Confident
Posted on 17 Oct 2023 @ 11:34am by Commander Morgan Tarin & Lieutenant JG Karras
2,705 words; about a 14 minute read
Mission:
Episode 18 - Cold Station 31
Location: Regula I - Level 16, Senior Office Module; USS Galileo-A - Deck 3, Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD 18, 1105; MD 19, 0530
[ON]
Two-and-a-half days of starship repairs and logistics resupplying had produced a rather overwhelming influx of detailed engineering and operations reports for Galileo's new official captain. Morgan had found herself far from a celebratory mood over the last 24 hours and instead spent most of her waking time tucked away in her small office aboard Regula I reviewing and signing off on new PADDs as they arrived via her Trill yeoman. She'd so far managed to make a sizable dent in the pending paperwork, and with a systems test scheduled to occur the following morning, she was hyper-focused on completing the task at hand before she became further distracted. Which apparently was fated to happen sooner rather than later when her commbadge suddenly chirped.
"Karras to Tarin. I know it's been a busy day, but I just wanted to remind you of our session in 15 minutes."
The captain bit her bottom lip then tossed the PADD in her hands back on top of the large pending stack before silently cursing the interruption of her administrative work. Out of all the current priorities on her list, this appointment had fallen below her conscious schedule. She tapped her commbadge to reply, "Karras this is Tarin. Can we reschedule for 0530 tomorrow morning?"
"Not a problem. See you in my office tomorrow morning."
A soft inaudible sigh of relief accompanied her curt reply. "Tomorrow morning. Tarin out." she confirmed. The counselor's accommodation of her schedule was most welcome and a prudent decision for both of their sakes. Pushing the thought of her pending counseling appointment from her mind, she stood to procure a glass of water from the replicator then returned back to her chair where she retrieved the PADD she'd been reading.
Karras sat at his desk in the counselor's office on Deck 3 and continued to simply breathe. His last meeting with the captain had gotten out of hand, and he was determined to prevent that from happening again. This session was about her well-being, not any of his personal issues with her or Starfleet in general. For this reason he had dressed casually instead of in the standard uniform. He wore an oversized cream sweater, with tan pants and neutral sandals. It was a calculated risk: on one hand, he had never met anyone who was more of a stickler for formality than Tarin. On the other? Dressing down was an accepted option for ship's counselors when on duty in their offices. In general, it created a more neutral environment where patients could leave rank at the door and allow themselves to open up.
It was this second reaction he was hoping for as he heard the door chime promptly at 0530 hours. He stood and moved over to the door to greet her, cheerfully calling out "Come in!" once he was in place.
The door swished open and presented an unorthodox version of Galileo's new captain in all of her athletic glory. The tall commander wore only a tight gray tank-top accompanied by black leggings and running shoes, all of which were damp with sweat. Perspiration covered her neck, bare arms and the top of her exposed chest while she wiped her face with a small exercise towel. A small gym bag was slung over her shoulder which she slowly dropped into her hand upon seeing the counselor. "Mister Karras," she greeted while stepping inside the small counseling office in the early hours of the morning.
"Good morning, Captain," Karras greeted, unsurprised to see she had been up and exercising already. "Can I get you some water?" He began to move towards the replicator that engineering had managed to repair on top of everything else. "Actually, I can order up some breakfast if you're hungry?"
"Water, please." She was hungry and appreciated the offer for a full meal but didn't feel it was appropriate to eat during a formal counseling evaluation. She had plans to visit the mess hall later before her shift but for now, she suppressed the feeling. Tarin found the nearby chair and took a seat.
Karras nodded and was soon at her side, handing off a tall class of cold water. He'd ordered a coffee for himself, and he settled into the comfy chair across from Tarin.
"Thank you for making time for this appointment," he began. "Today will mostly be me asking you a series of questions in order to complete your annual assessment. If anything should come up that you wish to explore further, we can set up another session to follow up. However, if we hit on anything particularly deep or triggering, something you need to just get off your chest, we can focus there and resume the assessment another time. Okay?"
"You can start," Tarin answered after downing half the glass of water he'd just handed her. This wasn't her first encounter with annual mental evaluations nor would it be her last. She found them undesirable yet also understood their necessity which always formed a conundrum in her head. Hopefully this one would be brief and stay on-topic.
