os searched Ellsworth's face intently, hoping something he said triggered anything. His mind was already made up that he was taking him straight to Sickbay, but he'd rather have Ellsworth come to that realization on his own. He had patience, and he'd wait all night if he had to. But he was taking him. He knew deep down that meant losing Ellsworth forever but he had to stay strong.

"I'm not confused," Ellsworth countered, but it sounded like a lie even to him; it was just his usual hasty and poorly thought out reaction.

He was confused, and he'd been confused from the moment K'os had reappeared in his life. He loved Oren. He'd told him as much and meant it when he left his quarters moments ago, when he turned his back on him and chose another man. But despite whatever K'os said, he loved him, too. He'd hidden it with hatred and a healthy dose of denial when K'os left him the first time and now it was muddled by whatever their bond was doing to him, but deep down he loved him. Just... Differently. He recalled Pieter Van Zyl's earlier question about his dilemma - why was it so easy to call Oren and not K'os a husband-to-be? - and he struggled to grab hold of the feelings behind the sentiment. But they were slippery and ephemeral, like something was blocking him from the truth of it with a haze of smoke.

Ellsworth looked up, met K'os' eyes, and searched them for an answer. Wasn't love feeling like a connected soul? Wasn't love what they had? He wanted to lose himself in K'os every moment of every day; there were times he even dreamed about a permanent link, a meld so tight and so close that he never had to leave its embrace. He craved it when they were apart and pushed its limits when they were together. The more he thought about it in that moment, the more he wanted it. He could feel it calling to him, spurred on by the closeness of their bodies and the intimacy that came from staring into one another's eyes. If he could just convince him to let go of his Vulcan control and merge then maybe he'd see how much he loved him. They didn't have to be confused; the bond would eliminate all the confusion. They didn't have to speculate about love and whether Oren or K'os was the "right" choice; the bond would show them the meaning of true love. They didn't have to worry about anything at all; the bond would solve all their problems.

Ellsworth slowly shifted his body until it was fully straddling K'os' lap and slid his arms around the other man's neck. He leaned close enough to him that he could feel the heat of his breath falling on his face, all the while keeping direct eye contact, and embedded his hands in K'os' hair. His fingers spread against his scalp, seeking to touch flesh to flesh, and his mind reached out with a minimum of effort:

Don't you love me, K'os?

K'os drew in a breath at the touch, but when he continued to maintain control, he allowed Ellsworth to desperately seek out the connection that wasn't coming. He gently took Ellsworth's hands in his. "Not in the way you think I do." He tried to smile, but it was hard to force it with his concentration solely on denying Ellsworth what he thought he needed. "And certainly not in the way you love Oren. I want to give in. Believe me I can feel it deep inside and it's not easy to say no. But this addiction has to stop. It has to."

K'os gently moved Ellsworth's body so they were next to each other again rather than wrapped around each other. "It's not too late to fix this. Come with me to Sickbay."

Ellsworth wanted to resist. He wanted to resist physically, even though he was completely outclassed. He wanted to resist mentally, where he thought he might stand a chance. But instead, he just felt tired and crushed. As K'os easily moved him aside, he sank back into the couch like all the strength had gone from his limbs. The thing was still summoning him, demanding he rally his flagging spirit and fight, but he was so emotionally exhausted that he couldn't answer the call. He knew his body was worn out from the constant demands on his paracortex, but the emotional ups and downs of the past few days seemed like they had taken a heavier toll.

Slowly, he turned his head to the side and looked at K'os with hollow eyes. "I love you, K'os," he murmured, sounding defeated in giving the closest thing he could to consent.

The hybrid scooped him up into his arms and stood. "It's going to be okay. We're going to get you some help. You'll see." K'os stood and carried Ellsworth to the door and down the corridor towards Sickbay. A memory of Nusa Lembongan came to mind, one that would forever stay as vivid in his mind as the day it happened. That beautiful shore leave day when the tale of Slow Sally-Seaweed and the Half-Vulcan Prince was first spun.

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PO3 K'os Beaumont
Engineer's Mate
USS Galileo

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo
[ PNPC - Mott ]

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