Reluctant Discovery

Posted on 13 Apr 2024 @ 11:45pm by Lieutenant JG Serran & Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle
Edited on on 18 Apr 2024 @ 1:48pm

2,815 words; about a 14 minute read

Mission: Episode 19 - Tomorrow's Galileo
Location: USS Galileo-A - Deck 3, Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD 01, 0058 hrs

[ON]

Serran wasn't a social butterfly like Theo was, but he wasn't a recluse either, nor would he have considered himself to be an introvert, though others around him might make that assertion.

It was true he liked to be alone; to meditate, read, or just watch his fish swim by, but could just as easily spend time in the holodeck or the ship's lounge and he enjoyed playing games of chance as well.

Though he wasn't especially outgoing, he was friendly enough and would engage, though perhaps not instigate a conversation.

What he did not like doing though was opening up and revealing any of the emotions he hid behind the curtain of logic. It would have been difficult for anyone, especially if they did not him well to notice that he was at all nervous, or that he was in a place that made him feel uncomfortable.

He was sitting comfortably his legs crossed in front of him. He wasn't sure why Theo had wanted to come at a different time, even though they wouldn't be seeing the same counselor at the same time, but he had not argued with the boy over it. He did however wonder what he would be saying to the counselor.

"Lieutenant Serran, she will see you now," the receptionist spoke.

Delainey stood and offered a polite smile and hand as she approached the blonde-haired Vulcan with bright eyes. It occurred to her they looked similarly. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

He too noticed how much they resembled each other. He took the offered hand, the corner of his lip turned up slightly then back in place as if the hint of a smile was something to be avoided."

"Good morning, it is a pleasure to see you as well," he said extending his hand and taking hers. "How do you fare today?"

"I'm well, thank you," Carlisle replied, noting his handshake was firm. "Please," she gestured for him to sit and make himself comfortable. "May I get you something from the replicator?"

He took a seat, looking relaxed, at least outwardly repeating the position he had taken earlier outside her office.

"Thank you for your hospitality, Black Tea would be appreciated."

His request was easily fulfilled and as soon as she had placed the cup in his hand, she sat back and offered, "So, how may I be of assistance?"

"I don't need any assistance per se," I am dealing with my issues such as they are. I am here because it is required. Regulations state that any officer being posted to a new billet, or assignment will make themselves available for onboarding physical and mental evaluations."

He took a sip of his tea. "It is just a formality."

Carlisle appreciated his candor and the way he seemed to exhibit polite compliance and discomfort all at the same time. "I appreciate your commitment to regulations, even if they are just a formality," she added with a look of mischievousness. "Perhaps since you're here, we can talk about the issues you're on top of?"

The Vulcan steepled his fingers. He was trapped he didn't know what he should say, or if he could just skirt the issue altogether. He knew he couldn't lie.

"I have moved on from my ex," he stated almost as if he believed himself.

"I see," Delainey replied. She truly didn't know if that was true, but whether it was or was not, his mention of an ex elicited curiosity. "Tell me more."

"Finn and I met at the Academy. We were and remain opposites in almost every way. At first, that was a strong point in our relationship. I helped him deal with his emotions, which were volatile even for a human. He helped me be more in touch with mine while still allowing me to let logic rule.

I asked him to marry me right after the Academy Things were really good when we were together. When we were sent to different assignments, things fell apart. Neither of us cheated, as far as I know, but the attempt at a long-distance relationship failed."

"I'm sorry," Carlisle offered sympathetically. She expected he might find her reaction illogical since she was not responsible for the end of the relationship, but just as logic represented a core component of his personality, empathy represented a core component of hers. "Am I correct in thinking ending the relationship was not your idea?" His mention that no one had cheated, as far as he knew, suggested to Carlisle that perhaps Serran had been taken by surprise.

"No," the Vulcan replied stiffly. "It was his. I was in the middle of my shift when I received a subspace call. That call was the official notification that he wanted a divorce. I was in no way expecting that. I thought that whatever differences we had could still be worked out. I was wrong."

"That seems particularly harsh," Delainey replied. "It's difficult enough to deal with the end of a marriage, but doubly so to find out in the middle of your workday without any opportunity to respond or process it. I'm wondering, what did you tell yourself about his choices?"

