A Nightmare Come True

Posted on 28 Dec 2012 @ 1:52pm by

4,250 words; about a 21 minute read

Mission: Episode 02 - Resupply
Location: USS Galileo, Deck four
Timeline: MD10, 0730 hours

[ON]

She was moving down the corridor in a daze with her head down. No, she was floating. Maybe drifting. But she knew where she was going, she had control. Yes, she did have control. She couldn't feel her steps, but she was definitely moving. The walls were gliding by, so she knew that she was because walls didn't move, at least they weren't supposed to. Her heart was racing too. She felt it beating uncontrollably, she felt it against her ribs, in her neck, in her head, in her wrists, in her legs.

She was angry. Yes, that was it. She was angry, furious even. She was absolutely livid. She stopped walking, looked up from the floor and turned around to see over her shoulder. She had had to leave sickbay, yes. They had told her that she had to go. She was in the way. Her. She had every right to be in there, she was the closest thing to a friend that she had around here. Well, pretty much. But then there was Lirha, but that was something else entirely. She wasn't the same as Kiri, but neither was Kiri the same as Lirha. And then there was Athlen, and she didn't know how to consider him. Were they friends? What was she thinking?

But now, what if... She turned back round, resumed walking in the direction she'd been going. Her pulse was no slower than before. She still felt cloudy. Weak. Yes, she felt weak. And there was so much blood. There was too much blood. Her poor little head. It was in her mouth, her nose. That heavy gurgling noise, her struggle to breathe. Drowning in her own blood! Was it in her ears? No, she hoped not. Oh for the love of god, she hoped not.

She came to the turbolift and without thinking pressed the button, seeing her hand. It was red. Brownish, really - like the surface of Mars. It was Kiri's dried blood. She felt the stickiness on her tights, on her skirt. Yes, that was Kiri too. She had to get it off. She was covered in it, it was everywhere. She felt it hardening somewhere on her cheek, like dried mud. Yes, that was it exactly - like dried mud. She was breathing quickly now, faster and faster still. She told herself to get it together before she hyperventilated - why did she have to be this way - and passed out. It was coming, she could feel it. Her head began to tingle. No! she screamed in her head. NO.

The turbolift doors opened but it was not a welcome sight. No, it was a humiliating one. It was Liyar, stoic as always. Judging her, like this. In this condition. In this condition. Comme ca! He could not see her this way. Nobody could! She was Maenad Panne, and Miss Panne was composed. She was supposed to upstanding, regal. Austere! Her mouth opened, her eyelids fluttered, she stepped in beside him, not knowing what to do, where to hide - there was nowhere to hide. Her hands were bloodied, so was her uniform. Her skirt was still sticking to her knees and thighs from the blood. She looked like a serial killer, caught red handed. Literally. She knew she was not the person that she thought she was. Liyar knew it all along, but now it was all confirmed for him. "Deck..." she could barely speak. "Deck two," she was trying to breathe calmly, but couldn't. She blinked, her eyes were heavy and cloudy, like droplets of rain on the window. She had to water her plants! No, she had to get this blood off of herself. She could feel it on her face, on her hands again, the wet on her legs. Yes it had to go or she would claw off her own skin, and she would do it. She would do it. She was trembling, not too much but enough that she knew it was happening. Liyar was still there, she could not bear to look at him. She was so rude. She knew it, but nothing could be done about it, not now. Not ever. She was covered in blood. She had to get it off. She just had to get it off. It was death, that's what it was. She was covered in death and she couldn't think about it. She could not think about death, about Kiri. She could not reconcile with death as long as it clung to her like this.

NO! the mental scream resounded heavily just before the doors to the lift opened.

