Assistant Chief Counselor/Medical Officer's Log #12 - "Counter-Transference"

Posted on 31 May 2013 @ 1:04am by Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle

440 words; about a 2 minute read

I need to get out more. It's a rather blunt realization for me, I know, especially given my usual navel gazing personal logs, but I've had some experiences lately that have helped me see that maybe I've been too serious of late. The Away Mission has certainly played a role. Despite my initial fear, I'm not ashamed to say my team members and their excitement helped me find my own enthusiasm for the unknown again. I was focused on getting the job done and keeping people healthy of course, but I found myself actually smiling and laughing at times. I never thought I was a Debbie Downer before exactly, but I was surprised just the same at the relief I felt just to tease others down there and to smile.

At the same time, it feels wrong to talk about my away mission experience so positively in light of the death of Ensign Stone. I'd be lying if I said I don't feel some survivor's guilt even though I know it to be irrational. In a way, his death has only solidified my belief I have to get out more. Hell, even seeing Borg corpses felt like a reminder to live each day more fully. It's a bit cliche to say it aloud, but I truly have thought about what people would say about me if I died tomorrow. 'She was a dedicated healer' sounds nice, but it might as well be 'she was blonde' in terms of significance. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it happen in light of my workaholism, but if recent events have taught me anything, it's that at the end of the ride, no one regrets not working enough.

There's another reason I'm feeling like this, and although I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, all of this is new for me. I have come to realize I have begun to feel more than platonic feelings for a male member of the crew. I felt the sparks, at least on my end, at the conclusion of a psychological evaluation when the two of us lapsed into casual conversation. I have no idea if he noticed or if he feels the same way, but it's the first time in a long while I found myself almost flirtacious with a man. I know I will never use my role to cross any lines. I care too much about my work to do something so selfish and unethical, but I have started to consider the possibility of something more in my life. 'She was loved and a dedicated healer' wouldn't be bad at all.

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