Clearing the air

Posted on 09 Mar 2024 @ 8:28pm by Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle & Theo Winters
Edited on on 04 May 2024 @ 6:14pm

2,370 words; about a 12 minute read

Mission: Episode 19 - Tomorrow's Galileo
Location: USS Galileo-A - Counselling Office
Timeline: MD 01, 1430 hours

[ON]

Theo stood in the waiting room. a little anxious. He knew he shouldn't be. He'd spent his share of sessions, especially three years ago, when he had been just a kid. He'd needed the therapy back then. Now, not so much.

But, once again because of Serran's orders, he'd been forced to move. He'd gotten over leaving his girlfriend behind. Mostly. At least that's what he told himself.

There were a few things he did want to talk to the counselor about. Things he didn't want his dad to find out about. If pressed he might even mention the nightmares that he thought were over a year ago, but now were playing through his head at night, at least once a month.

Pacing helped diffuse some of Theo's anxiety. Then he heard a chime and saw a young girl leaving the counselor's office. He stood to his feet, assuming he'd be next.

The young woman, who just so happened to be the department yeoman, approached Theo and offered a gentle smile. "Dr. Carlisle said to come on in whenever you're ready." The young clerk held his gaze for an extra second or two and her smile deepened. This was not the first time she encountered someone who seemed nervous to speak to a counselor, and as always, she wanted to do her part to offer a bit of nonverbal encouragement.

"Thanks," the young teen said. His expression had shifted as she spoke and smiled back. He thought she was attractive, though perhaps a little old for him, he scolded himself for thinking about that at all.

He followed her back to the doctor's exam room. "Hello," he said as he saw the woman he assumed to be the counselor walk toward him.

"Hi," Delainey replied brightly as she walked toward the teen with her hand outstretched. "I'm Delainey." Normally, she made a point to be a bit more reserved, as the vast majority of the time she worked with adults who were, if not comfortable in this space, at least were somewhat familiar with the routine. She didn't mind people referring to her by her first name either, but with adults, she typically waited to see how people approached her before offering the option.

In this case, however, she thought Theo might appreciate a bit less formality right off the bat. Having read his file, she knew he'd been through a lot and thought he might be a bit more comfortable without the formality. No matter how familiar Theo might have been with Starfleet vessels and protocols, Carlisle didn't want to create pressure for him to behave as anyone but who he was, a young teen.

"Hey, Delainey," he replied. He was sitting back in his chair. His posture wasn't rigid, but it was by no means relaxed either.

"Sooooo, whatever we discuss here stays between us right? I mean assuming I'm not a threat to myself or others right? Which I'm not by the way."

"That's good to hear," Carlisle replied, appreciating his forthrightness as well as his interest in understanding the ground rules. "Yes, the safety of yourself and the safety of others are two of the primary reasons any counselor can share what would normally be kept confidential between us, but I should also mention that as a minor, your guardian is entitled to be kept in the loop about anything that could propose any sort of risks to you or others. That said," the counselor assured, "if you were to share with me something I felt your guardian should know, you and I would work together to find the best way to share this information. I wouldn't simply break your confidence."

"Okayyyyy, " the teen started. "There are probably a few things that I want to talk about, but the one that is most important right now is that I'm feeling, I don't know, confused?"

"So, back at our last posting Deep Space Six, I had a girlfriend. Her name was Molly. Soren, dad, asked if we were physical I told him the only thing we had done was kiss. But that isn't true. We'd done more than that. I guess technically we're still virgins because we haven't fu... had intercourse, but I lied to him about that. Which kind of makes me feel guilty because he and I have a good relationship and I don't like lying to him. But still, there are some things a guy doesn't want his parent to know."

"Anyway, that's not the confusing part. Not really anyway."

"My best friend on the station is Ren. He's Andorian. He's a couple of years older than me and he had a girlfriend too. Actually multiple ones. He slept around. A lot. And he hasn't been a virgin for a long time."

"He is also kind of a prankster and we got in trouble together a few times. It was mostly just harmless stuff, nothing serious at all. But then a few weeks before we left, he did something stupid and we had to be rescued from some Orion pirates. Dad wasn't happy about that at all."

"Then just a day or two before we were transferred, he came to help me pack my stuff. He told me that he liked me and always had. I was cool with that and told him I liked him back."

"Then he said he really liked me. I told him, he was my best friend and I really liked him too."

"Then said, not best friend kind of like and he kissed me."

"I'm not sure how I feel about that. About him. About me."

"And not being sure about how you feel isn't okay?" Delainey asked gently. She had briefly wondered if her clarification about confidentiality would cause him to hold back, but she was glad it hadn't. "To clarify, I'm not trying to be sarcastic with the question."

"It's not the worst thing in the world, I suppose. But I would like to know. Not knowing makes me feel, I don't know unsettled."

"I mean Serran, uh, my dad knew he was gay since he before he was a teenager. Other people know they're straight. I don't know what I am. I mean I thought I did, but I don't And yeah it does kind of bother me."

Carlisle nodded, taking a moment to contemplate Theo's words. "I'm wondering...are you bothered because you don't know what you are or because others have figured it out and you haven't?" She wondered, was the issue feeling left behind, unsure, or some combination of both?"

"I think I'm more bothered because I don't know. I mean when he kissed me it felt perfect and horribly wrong at the same time. And I mean horribly wrong for me and not anyone else. I wanted him to stop and I thought about what it would be like to do more."