Liyar forcibly prevented himself from reacting at the sudden barrage of feelingsensationPANIC thrust in every direction, saturating the halls and filling up the empty spaces of the lift as the chief science officer walked in. He took in her appearance emotionlessly, standing at-attention with his hands behind him. She was covered in... blood - his mind supplied, causing him to blink a couple of times. He might have mistaken it for dirt, but the smell - metallic, another unusual component. Humanoid blood. He knew, of course, that many species had blood which was red, including Terrans. But he didn't really... it was red.

He vaguely became aware of a steady stream of random disjointed thoughts and feelings that lifted off of her like steam. The turbolift was moving agonizingly slowly. Was it always this slow? "Lieutenant," Liyar spoke, turning fully to face her. He could feel clutching fingers grasping at her consciousness, turning her peripheral vision fuzzy, narrowing everything down. He wasn't sure, considering the paranoid, agitated panic that threatened to obliterate any rational thought, that it truly wasn't an emergency. He just witnessed a senior officer enter the turbolift covered in blood. Ascertaining the situation was important. He attempted to meet her eyes, matching her panic with an equal measure of calm. "What has happened? Do you require medical attention?"

Maenad was staring at the floor, chewing her lips now. Liyar's question grabbed a hold of her like he'd grabbed shoulders and shook her. She looked up, realising how afraid she was. She began to see everything a little more clearly, now, and realised rationally just how serious everything was that had happened. Kiri might be dying. She blinked, recounting everything from her pleasant morning to the site-to-site transport to sickbay. When she looked up, though, her eyes stung. She fought it as hard as she could, but she couldn't hold it in. Maenad looked once at Liyar, looking like she were about to say something. But she couldn't say anything.

Almost instinctively, she grabbed him by the sides of his arms and pulled him into her chest, into the strongest hug that she could make. She started crying now, unaware that she was ruining the Vulcan's uniform. She didn't wail at all, but she was sniffing and making silent sob as she rested her head against the Vulcan's shoulder.

Liyar's eyes widened slightly as he was suddenly grabbed and his own instincts reached out mentally, without even thinking, sending a small pulse of calm to combat against the chaos being leveled at him. He could almost see random snapshots of images. Lieutenant Cho. Collapse. She was twitching... or, convulsing. A seizure of some kind. "Lieutenant, what has happened?" he asked again, gingerly laying a hand on her shoulder to separate them. He maintained the contact, staring down at her inquiringly. "Where is Lieutenant Cho?"

Still sobbing against the Vulcan, Maenad couldn't bring herself to immediately reply without tripping over her words. "Computer," she breathed, "Computer, halt." She didn't want the lift to arrive with her like this. She released Liyar after a few lengthy seconds, feeling like an idiot but not caring. His shoulder was stained with blood transferred from her face, tears, and some of her masque. "I'm sorry," she said, wiping her eyes with her knuckles.

He watched her compose herself and lifted his hand off of her. He could see she was still highly agitated and so he did the only thing he could think of and lowered his mental shielding, letting his own calm buffet the panic and fear in the atmosphere. He waited until she was capable of speaking again.

"I'm sorry, Mister Liyar, really, I am," she said, now leaning against the wall. She looked at her hands, which looked like they were bleeding again - the tears dampened the dried blood, making it 'fresh' again. The second time around wasn't half as disturbing, she thought, realising that her panic wasn't nearly as intense as before.

"Kiri," Maenad finally said, closing her eyes for a few seconds. "I don't know, Mister Liyar," she looked at him. "I found her in her office. I had to command override the door to open it. She was on the floor; she had hit her head on the desk. There was blood everywhere. It was in her mouth, her nose. It was gushing from where she had hit her head too. She couldn't breathe, she was choking on it, twitching and convulsing." Maenad started to cry again, but she wiped the water away - she had to regain her composure. "I ordered a beam to sickbay. They were all yelling things, doing things to her. I didn't know what any of it meant, I didn't know what to do," she let out a long sigh and her eyes suddenly appeared as though she were looking at something lightyears away.

