Personal Log 003

Posted on 30 Sep 2014 @ 6:07am by Chief Warrant Officer 2 Vasily Sokolov Ph.D.

529 words; about a 3 minute read

Computer, begin personal log.

Scientists have discovered things causing trouble in mines are energy beings or some such shit. Red energy beings with tentacles and obelisks and vast underground network. Vasily thinks maybe away team just stumbled onto set for Cardassian propaganda film entitled, "Mine Uridium Better Or We Will Let Evil Shit Kill You." Apparently energy things cannot be shot but I say away team was not shooting hard enough. Shoot hard enough and you can hurt anything, okay? Remodulate energy frequencies, switch to disruptors, throw rotten fruit, I don't know. Try different things. One thing will make aliens say "ow" then focus on that thing. Keep shooting until every little wispy bit of energy thingy is gone. Then, mine problem solved. Harsh? Maybe. But energy thing should not attack people, then maybe we don't commit genocide.

Vasily, of course, does not negotiate with enemy. Enemy attacks, Vasily shoots back until enemy is dead. But this is science ship so we investigate and genuflect and bow and scrape like dainty little girls. Senior staff must be composed of fragile Europeans because they have decided to try appeasement route first and give over tribbles as peace offering. Historically, this has track record of working so very well, of course... Vasily still thinks maybe we should try shooting one more time - fight evil where evil lives - but at least this solution gets rid of stupid tribbles.

Tvoy mat'! If I see one more of those furry little bastards again I will kill it and hide body. I don't care what commodore says about humanitarian bullshit. Commodore does not have to clean out Jeffries tubes and round up millions of furballs. Commodore sits in office having feet rubbed by oil-coated sex slaves while Vasily is elbow deep in waste extraction unit retrieving impacted tribbles and God only knows what else. Those tribbles are invasive species. Borg comes on board, disables systems and sets up shop in main engineering... We do not go down to engineering and say, "Oh, look how cute it is with its little assimilation tubules and myo-neural cortical array and exo-plating. It is just so simple and innocent, following orders and crippling critical systems."

No! We shoot the damn thing until it is vaporized! Dead! Exploded! Disabled and disintegrated, never to touch another precious system again! Maybe when Borg come back for next invasion of Federation space Borg Queen will have learned Starfleet weakness for things covered in fur and say, "Oh, shit, why didn't I think of this before? All we have to do is look cute. Vast accumulated knowledge of thousands of species and all we had to do was put drone in fur suit? We did this totally wrong in last invasion." Send in drones covered with cute fuzzy pink fur and military lays down arms. Replace "We are Borg, you will be assimilated, resistance is futile" with "Coooo coooo" and all ships drop shields. "Don't worry," Fleet Admirals will say, "it's just tribble Borgs, it's okay, see how cute they are?"

Hmmm... Vasily should definitely avoid assimilation so enemy does not learn about brilliant tribble Borg strategy.

Computer, end log.

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