"I asked myself why he made them, why he did not follow a different path. I could not answer that fully, even to myself. I am not shirking responsibility for my contribution to the destruction of our relationship, I know I bear much of the blame. I would have been willing to work through our differences."

"In retrospect, however, I should not have been surprised, Finn was always... emotional."

"But as I said, I have moved on."

Carlisle wasn't sure about that, but she had no doubt he very much wanted that to be true. It didn't escape her notice the way Serran quickly volunteered he was not attempting to shirk his responsibility for his part in the end of the relationship, and she wondered if that was an accusation he had heard often, by Finn or by others. "I wouldn't call breaking up with you in the middle of your work day an 'emotional' response, but a rather calculated one. I don't consider it illogical of you to be surprised by another's cruelty, especially when it comes from someone you loved."

"What I meant," Serran said sitting back in his chair, crossing his arms across his chest, "is that Finn frequently reacted out of anger. Or fear. He came close to hitting me ever so often, or at least he wanted me to think he was. He was..."

"I am sorry counselor, but this is really starting to make me feel uncomfortable talking to you about this, about my failures."

"So far, I've heard nothing about your failures whatsoever," Carlisle pointed out gently. "For the record, nothing justifies violence or even intimidation in a relationship ." The counselor paused, then offered, "I don't wish to make you so uncomfortable, so if it would help, we can move on to what you've done to get over it for now." Of course, Delainey was concerned and she wanted to circle back to the topic of his marriage, but for now, she didn't want to push too hard.

Certainly, this conversation was going in an unexpected direction, and the counselor wanted to tread carefully. Still, volunteered information suggested he at least wanted to talk about some of it.

Soren pulled a stray lock of hair away from his face. "I did try dating a few times, but that didn't seem to work out. So, I've given up on that for now and focused my attention on raising Theo and doing my job."

"Focusing on the things that give your life meaning can help in tough times," Carlisle agreed with a nod. "Still, after something traumatic like the end of a marriage, moving on can also look a lot like shoving emotions down and pretending things are OK. I'm not saying I know that's what you're doing, but I suppose I'm wondering if you understand why it may be hard for me to determine the difference."

The counselor was sure there was more Serran wasn't saying, and although she didn't know all of the details, she understood shame to be a particular barrier.

"Controlling one's emotions has always been a Vulcan trait I still have fe... I still regret some of the decisions I made."

"Perhaps it would be beneficial to talk about it? No one is perfect and I'm not here to judge."

"I feel frustrated, emotionally drained," he admitted. "I said he didn't cheat on me and he didn't physically. But he did emotionally."

"I let my work, my career, my job, get in the way of our relationship, which made him push me away. Then I put up my wall of logic and it all became a vicious circle."

"I appreciate and respect the ownership you're taking. It is important to have a healthy work and life balance, and if one person is working too much, it can leave a partner feeling lonely and neglected. I would also gently point out, however, that emotionally cheating with someone else is not an inevitable consequence of those feelings. It is a choice all its own." Delainey paused, then offered, "I don't wish to press too hard, and if you're not ready to talk of it, please say so, but you mentioned thinking you might be hit, and out of care for you, I'm wondering, how did Finn handle conflict?"

The Vulcan paused for a full minute before responding, "Not well. One of the things that attracted me to him in the first place was that he carried his emotions on his sleeve."

"And he was passionate about things he cared about and in the way he did everything, even in bed. But that same passion made him volatile. As I said he never hit me, though he did shove me once. And he hit the wall in our room once. I had to treat him myself because he didn't want word getting around about what he had done."

These were all classic signs of an abusive relationship, but Carlisle elected not to focus on labels and instead aimed to draw the Vulcan out. "That sounds very stressful... not knowing what reaction you're going to get and having to keep secrets. I'm wondering, did you ever feel comfortable refusing Finn something he wanted and was passionate about?"

The counselor specifically took note of Serran's mention of his sexual relationship with Finn. Sexual coercion within the context of intimate partner abuse was common, but she didn't want to ask such a direct question and risk pushing him beyond where he was comfortable. Carlisle didn't specifically need the details of their sex life to know the relationship was abusive, but she also didn't want to deny him the opportunity to talk about it, as he had brought it up.

"I don't know if I was ever afraid to deny him. I knew short of picking up a phaser there was no way that Finn was going to best me in a physical altercation But, I did go along with him more than once, just to keep things from escalating."

