My Stars, My Knight

Posted on 02 Dec 2012 @ 12:37am by Lieutenant Kiri Cho

2,061 words; about a 10 minute read

Mission: Episode 02 - Resupply
Location: USS Galileo, Deck 3 - Kiri Cho's Quarters, Upper Hull
Timeline: MD8 2230

[ON]

Was it a third wind, a fifth? There had been a few. Kiri was so used to her regimented and carefully planed life that she had forgotten what it was like to forgo sleep, never had she been this tired though. The horrors that stalked her dreams were getting worse, harrowing her to the core. Snapping at her heels every time she closed her eyes, she had been so tired all day. The data-rod, the captain, her new room. She had a new bed too, she was scared of it. To have a double bed, for the first time, she felt like an adult. No, it was an adults room, she wasn't an adult. Running scared from bad dreams and sounded in the dark, terrified that she would be sent a way. Told that she couldn't do her job. Told that she didn't belong. That was the sharpest of her early memories, one she now despised. What a stupid child she had been, the only one to blame was herself.

It was late, she didn't remember why but she was up and her parents were talking in the living room. Crouching down by the sliding door she had listened, half asleep. She had heard her mother crying, it made her want to run to her but she should be in bed. Instead tiny fingers slipped a crack in the door, enough for one eye to see. Her mother with her curly orange hair was sat on the sofa, her father next to her with his hand on her shoulder. The tone was one she had never heard from her mother before, thinking back that alone was enough to make her want to cry. It was so sad, the words meant more sense now, but then they were a terror that stabbed deep into her very soul.

"I don't know what to do. Were we wrong? Should we have said no and sent her to Trill? Crying like that, does she hate it here?"

Earlier memories of other children were mostly happy, there was one thing though. Of those with pointed ears, green skin, blue skin, wrinkled faces, bald heads, she was the only one with spots. Kiri always knew she was different from her parents, they had made no secret of that. When the other children made fun of her, making jokes, she cried at them. She always cried. Now she guessed that she was insecure, she still was just now she could fight back at it. Because she reacted they called her names more, so she cried more. Her mother would always know, pick her up and tell her how pretty she was. Kiss her on the forehead, make everything better. Kiri was five and a half years old when she saw that her mother had another face. One that cried.

The conclusion she had come to back then was she had upset her mother. When she cried she made her mother cry, because of that they might send her away. Her parents were everything to Kiri, even if not the same they were perfect in her eyes. The voices died down, not wanting to hear any more and scared more than she ever was until the night before she joined Starfleet, she crept back to bed. That night she resolved never to cry again, so they wouldn't send her away. Playing with the other children always brought her to tears when the names came, they meant nothing but however much she tried the tears flowed. Desperate she cast herself adrift, forsaking them all, her friends. By the time she was six the names stopped coming, at least to her ears. She vehemently refused to play with the other children, spending her time with school work or her grandmother. Sometimes she would catch words from other parents or her teachers.

"Her mother must be so proud, look how good her work is."
"Such a well behaved girl,"

Those words even came from her own parents, praise for the work she brought home, all the books she was reading. Driving her on more and more, they hated her crying, they loved it when she worked hard. Her imagination fuelled the flames, when they raised concerns, asked if she wanted to play with other children she had excuses. Kiri doubted now that they were believable but she was happy. To her parents was that enough? Work was fun, doing it meant she was safe with her family, she didn't need anyone else.

She was so stupid back then. If she had never gotten out of bed, she would have played. She would have run and jumped and made castles out of boxes. She'd have painted Klingon ridges on her forehead and gone to war with the other children, she'd have laughed and learnt how to tell jokes. She wouldn't be so scared of everyone, she'd know how to make friends. Everything would be better. Or if she wasn't such a cry baby, gosh she was a liar. She would never cry again, she cried lots, just never in front of anyone.

The room wasn't hers, it had her name on the door. It had the two boxes of all of her belongings she had taken, the three pictures on her desk, the sculpture that Sellen had given her. That was it. There was room enough to pace and that was just what she did. Unsettled she was neither tired nor productive, legs aching from walking so much, all the day's coffee making her chest ache and her head throb. Finally the window caught her eye, stars. She let out a gasp, why hadn't she thought of it before?