"It appears as though you did what was necessary," he offered. While what she said about Kiri was definitely cause for concern, he seemed more focused on the problem in front of him, which was that of one very miserable lieutenant.

"I suppose I was in the way. I was asked to leave." Maenad closed her eyes and pinched her nose. She could smell and taste the iron of Kiri's blood, which started a rise in her pulse again, but she forced herself to suppress it for the time being.

"I am certain the medical personnel are very capable," he said, trying for assuring but coming off stoic as ever. "You are attached to her," Liyar ventured cautiously, though it wasn't a question so much as a statement of the obvious. "It is logical that you would be concerned for her wellbeing." He tipped his face up slightly, closing his eyes and remaining silent for several moments. He recalled the strange otherworldly sensation he received off of her in the computer lab, when she'd complained about the nosebleed. The feeling was much, much stronger now, and vibrated through him as he attempted to discern her status. "She is alive. They are working to stabilize her condition. She has suffered from a seizure. They are using a neural emitter to control the brain activity." His eyes opened. "Your quarters are located on this deck. You should come and clean this." He glanced at the various stains of blood streaking the blue of her uniform and her face. "I will accompany you."

Maenad smiled again, sniffling. "Computer, resume," she said, still wiping her eyes. "Thank you," she gave Liyar an appreciative smile. She didn't want to sound terrible, so Maenad kept her mouth shut. She wanted to think that Liyar was right, and part of what he had said was true, but she knew that most of her hysteria was caused by the blood and the horrible scene in which she'd found her. She could feel the blood on her again. She had to get it off, Liyar was right.

The doors to the turbolift finally slid open, and Liyar merely nodded in acknowledgement.

A moment later, Maenad made a brisk pace down the corridor to her quarters, assuming Liyar was following her. As she walked, the blood on her legs and on her skirt became more and more obvious to her - she could feel it against her skin, sticking in her tights. Still, she was calmer than she was before, but the potential was there to lose it again. It was always there, but now it was closer. She thumbed the control pad to open her door three or four times in a subdued frenzy. "Come on," she snapped.

The Vulcan followed her, keeping pace easily. He lifted his hand up to the override button above her head and pressed it, allowing the doors to open swiftly. The entire time they walked down the halls he maintained silence, observing her for any additional signs of distress or illness.

Maenad was already inside before the doors could finish opening and she instantly pulled the heavier jacket over her head and threw it away. By the time she had reached the door to her bedroom she had already jettisoned her tunic and dropped her skirt, squirming as she tried to get it off and walk at the same. She did not care at all whether Liyar was there to see or not, she only cared about getting away from the blood as quickly as was humanly possible. In the privacy of her bathroom, she ripped the tights as she tore them from her awkwardly long legs. She swore and grunted quietly as she struggled to tear them off, scratching herself multiple times in the process. Then, free of her clothing, she stepped into the shower and thoroughly cleaned herself. When she got out and started drying herself off, she spent a whole minute scrubbing her hands frantically, almost washing the skin from the bone.

Finally, she re-emerged into the living area after redressing in a clean uniform. Her face was white, even though she was embarrassed and burned from the sun the day before. She saw Liyar and clenched her jaw, staring at him. She had nothing to say, but she was grateful that he had remained, that he... cared? enough to follow her.

If he was disturbed or uneasy, it didn't show. "Your heartrate and blood pressure are considerably higher than the Terran norm," he said instead. He indicated the couch with a look as if silently asking her to sit. "Are you certain you do not require medical attention?"

Maenad licked her lips, unsure of how she should answer. As she considered his question she ran a hand slowly through her hair, then moved to the couch and sat down and crossed her legs. "I get really anxious around blood," she admitted, looking at her knees. "I just..." she looked up at Liyar, meeting his eyes for a moment. "I just can't handle it," her eyes went back to her legs.