Karras sipped his coffee, then set it aside to pick up a PADD. "How have you been sleeping?"
She lightly shrugged with little concern. "Well enough." Her work days were long but she was used to the daily routine. When she was actually afforded the opportunity to rest, however, she slept like a content child. Or so she perceived.
"How about your appetite over the past few weeks? Have your eating habits changed in any way?" he asked, making a brief note.
"No...aside from sampling young Saalm's mess hall creations," Tarin honestly answered. "There's a little to be desired from her cooking techniques but she shows promise. I'm confident several more months of experience as a sous chef will yield improvements."
Karras nodded, agreeing with her assessment of Saalm's cooking but saying nothing out loud in order to keep the focus on what Tarin was thinking. "Could you tell me about any times over the past few months that you’ve been bothered by low feelings, stress, or sadness?"
She frowned while holding his hazel eyes for a short moment. "You must be joking?" When she realized he was in fact being serious, her eyes slightly rolled. "Counselor, the life a commanding officer involves constant stress. Especially when undertaking a temporary assignment with a new crew to execute a classified, high-priority mission from Starfleet Command."
"And how do you manage that stress?" Karras asked, his voice even. "Especially now that your temporary assignment has become permanent?"
Tarin simply looked down to her sweat-soaked self then back up to Karras in reply as if it were obvious. "Healthy body, healthy mind and healthy soul."
The counselor knew from experience how much time she devoted to physical fitness, so that answer was more than sufficient. "Tell me about how confident you've been feeling in your abilities lately."
Confident? The captain didn't know how to reply to that and it showed as her eyes drifted to the carpet then around the room in search of an immediate answer. "I have no shortage of confidence, lieutenant. I've never felt anything less than confident since I was a senior cadet on my first tour." It was the truth but maybe she was missing a key element of what confidence meant. Maybe in relation to her new assignment. "My confidence in Galileo however, isn't as strong."
"How so?" Karras asked, his face as placid as the lake near his home village.
She scratched the bottom of her chin in thought before opening her palms to explain. "Well, the ship itself is certainly fine. The Mark II Nova-classes are well-designed and Starfleet could unquestionably benefit from more short range survey vessels exploring the sector." She lightly shook her head. "But a starship is only as proficient as its crew."
Karras had known this would come up, that it needed to come up. He knew he would hear things a part of him would want to refute, but he knew this was not the time. Morgan (it was helping to him to think of her by her first name) needed to feel free to express her truth.
"Go on," he invited.
"Galileo is a science vessel with a scientifically-minded crew." She stated the obvious as if her issues were somehow telepathically evident to him. "The standards of conduct the crew displayed during my temporary assignment here were," she paused to consider the correct word, "lacking. Too much alcohol consumption leading to deficiencies in proper rest, aversion to physical activities and training, stubborn-mindedness from some of the senior officers," she rattled off, "bigotry and violent tendencies from one of the junior officers..." There was a brief pause when she looked down at her long fingers before clasping them together. "An overall lack of professionalism."
The counselor nodded. She certainly was not wrong on some of those points, at least. Correction: as these were her observations and impressions, they were neither wrong nor right. They simply were. "How do you feel you did addressing these concerns of professionalism? Um, the lack thereof, I mean."
"I..." She pondered the question with a heavy dose of self-reflection. As much as was possible for her. "I've tried and I'll keep trying," was her answer which was spoken with the tonality of conviction. "I was groomed as a Command officer aboard starships with captains and operational procedures much more stringent than Galileo. It's all I've know. This new ship and crew dynamic is hard to understand. Hard to break through."
Karras nodded in agreement with her observation, despite the intention to stay neutral. He was impressed at her candor. "And how supported have you felt during all this?"
Her hazel eyes narrowed with private judgement at the way in which his question poked deep into the heart of her feelings. "What are you asking me, Mister Karras? If I - a new captain - gained the trust and confidence of this crew over just three weeks?" There were budding traces of anger and resentment in her dry voice. "Or if the senior officers have voluntarily approached me for guidance?" she privately lamented with deep and complex internal feelings coursing through her mind. Morgan shook her head. "Aside from a handful of officers, I haven't received much support."