Still in uniform she left with conviction, fleeing towards the Jefferies tube. Hand over hand she climbed upwards, it was stupid, it was exciting. Moving through the airlock she felt a gust of fresh air. Tired limbs pulled her up, sliding onto the outside of the ship. It was a little windy, it was dark but not completely. Light spilled out from either side, windows like her own facing out. Keeping to the centre, hoping not to be noticed Kiri walked along. Eyes turned up now, wind pulling and her loose black hair wildly. Breathing in she felt different, stars were out without a cloud.

She always liked the stars, maybe it was because she had no friends that she had learnt their names. The stories of the constellations and where they were at different times of year, the angles were different but most of them she could still trace. The Azure Dragon, the Sea and Mountain, the Snake, Flying Fish, the Firebird, even the lone stars had characteristics. Flashy, pretentious, dull and boring, excitable, musical, happy, smiling, lost. Finding standing harder Kiri laid down on the cold hull. It was her ship and her stars, it would be her home. It was the only way she could visit those stars and find new ones, that had been her goal. Despite the delight she took in them though, stars made a sour replacement for friends. Those she had started to make, they didn't come close to what she wanted. All those things she never did she wanted to do, all those stupid childish things that everyone else must look back on fondly. Would anyone understand that, would anyone share it? Adults stood up to their problems but she always seemed to run away. If she was strong like Kiwosk was, or in control like Sellen, then she would be able to make it happen. She was a mouse that knew if she squeaked she would be found out.

It was more comfortable here, able to watch the stars, listen to the wind and feel the cold air. Time passed for a while, it could have been years and right now Kiri wouldn't have cared. The ship had a different character now, it wasn't a spaceship. It was a great metal galleon, drifting on an ocean of grass with the night sky above. She could navigate by them, like an adventure. The ones she read about in old books, pirates and things, she never really liked the pirates though. Children stories where the bad guys always lost and nobody died. The ones where no one got hurt were always her favourite. As she grew older those sorts of books were almost always more violent, characters she liked dying upset her, sex made her blush and turn the page. She'd like heroes from books to come, a knight in shining armour just for her. Another childish notion.

The stars were hers though, there was no one else on her deck, she could be a child. Curling up into a ball, for a while she was. Crying tears for things she had never done, the mistakes that would never go away, how tired she was, her dreams. Then finally for the chance that no one on the ship wanted her. No one had invited her to anything more than a meal. Kohl when he had offered to go to the mess with her, Panne had done the same, as had Kiwosk. She had invited them outside of the ship as a group, set up a training exercise for the department, even organised an even bigger event due in a few hours. Yet who had invited her to anything? Did anyone think of her as she thought for them?

When no more tears would come Kiri felt a little better, rubbing her eyes she felt the chill. Laying here all night would be no good, but that room. With its big lonely bed, empty hollow rooms with no life. She didn't want to go back there. Tonight she was a child, she was alone. There was no one in the world she would dare show this side of herself to. It wasn't how she should act, neither was it like an officer of any sort. There were games she could play with no toys, no one else, just her mind. Standing up she straightened her uniform, starting to walk along the solid body of the ship. It had been years and years but she remembered. Young lord Xho, his friends and retainers, now they were on a voyage. Closing her eyes she could create the scene, the Galileo a great wooden galley, green waters reaching on in every direction other than ahead. Atop a stone cliff in the distance was a castle, imposing and dark, clearly sinister. She played all the parts, from the wise old man who knew everything the worried oarsmen to Xho standing with one leg on the prow, watching the horizon. Mouthing the words she kept her eyes closed not moving too much. She didn't know what this story would bring, silently mouthing the words on each persons lips, responding in turn. Sometimes there was a princess to save, or evil forces to stop or sometimes just time spent with friends. If there was a princess then Kiri played her too, sometimes as herself sometimes as someone similar with a different name and a prettier face. Xho would always protect her, do anything for her hand, he would always fall in love with her at first sight.

Sinking to her knees she went on in her story, rising every now and then to pace as a guard or swash buckle as Xho. Fun, she had fun and some of the night had gone, she should sleep. A victory under his belt in her mind Xho did, having rid the castle of the mean lord that ruled there, the people had cheered and thrown a great celebration. It brought a happiness that had been fleeting to her lately, it would be nice to be able to do something like that. Starting to step back towards the open hatch Kiri felt the scales slid the other way. She had none of the things that Xho did, nor the princess. However much she hoped there wasn't going to be a knight like that for her. There was no way she could act like that, it just wasn't possible. In the stories she had total control, in life she had almost none. The tiny whisper in her mind sang forth, you have tonight.

[OFF]

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Lieutenant (JG) Kiri Cho
Assistant Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo

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