Personal Log 010

Posted on 23 Apr 2013 @ 1:40am by Lieutenant Lilou Zaren

327 words; about a 2 minute read

Stone is dead.

I didn't know him at all, really, beyond the two unpleasant interactions we had. He scared me and made me feel small. He disrespected me, both times we spoke, personally and professionally. I don't know if he truly didn't comprehend what he was doing, as he said, or whether he used that as an excuse to behave as he liked. I've no facts from which to theorize. But he's dead. And the dog that seemed driven to have me for a meal is dead too.

And I feel... nothing.

Does that make me a terrible person? I should feel the emptiness in my heart for him the same as I feel it for the men and women in our crew who died during our last mission - people I'd never even spoken to. Stone - I knew his face, his voice, his presence, and his absence is beige to me.

I wonder: can I locate the cameras in Main Engineering and in my office and shut them down? I think: now I can walk the corridors again without worrying that creature will try to bite me again.

I worry: have I lost all my compassion? Did I have any to begin with? I still get heartsick when I think about Will lying on the floor of the Bridge, but I can't dredge even an ounce of pity for a man who just died. Gruesomely. Horribly. No one deserves a death like that; fear and panic in their last seconds, on some foreign planet, at the fangs of some horrible monster.

I think: this is why I don't like leaving the ship.

Something in me is broken, maybe. And this is one thing that I won't talk to Carlisle about. Maybe one of many.

I don't feel larger for his death. Nor happier. That's something. At least I haven't cracked my conscience completely, only dented it. Still. I worry. I think. I wonder.

RSS Feed