"I was only asking you how supported you felt, Captain," Karras affirmed. "It is a standard question for these assessments, helping you to gauge your support system and see if that is an area that may need some focus. Based on the answer provided, this is something I will suggest we explore in another session." He began to make a quick note on his PADD, before pausing. "Unless you feel you have more to say on the subject now. If so, please continue."
She rolled her eyes at the youthful-appearing Ba'ku man. "You asked me a question and I answered. I don't want to talk about it any further right now. Change takes time; ask me again in three months."
Karras tilted his head, as if trying to convey an approach from f a different angle. "The issue of support isn't a judgement, Captain. Of course it is something that takes time... but it isn't something that can be done alone. I really would like to schedule a follow up within the next week or two where we can strategize ways to build your support system - I think it would be beneficial for your over-all health and well being."
He quickly continued before she could demure. "I also want to clarify that this suggested follow up is just that - a suggestion. It's not going to be an order." He sat up straight, his hands in his lap. "When we spoke a few days ago, I... well, I need to apologize. When you called me in to discuss the transfer request, I was angry... very angry. And despite my commitment to nonviolence? I was looking for a fight. You gave me the opportunity."
He sighed, resisting the urge to avert his eyes. "The thing is, although I believe I had some valid concerns that came up in the conversation, they came up colored by anger. That was a disservice to you, and to me. The truth of that matter is that I was.... and still am, actually, very angry with Starfleet. The secrecy surrounding the cold station... I find that it was unnecessary and infuriating. People died. I had believed the plan to abduct my race had been an outlier, but now? I don't know..."
It seemed it was Morgan's turn to become the counselor. The words and sentiment Karras were expressing weren't new nor were they devoid of merit. His admission of his own emotional struggles was certainly not easy to come to terms with and it was probably even harder for him to confess those to her. She inhaled a deep breath then exhaled while crossing one of her long legs over the other in a rare casual gesture. "The Federation - and Starfleet - aren't perfect, counselor. We make mistakes; sometimes egregious ones. I sympathize with how you feel and it'd be a lie to say I've never felt the same way at least once in my career," she confessed.
Glancing down at her fingertips, she tried to give some semblance of counsel. "Starfleet's agreement with the Son'a to relocate the Ba'ku was wrong and orchestrated by a rogue admiral. Dougherty was a flawed man, deeply so." She looked back up into his hazel irises. "But I hope...Captain Picard and Enterprise's intervention showed your world that we hold our people accountable. That we stand by our ideals and attempt to rectify our mistakes. I like to think you wouldn't be here serving aboard one of our starships if you truly didn't believe this? You have every right to be angry at Starfleet and me, but if you accept Starfleet's mission statement, then know what we discovered on that cold station will be addressed."
Karras was silent for a bit, absorbing both what he had admitted along with Tarin's response. "Thank you for your words, Captain... I'll admit, I'd lost my belief, and in truth was prepared to resign my commission." He let out a small sigh that appeared to relax his entire body. "But I think you just helped me put that in perspective. I mean, the Enterprise crew had given me faith once before. Maybe it's because I was so shaken up be what we... what I saw over there, that I couldn't see that Galileo was doing the same thing. Discovering a wrong and working to address it."
A tear ran down the left side of his cheek as something inside clicked. It wasn't some magical, perfect fix to his inner turmoil, but whatever it was, it was healthy. Healing.
Wiping his face, he resumed a professional posture and returned to the evaluation. "Sorry, um... all right. There are a few more formal questions, but in all honesty, I can say you are good to go for your annual. I am not ordering any follow ups, but I'd hope you consider taking me up on at least one or two in the next few weeks. Speaking from experience, they can be unexpectedly helpful." He blushed a bit, embarrassed his own trauma had come up in her session, but hopeful she'd see the benefit.
She watched him wear his emotions on his sleeve, almost literally. This time, there was no judgement in her hazel eyes; no expectation of formal conduct or concern about his ability to do his duty. Tarin had experienced a similar 'crisis of faith' many years prior, and she was sure most officers and NCOs did at some point in their careers. "Since you insist, I'll come visit you next week," she gave him a small, rare smile and subtle chin nod. "Maybe you and I can discuss the finer points of ethical science while we're at it."
[OFF]
--
CMDR Morgan Tarin
Commanding Officer
USS Galileo-A
LTJG Karras
Counselor
USS Galileo-A
[PNPC Fynn]
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