Personal Log 001

Posted on 14 Aug 2014 @ 6:16am by Chief Warrant Officer 2 Vasily Sokolov Ph.D.

577 words; about a 3 minute read

Computer, begin personal log, which is my favorite thing to do out of all favorite things...

Current mission is bullshit. Fancy Green Commodore should vacate fancy Commodore Quarters and make Vasily mission advisor. Vasily has mission finished in three days at most. Mine is haunted? Big deal. Blow up stupid mine, kill ghosts, go home. So Cardassians are out some uridium. Boo-fucking-hoo. They can put losses toward giant debt owed to Federation in manpower and materiel for saving their wrinkly gray asses from Dominion bootheel.

"Oh, Federation, why do you blow up mine?"

"I don't know, Cardassia, why do you invite evil fucking empire into Alpha Quadrant, enslave and torture Bajorans, and open haunted mines? But do not worry, we throw away many ships and people all the time in large-scale wars precipitated by crazy spoonheaded race giving evil empires foothold in Alpha Quadrant. It is common occurrence, so no big deal, you don't owe us anything. We are very sorry for haunted mine blowing up. Here is 20% off coupon for next bulk order of Federation-made yamok sauce, please accept our sincere apologies."

If Cardassians had brain inside spoonhead they would design sensor array that does not rely on unstable element like uridium in first place, then we are not even in this problem with haunted mine. Only dim and shortsighted engineer sees uridium and says, "Oh, look at beautiful explosive unstable element. I think I will make sensor array from it. It will probably become biggest piece of shit sensor array among major powers of Alpha and Beta Quadrants, so bad it cannot see 50 meters in front of ship, but it is just so unstable and explosive I cannot help myself."

Also, I hear some people have died in mine. This is very sad but comes as no surprise to Vasily because mine was reported to be haunted. These dead people must be science officers or security officer who only does what he is told. Science officers are only Starfleet people who hear, "Mine is haunted, it is devouring flesh of miners and spitting bones back out," and say, "Okay, let us investigate this thing instead of blowing it up." And security officer is only person stupid enough to say, "Okay, I will come with you, blue-shirt person who has degree in advanced molecular biology but is still somehow very ignorant." This is why science ship is special hell for Vasily. I belong on warship where enemy is clear and there is no investigating. "Captain, Romulans are shooting at us." "Okay, shoot back." The End.

But oh no, we are here on science ship so we must investigate all things. Blow up mine? No, no, Vasily, we cannot blow up mine. Why are you so violent? We must see what is here first. So poor science officer or no-name security man dies in mine and we say to family, "Don't worry, he will be remembered on 'Memorial Wall For People Who Walk Into Fucking Haunted Mines And Die From Mine Monster.' We are sorry for loss, please accept bottle of kanar and posthumous medal of bravery or some shit like this." And they say, "It is okay, he died making Federation safer place because now Cardassians can build stupid low-functioning sensor arrays. We understand. Federation is great place to live. Please take our surviving son and send him to investigate haunted Romulan plantation."

Yes. Greatest of all places to live.

Computer, end log.

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