It was an instinctive response he could understand, to a degree. In every species it must be an evolutionary imperative to respond to the color of blood, the life force draining out of another being. From the way Maenad spoke, her response did not seem to be within the normal range of Terrans. He remained standing, hands folded in front of him. "Is there a reason for this?" he asked quietly.

Maenad bit her lip. She looked up at him, wanting to say. Wanting to tell somebody. Her classified mission to Cardassia in order help retrieve stolen Bajoran artefacts had been extremely grisly. It had affected her deeply; it was the first time in her life that she had had to experience extreme violence and death. She had always been afraid of blood and gore, disease, illness - but ever since that mission with Starfleet Intelligence, it invoked a paralysing fear in her. It was strange for her, though, because memories of what had happened to her and to those she had known were not replayed in her mind at the sight of blood. The fear was hard to place. "I..." she began. "For a very short time, Mister Liyar, about a year ago..." she trailed off. "I took part in a mission," she eyed him. "And it has stuck with me. Deeply, in fact," she stared into her knees like they were coals in a fire. "The problem is, I have no one I can talk to about what it might have done to me because it was classified," she sniffed again and wiped at her eyes, trying to smile as though everything were all right. "And the sight of Kiri like that, it just..." Maenad laughed dismissively. "I'm sorry. I have ruined your morning and I have probably destroyed my reputation."

Liyar's expression was inscrutable, unreadable. It was a long time before he reacted in any real way, moving to sit down on the other side of the couch. "You have destroyed nothing." There was something odd in his eyes. Without altering his demeanor at all, there was something in the way he said it that was undoubtedly understanding. He touched his fingertips to his chin. "You have never found a way to be, at peace, with what has happened," he concluded from her previous statements.

"No," Maenad said quickly back. "Maybe," she corrected. "It is only blood that does this to me. I can remember details just fine, but when people are seriously injured, or blood is involved, I just fall to pieces."

Liyar knew that something of that degree in any Vulcan could cause fatal neurological damage. Any irrational phobia or trigger response, flashback or memory, dissociative type pattern wasn't simply integrated into function, it permeated the whole system, like a virus crashing a computer. He did not know how it could affect a Terran. He watched her fidgeting, eyes darting about. "Starfleet will not allow you to seek assistance with this?" he asked.

"Yes," Maenad nodded. "I don't consider that I need assistance, though, because it's very rare that I see that much blood, or people convulsing, or serious disease," she paused. "I have always been afraid of blood. When I get it on me, I get this uncontrollable urge urge to get rid of it. When I was a kid I would go nuts over a paper cut. When I was old enough to learn about dying and disease-- I have always been terrified of that sort of thing."

He listened to her explanation and tried to wrap his mind around it, but he couldn't, not really. He recalled the sensations from earlier and was unable to reconcile that with any normative state of function. "This does not interfere with your quality of life?"

Maenad huffed. "I don't know," she shrugged. "I don't think about it. I mean I do sometimes, sure, but that's only natural. Blood, sickness, disease, doctors... it's probably just an irrational phobia," she looked at him with a disheartened smile, hoping that she was making sense, hoping that he would believe her.

Liyar nodded. "I confess I am somewhat ignorant of what an irrational phobia constitutes. You seem to have linked it to a previous event, which precludes the possibility of total irrationality," he mused, thoughtful. "It appears... taxing. You do not find that your occupation itself exposes you to this phobia?"

"So far, I've been fortunate," she said. "I haven't had the opportunity to see death and disease, or violence, as a science officer - not yet," Maenad was still staring at her knees. "When I first came on board," she looked at Liyar with her eyes, keeping her head fixed the way it was, "The captain told me that they had run into trouble. I'd seen the condition of the ship both inside and out and I remember having a fit in my head. It was the first time, except for that classified mission, that I'd ever seen a ship so badly damaged. I knew just by looking at it that people had died," her eyes slowly moved back to her knees. "Captain Saalm told me that we'd likely be sent back to the frontier, and it scared me a lot. I hadn't considered the danger before. I know it happens to other ships; if a war broke out, other ships would be sent before us, before me," she sighed. "I promised myself that I would never involve myself with Intelligence again, so I wouldn't have to live with more regrets, nightmares, or see people get hurt. Seeing Kiri like that, though..." she trailed off. "I forgot how much these things frighten me."

