Personal Log 003

Posted on 22 May 2012 @ 10:18pm by Lieutenant Lilou Zaren

925 words; about a 5 minute read

[ON - MD07]

"I'm not sure why or how it happened, but it appears that people want to be around me for some reason. Not that I don't like people, I do. I just... I guess I'm not used to them seeking me out. Will makes sense. I told him I'd like to spend time with him and he graciously accepted. He took me to Trill; well, a facsimile of Trill - probably the closest I'll ever get to my father's homeworld. I wish that I could see it for real; there was something about the colors, the feel of the grass and the air, that felt like home even though it isn't. Not really. Not for the first time, I find myself wondering just what I am. Where I belong. It's just as well I was born on a research station; I feel like an experiment most of the time. And the fact that my dominant genetics are all Trill... that doesn't help anything. What do I really know about my own people? Besides the fact that they won't even let me enter their embassy, that they hold the keys to the dream my body has always had, that they are They and I am I.

Yet, I hear rumors there's a Betazoid on the ship with a symbiont. And that's all right? That she be given one of Their races' historical gifts, when she has no Trill blood in her at all? And somehow my halfling status relegates me to diplomatic silence? There's no logic to it. Unless the logic is that I, personally, am at fault. Which, fine, I just wish they would tell me how. Why. Knowing would be better than wondering.

What I don't understand is how someone who could go doesn't. There's an ensign on board in sensor analysis who is Trill. At least, she looks it and she didn't mention anything to the contrary. She's never been to Trill. Seems to know less about it than I do. Which seems strange, doesn't it? I mean, if she can go, why doesn't she? At least to see. To try to grasp and understand what it means to be what we are. More than just genetics, but what it means. Where do we come from? Why have we grown this dependence on the symbionts? How are we supposed to survive without an integral part of our physiological construction? It's like sending ships into space without impulse engines; they don't necessarily need them to fly, but how much weaker, smaller, less than could you build them?

Kiri - that's the ensign's name - seems to want to befriend me, though I've no idea why. She reminds me of me in a lot of ways, and in others not so much. I scared her, just by asking a question while blocking the exit. I wonder if she's been... well. If she's seen a little of what I have. If so. Maybe I should try to help her? Although, how can I when I can barely help myself to function semi-normally? It's all I can do to fling myself from one project to the next and make my vague attempts at getting back to before. And I'm not even doing too well at that.

I had a... less than sound moment in the mess hall just from Lamar looking at me. And how ridiculous and pathetic is that? There was no cause, in hindsight, but in the moment just thinking about a marine - ex-marine, but still - staring at me at all was just... the memory of the thing hit me again. I can't seem to stop thinking about it for very long at a time; not since I admitted it to Drusilla. And while it felt good to get out of me for that moment, I don't think it was maybe the best thing in the long run. Especially not since I seem to be taking it out on Lamar, who's been nothing but nice. He's not even that threatening, aside from his size, but then again everyone's bigger than me. I'm used to that. Looking up to people. But there are moments when his posture, or the cadence of his voice, makes me think of that time and I can't... hold it together. And yet, still, I enjoy his company. And the weight of his hand on my shoulder. And, I have to be honest- a part of me is drawn to the fear, too. It's all I've felt for so long; I don't know if I'm trying to drown in it or fight it sometimes.

Maybe that's why Kiri wants to spend time with me. To deal with her own fear in her own way. If that's the case, I wil try to do my best to help her. I can't- I just can't be responsible for making anyone else feel the way I do. It makes me sick...

Green sea. Firing ranges. Running.

My shields are working! Sort of. They need work, of course, more tweaking, but they stood up well in their second round of testing. Much better than last time when they all overloaded. I think I've got the energy sync in the right levels now. It's just a matter of controlling the kinetic pulse relays. Mark 3 seems the most promising at this point, but I'll continue working with all of them. There's always more to learn.

Isn't that the truth."

[OFF]
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MWO Lilou Peers
Assistant Chief Engineering Officer
USS Galileo

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