"Go along?" Delainey asked. Of course, she had a sense of what he meant, but she was curious about his perspective. Certainly, the threat of potential physical violence was one reason people reacted the way they did to abuse, but it certainly wasn't the only reason.

"I could see the signs, read his face and body language when he got in one of his moods. I didn't have to be a Vulcan to do that. So, I just let him win arguments. Even when I thought him to be wrong. It was just easier."

"Did that include going along with him sexually even when you didn't want what he wanted?" Carlisle knew she was taking a risk by asking such a deeply personal question, but she also believed Serran had implied as much. Some part of him was obviously willing to open up about the nature of his relationship with Finn, and there could be healing in sharing the truth, even the most intimate aspects.

There was another pause, longer than the first and it looked as though the counselor had been right in her fears. Finally, he spoke. "For the most part, we were compatible. He didn't have to coerce me into trying most things. At least once."

"But."

"We both preferred the...dominant position, we were supposed to take turns in the submissive one. But, he would rarely do so. He almost always had an excuse."

"The thing I found most objectionable was his bringing other people into our bed. Usually other men, but sometimes women. He was not exclusively attracted to men."

"I'm not saying that he cheated, I don't think he did anyway. But, we played together."

Carlisle had a choice to make, and no matter how many times she made it, it didn't get easier. Should she keep asking questions or call it as she saw it? Remembering her earlier worries, she decided on the former option. "You said you found it objectionable to have others in your bed. Am I correct in thinking you didn't want to be intimate with anyone else, but went along to avoid Finn's anger?"

The Vulcan nodded. "That is correct. We had different ideas about intimacy. I was just supposed to go along with the flow, and I did that. Not just to appease his anger, or potential outburst, but to try to keep our relationship together."

Delainey nodded. She was at another crossroads moment, and this time, she was not going to take the easy way out. "I think you showed great patience in the face of what sounds like physical and emotional abuse."

Serran leaned back in his chair steepling his fingers. "There is an old earth saying that patience is a virtue. Assuming that I get into another relationship, I don't intend to be as virtuous."

Despite the seriousness of the discussion, Delainey found herself offering a small smile at the cleverness of his response. She did, however, notice he did not agree or disagree with her choice of words. "I do realize acknowledging one's experience as abuse can elicit some uncomfortable, painful, and even stereotypical images, beliefs, and expectations, but I have found for true healing to occur - to, for example, let go of the blame and shame that at the very least prevents people from thinking they are deserving of another romantic relationship and impacts their ability to connect with others in general, it helps to start with a common understanding. I'm wondering how you feel about my choice of words?"

"I don't think Finn physically abused me. I think I would have drawn a line at that. I think he knew it too. I believe that he might have abandoned me emotionally."

"He cheated, without cheating, if that makes sense."

It wasn't exactly the shared perspective she was hoping for, but he also hadn't completely shut her down or run away either, so that was progress. "Do you mean he enjoyed physical intimacy with other partners and he made it known he preferred them over you?"

Serran shook his head. "Perhaps not preferring them over me as much as not respecting my reluctance to join in and his continual pushing to get his way, ignoring what I thought or desired."

Referring to his earlier assessment, Carlisle offered, "That doesn't sound like emotional abandonment to me. That sounds like intentional cruelty meant to demonstrate power and control."

The Vulcan quirked a brow. "You think so? I'm not saying I deserved what he did. I know that's not the case, but I still feel I could have done something differently. Perhaps been focused on my job less and our relationship more."

"To what end?" Delainey asked gently. "I hear you saying you know you didn't deserve what he did, but at the same time, you're searching for what you could have done differently. Doesn't that suggest some self-blame?"

"I suppose it does. But I can't help but think it. What do I do?"

"It takes time and practice, but I can help you challenge those thoughts with logic and facts. Your struggle isn't caused by a lack of intelligence or a lack of dedication. When feelings and self-worth are involved, it's easy to lose objectivity."

"I would like that Counselor. When would you like to start?"

"I'll have the department yeoman coordinate with you so you can arrange to meet with me when it doesn't interfere with your duties. Thank you for being so open with me today. I'm sure it wasn't easy."

[OFF]

--

LTJG Serran
Operations Manager
USS Galileo-A

LTJG Delainey Carlisle
Chief Counselor
USS Galileo-A

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