Damaged Goods

Posted on 20 Jul 2014 @ 2:02am by Lieutenant Elijah Williams IV, M.Sc.

756 words; about a 4 minute read

"Computer begin personal log.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate Tribbles and so should you! Okay, okay not funny. Not funny at all and if you noticed I didn't laugh either. This is getting to be frustrating, annoying and really just plain ridiculous. I am not sure who started this or how but they should be tried and hanged for the their crimes."

Elijah paused, leaned his elbows on his desk and held his head in his hands. He was tired... so tired; it had been non-stop since he had arrived back from the away mission. He lifted his head and ran a hand through his dark hair, messing it a bit.

"Okay, I didn't really mean that, you know about the hanging thing. That is cruel and I shouldn't have said it but it's frustration talking at this point. You can't go anywhere, THEY are everywhere. EVERYWHERE! I'd pull out my hair if I thought I looked good bald."

Elijah shook his head.

"Where did that come from? I never thought about being bald, I mean I have great hair. Right? I mean at least I think so. Oh my gosh, where is this even coming from? It's fatigue and frustration, but mostly fatigue. I mean don't get me wrong, I am happy for the work and happy to do what is thrown at me but between the 'ghost' - and I use that term loosely - in the mines and the Tribbles, it just seems to be a double whammy. I guess I am used to dealing with one problem or issue or research study at one time. I never thought I would be thrown into such chaos but maybe in a way it's like a test. Maybe it's to see if I can handle this, to see if I am truly cut out for Starfleet life aboard a starship.

Keval would say yes I am and of course I would have my doubts about that. There are always doubts; they are always lingering in the back of my mind. They are a constant, like a shadow. They follow me everywhere. The trick I suppose is living with them and not letting them consume me. Besides, my self-esteem is rocky enough as it is. I don't need my doubts surfacing, especially now. I kinda want to have a counseling session but now is probably not the most opportune time.

Speaking of Keval..."

Sigh.

"I haven't seen Keval since we have gotten back from the away mission. Now granted things haven't been normal around here and I have been working a lot but I should have put in more effort. It's been a few days since we shared that moment in the holodeck, but I think he is looking for me to make a move or define what he and I have... but I just can't. Relationships scare the hell out of me, they really do. But more than that, I have never been in one, the fact I haven't been with anyone, ever...

Keval knows this, I think I told him, honestly I can't remember. He and I had some heart to hearts before we left on the away mission. I shared some pretty personal information with him, stuff I never shared with anyone, ever. I still haven't fully filled him in on why I hesitate so. He just needs to be patient with me, especially if he wants to see where things go. I am not looking to rush into anything, but I'm not sure if he can wait. I know his goal is a relationship but I am not sure I will ever get to that point. I don't want to lead him on and I don't want him to wait for something that may or may not come. It's not fair to him.

I'm damaged goods.

My self-esteem issues get in the way of any hopes of being fixed or even finding happiness.

Thank you mom and dad for ruining my for life."

Elijah went quiet for a moment. He could feel the tears burning his eyes, but they didn't fall, he refused to let them. He reached up and with the palms of his hands, rubbed his eyes. His parents still had this hold on him, along the way they ruined him, tarnished him, beat him up emotionally and physically to the point he didn't have any self worth.

"How am I staying afloat?"

How? he thought to himself.

"Computer end log."

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