"War and death, they are troubling," Liyar agreed. He had his hands in an almost meditative pyramid underneath his head and continued looking her in the eye while he spoke. "Among my people, we have an adage which states that death changes you, like a tangible thing. It can crawl inside and stick to the particles and atoms which make up your being. It is mere superstition," he said dismissively, "However I can comprehend what would motivate someone to draw that conclusion."

"Sometimes," Maenad thought aloud, "I start thinking about death and drive myself crazy. One day, I will be dead. Gone. And one day I will be forgotten, lost. Everything that I am, everyone that I know. Every thing that I know. After enough time, it will be as though I had never existed at all. And further still, after enough time it will be as though humanity never existed," she looked at Liyar with a playful grin. "Vulcans too," she added. "I find that hard to reconcile."

As a member of a species who had fractured into different worlds more times than should have been possible, Liyar could acknowledge the sentiment. "I find the concept... disconcerting," he admitted. "As Vulcans we are taught to understand A'Tha, to feel the Greater Consciousness, the links between k'war'ma'khon. As children we visit the Katric Arc and touch the memories of those long past. Vulcans, in particular, find the concept of eventual nothingness to be an anathema," he agreed.

"I was not aware of that," Maenad said with a smile. It was strange; just a few days ago, she was wondering how she would be able to function on a ship with this particular Vulcan, and now he was actually helping to soothe her. And why were they talking about death? Why was she telling him any of this? Weren't they talking about Kiri? Her phobia of blood, violence, and disease? "I appreciate this, Mister Liyar," she said to him. "I know that I came across as abrasive to you, perhaps resistant, stubborn, and I'd hate to even say arrogant," she wasn't going to apologise for her opinions, but she hoped that he knew where she was going with this. "Thank you."

The Vulcan arched an eyebrow. "I believe the correct response is, you are welcome," he said in response. "As for how you have come across," he parsed the speech in his head, "I have not had much of an opportunity to properly understand the dynamics of Terran personality traits. I had simply assumed your responses to encompass a further degree of expression to which I am ignorant," he stated truthfully.

Rather abruptly, Maenad switched her crossed legs. "Where were you going earlier? I'm sorry to have wasted so much of your time."

Liyar stood, folding his hands behind him. "I was returning to my quarters briefly," Liyar said, which was unusual given that his shift started ten minutes ago and he didn't exactly have a reputation as a slacker, but he offered no other explanation. "You have not wasted my time. It is logical to attempt assistance if it can be attempted. Your life signs have returned to a more nominal state. Are you certain you do not require a medic?"

"It wasn't my blood, Mister Liyar," she replied, standing with him.

Liyar inclined his head briefly, though that hadn't been what he meant by the question, he left it be. "Very well. I shall depart, then." With that, he turned and headed toward the door.

Maenad followed Liyar to see him out. After the doors closed and she was standing there alone, a sudden wash of emptiness came over her. To get rid of her thoughts and to put some time between her what had happened to Kiri, Maenad went into her bathroom and removed a bottled of sleeping pills from the medicine cabinet. She took two when she was only supposed to take one, swallowing them with cupped water in her hands, then wiped them try on a handtowel, and the rest on her skirt. In her bedroom, she took off her uniform and climbed back into bed, trying not to think of the blood of that was on her hands, or Kiri suffering on the biobed two decks below. Liyar had said that she was doing well, but how did he really know.

[OFF]

Lieutenant (JG) Maenad Panne
Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo

Lieutenant (JG) Liyar
Diplomatic Officer, VDF/SDD
USS Galileo

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