" I don't know what to think or feel, and I should know at least that about myself."

Carlisle was professionally attuned to the word 'should ' in any person's vocabulary. It usually suggested a belief or a series of beliefs that were getting in the way of someone's self-esteem or happiness. "Let's say for the sake of argument I agree with you - you should be certain about your own sexuality. What does it mean or suggest about you or the situation that you don't know? In other words, if you don't know this with certainty about yourself, what does that mean to you?"

The youth leaned forward in his seat, his hands on his knees. It means that I'm, I'm not sure the right word, incomplete? I thought at least that part of my life I had sorted out, that was a known quantity. Now, it's just one more thing I have to deal with."

"Let's stay with the thought you were incomplete for a second," the counselor suggested. "If we accept it's true that you are incomplete, what does that mean?"

"It means that I'm missing something. I'm not saying that someone's sexual identity should be the main focus of their life, but it's pretty important, even if they're not having sex with anyone, just their imagination, and you know, a hand."

"But it is a part, a significant part and not knowing means I don't know enough about me, to be me."

"Does that sound weird?"

Theo had identified what Carlisle had been trying to uncover with her questioning - ultimately, he didn't believe he could be himself without being certain about his sexuality. Delaney was sure there were additional core beliefs to uncover, but for now, she wanted to offer reassurance. She was pleased he felt comfortable being so open with her, and his reference to self pleasure made her chuckle inwardly.

She was also reminded of Theo's age, however, and she wanted to keep that in mind when offering guidance. It wouldn't prevent her from speaking truthfully, but she also wanted to avoid subtly reinforcing any belief on his part that he should be more mature than he was.

"Not at all," Delainey replied. "I think with any experiences we take in, we're constantly asking ourselves how it fits into our understanding of what we already believe to be true about ourselves, the universe, and others. You've had some recent experiences that bring these big questions about who you are to the forefront of your mind, and I think it's natural to want to be prepared for any similar experiences going forward. The question I might ask is, 'Is this an answer that requires a bit more time and experience to become clear?' In other words, why the added pressure to know now? Could the not knowing a significant part of who you are simply mean not knowing who you are 'yet'?"

"I guess that's true," the teen admitted leaning forward, maybe I do need some time. Or maybe I don't know I'm fluid and will always be fluid."

"I meant fluid in who I want to love, not fluid in my gender. I like my body just like it is and I was born a guy and am a guy. Not judging others in any way, but I'm just clarifying."

"Still, it bothers me that I don't know. I like math and am pretty good at it. If I have a problem I can't figure out it bugs me and I want to work on it until I have the answer."

"I know math and sex aren't the same thing, but I kinda feel like the principle is."

"Maybe we aren't talking about two different things," the counselor suggested. "Just like math, perhaps it takes time and practice to find the right answer when it comes to sex. Remember, there was a time when you didn't understand math either." Carlisle smiled, then said, "For the record, I'm not suggesting you go around making out with all the people you're attracted to and I also wanted to point out it's OK to feel conflicted, especially when someone does something to you, with you, you weren't expecting and didn't consent to."

Theo had been about to reply before he fully heard what the counselor had said, but he paused.

"You mean Ren? Yeah, I guess I didn't consent to the kiss. But, it was just a kiss. It's not like I told him no and he kept going."

Delainey nodded. "I get that. Without meaning to sound ancient, I guess all I'm trying to say is, we all have the right to decide who touches us in whatever way, and the people worth knowing will understand and respect that."

"You don't sound ancient," Theo opined. "I mean I get what you're saying. Consent is important. But if I had wanted him to stop, I think he would have."

"Do you think he knew that I'd be okay with it? Was I sending signals without knowing about it?"

"No," Delainey answered unequivocally. She wasn't someone who shared her opinion often in a counseling session, especially with an adolescent, but she didn't want Theo believing he should substitute someone else's judgment for his own, particularly someone whose judgment was not exactly objective. "I think people do things at least in part because they're trying to get their own needs and desires met. I think he kissed you because he wanted to kiss you. I think it's OK for you to take time to figure out what you want."

"Yeah, I guess he did kiss me all on his own. As much as I'd like to know how I am. Or at least know who I am when it comes to sexuality, I guess I do just need some time."

"Just so you know, I would never do that. Kiss someone or anything along those lines without talking to them first."

Delainey grinned. "I didn't think you would, but it's good to hear it all the same. There's nothing childish about taking your time with sex or valuing people who respect you at the most basic level, like with touch."

"The sad thing is I think I'll have all the time in the world to figure things out because I haven't met anyone my age here."

Carlisle nodded sympathetically. "Sex aside, I imagine it is hard not to have other people to talk to you that are your age."

Theo nodded. "Serran is there for me which not everyone has. And he's a pretty good dad, especially for someone who has never done it before, and who only came into my life a few years ago. But it's not the same. Plus there are some things a kid doesn't want to talk about with their parents."

"Do you have kids?"

Carlisle shook her head. "I don't, though I would like to someday. I guess I just always figured I needed to find someone to have kids with, but that's not true, is it?"

"No, it doesn't and I think you'd make a great mom."

[OFF]

--

Theo Winters
Crew Family
USS Galileo-A
[PNPC Serran]

Lt.(jg) Delainey Carlisle
Chief Counselor
USS Galileo-A

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