Why Oh Why!

Posted on 29 Apr 2014 @ 5:52pm by Lieutenant Elijah Williams IV, M.Sc.

715 words; about a 4 minute read

"Computer begin personal log...

Ghosts. Oh boy right? It's an absurdity to even think about such a thing but in a way I can't help myself. I am a levelheaded guy, not only that but I am a scientist, so why am I so concerned about people saying there are ghosts on Lyshan Three. I am part of the away mission that is going down to the surface; to say that I am excited is the under-statement of the year. I honestly didn't expect to go on an away mission this quick into my tour of duty here. I am the geologist on board and it is a mining facility we are going to, it would make sense. Right?

I have got to drop this self-doubt of mine. I am good at what I do; I have to have more confidence in that arena. I know I am good, I do good work, I am a great researcher so why is there self-doubt. It just makes no sense and it is infuriating. I just don't want to lose out on an opportunity because I don't speak up or that I doubt myself. I have to remember I know what I am doing. I am trained and have certifications and specializations.

I am the right man for the job!"

Elijah paused the recording and picked up a PaDD to look over then laid it back down onto the desk. He brought his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes. He knew where the self-doubt came from; it came from parents who never supported him in any of his endeavors. It came from parents who got upset with the choices he had made for himself. Even all these light years away, the two people who were supposed to love him and support him had such a profound negative impact on him. He hadn't seen his parents since he left for the Academy, it had been seven years and he thought he had detached himself.

I clearly haven't, Elijah thought to himself. The problem, at least in his own mind, is he never confronted them. There was no real closure with them and that had to have been part of the problem. Maybe after the mission he would rectify it. All it would take is a letter on his part. The letter was going to be good enough for now. He would be afraid of what he would do in front of them. No doubt, if he saw them face-to-face his father would make him feel like a child, cowering in the corner, like he did when he was five years old.

He sighed, there was just no easy answer to any of this. But the problem was, in order to move forward he had to figure these things out. He needed to move forward and not get stuck in the past. He really thought he had moved forward, that was what he told the counselor anyway. Was he just delusional? Had he convinced himself he had? More importantly why was he thinking about this now?

"Why now!"

It was the mission; this mission now meant everything to him. This was a chance to prove himself, to prove to his new shipmates that he was valuable. That taking him on board, accepting his transfer was a good thing. He started up the recording again:

"I am not sure what else to say concerning all what I said before. I can do the job and I just have to have confidence in myself to do so. On a side note, rumors have been going around concerning the Cardassians. I don't listen to rumors; in fact I am looking forward to meeting them. Maybe that makes me an odd duck, but I have limited experience with alien races that are beyond the core worlds. For me, this is an opportunity... an opportunity on a lot of fronts. I guess all I can do is wait and see and reserve judgment for myself and not allow others to influence me. I am here to do a job after all.

Hmm... well what do you know, I sounded confident there. Let's just hope I can keep it up. That is all for now, until next time. Computer end log."

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