Here we go, going in alone, into the dark and wonderful unknown

Posted on 28 Apr 2014 @ 6:11pm by Commander Andreus Kohl

567 words; about a 3 minute read

[ON]

Andreus Kohl's Personal Log, Stardate 67289.1

I'm trying hard not to think so much these days. Thinking just makes me miserable, you know? I question and I doubt and I agonize, and I don't find myself any closer to certain about what I want. Thinking so much doesn't bring me closer to being the man I want to be. Doesn't make me happy.

Of course, I don't actually have the will power to stop myself from thinking. To stop the worrying. I don't have the mental strength to control my thoughts like that. Which leaves me with tricks and tactics to fool my own brain. Mostly, I use mental and physical exhaustion. If I tire myself, if I burn out my brain, all that I have left for me is relaxation and physical pleasure.

I'm in the workout room, every morning, keeping to my rehabilitation regime. I'm tempted to exceed it, to force my body into rebuilding its strength even faster, but I know better. Well... I should know better. I should know that that way lies risk of injury, or recurrence. And so I don't push much beyond my medically-supported limitations. I keep on my feet, most of my shift, except when my treating physician has recommended positional change. I'm learning my responsibilities on Bridge duty science watch, and I'm in-and-out of the labs all day, in my efforts to keep the science personnel engaged with the ship's mission.

And then there's the meetings. To prepare for Lyshan III, I was meeting with the Planetary Sciences division to summarize our findings for the Chief, meeting with the Chief to deliver our report, and the meeting with Planetary Sciences again to relay the Chief's orders for the following day.

Some days, not ever day, but some days, I work half a Beta-shift in Sickbay. That feels... that feels awfully good. But I try not to think about how good that feels. I don't want to think about it too much. Thinking makes me question the choices I've made; the choices I'm going to make.

I'm relieved I don't work in Sickbay every single day, because some nights I need to see Victarion. When I start to think - when I allow myself to think too much - I find myself wondering what he's doing. I wonder if his skin feels cool to the touch right now, or I wonder if it's glistening with a sheen of sweat. There wouldn't be time to see him if I worked in Sickbay every single day.

I don't let myself think about the other thoughts that follow in Victarion's shadow. Questions about his intentions, about my intentions. I don't think about the plans I should be making, or the talks we should be having. And so I think about his skin, and the curls of his hair. For now.

I don't want to think right now, Computer. I just want to sleep.

I was looking through images I captured on shore leave. There was an image I took of a chalk board in a cafe in San Francisco. (I can't remember what the cafe was called.) There was a phrase written on the chalk board. It said:

"Happiness is a direction. Not a destination."

Normally I hate aphorisms. But that one is sticking in my head. It's stuck to me.

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