Replacements (Part 1)

Posted on 10 Nov 2012 @ 2:24pm by Lieutenant Kiri Cho & Commander Scarlet Blake

3,734 words; about a 19 minute read

Mission: Episode 02 - Resupply
Location: USS Galileo, Deck 3, Counsellor's Office
Timeline: MD2 1600

[ON]

Kiri was confused, she was upset. Brayden was someone she trusted, someone she liked, someone she really wanted to spend time with. He was someone she showed her weaknesses to, she cried in front of him. There wasn't a person in the universe she would ever consider crying in front of, yet he didn't seem to mind. He had helped her, he, he wasn't her Counsellor any more.

She felt a numb loss that didn't resonate with anything else she'd known. The person she felt closest to, it felt like he had rejected her. That was the one thing she was really the most scared of. It happened. She didn't know the details, she didn't know why, she didn't ask if it was a mistake or a problem. Her assumption was he didn't want to see her, or talk to her or anything. He had said he couldn't be her friend, he had taken her to breakfast, but something must have happened. She thought he cared, if he did wouldn't he have told her why and what was happening? Her insides hurt, they had done since she'd discovered the change that morning. She wanted to be sick.

Like normal her pace was quick, making quick time down the corridor. Her hair was tied in a low pony tail that ran down her back, her uniform prim. Kiri's eyes gave away what her neutral expression hid, a sorrow that had only slightly improved since she was in tears in that office. The self discovery that she was at fault for her problems. Her lack of social equipment because she was scared, that she had hid herself in work almost all her life rather than actually confront them. That she had missed out on so much and that getting it back seemed hopeless. Friends were something she wanted now, someone to be close to, someone to tell her they liked her as she was. Not something to work towards, something to happen right away. Something Brayden said was impossible, but she tried. She'd spent time with Mor'an, invited to something with Ensign Rice and had a drink with Ensign Rhodes. Kohl had been lovely, finding out about her birthday, replicating a cake, presents from the medical department, being nicer than anyone else. Then there was Mor'an someone she could almost call a friend, yet someone she still couldn't physically be close to. Someone she could be open with, the closest that came to that was Brayden, no one else in the universe come that close, not even her mother.

All of this was heavy on her mind, realising with a start that she had reached her destination. With far more nerves than when she first met Brayden, now she was even more wary of rejection and disappointment, that this woman wouldn't like her. A shaking hand reached for the door chime, but she remained silent, somehow hopeful there was no one there.

"Come in," Scarlet called out with a soft voice, taking in the last line on the padd before tossing it gently onto the desk. She had been expecting the other officer and she'd read through the last files left, and remembered what Brayden had said. There was a pot of tea already brewing, and if the other woman didn't want any, Scarlet would definitely drink. She smiled, moving out from behind the desk quickly. It wasn't the place to conduct business in counselling. "You must be Ensign Cho. I'm Counsellor Scarlet Blake, it's good to meet you," she moved to her, closing the gap between them.

Kiri at first started to shrink back as the woman walked towards her before forcing herself forward a few steps. Hands held together at her lap Kiri looked nervously around the room before meeting the other woman's eyes. Her voice carried more than a hint of how turned about and upset she felt, "Yes, it's good to meet you as well." It was something forced but Kiri did her best to hide it. Despite how much progress she had made, the person she counted as her best friend was gone, rational or not part of her blamed the woman in front of her.

Scarlet tilted her head gently as she watched her, taking her in, how she stood, how she moved, how she spoke. It didn't need a telepath to tell just how uncomfortable she was. "Why don't you come and sit with me? I've got some tea ready if you like," she moved to sit on the sofa, leaning to pour out the tea and leaving Kiri to make the move over to the seating area herself, not wanting to crowd her. By looking at the tea, it also allowed the other woman a moment or two to compose herself too, without being watched. "I understand that you were Lieutenant White's patient?" she asked it as a question, even though she knew it to be true.

Kiri nodded her head and complied, gingerly walking to the sofa and taking a seat just on the edge on the far side of the other woman. Placing her hands neatly in her lap Kiri sat upright, knees tucked together and her eyes fixed on watching the tea being poured. It seemed that most counsellors did something similar. Brayden offered her drinks, there was also the bowl of mango chunks that he always seemed to have ready. Kiri was about to reply about the tea when the other question cut across her, reminding her of the biggest of her woes. Sounding slightly dejected she answered, "Yes, I was." Thinking twice than asking about the change she went back to the first question, "Could I have, some milky tea?" Like always she took great care to consider the meaning behind what she was being asked, still finding nothing at all she went with the safety answer, saying yes.

"Of course, there's sugar too if you like," Scarlet slid the tray closer to her to so she could help herself rather than doing it for her. She smiled, resting back with her own cup, sipping it gently to appreciate the fragrance while still hot. "Brayden spoke fondly about you. I hope we can work well together, as you two did," she began, letting it ease them into business.

Taking the hint Kiri lent forward slightly, pouring just over half a cup of tea for herself before filling the rest with milk. Looking carefully at the light brown drink as she sat back up Kiri openly showed her discomfort for a second before returning to her normal slightly silted mask. It would be nice if she could be that open with this woman, but. Part of her didn't want to be, scared that she would leave as well. Kiri's trust was damaged, it also seemed easier for her to talk to a man about the age of her father than a woman who wasn't too much older than her. Overall it felt like a mess, "I, would like that." There was progress for her socially but Brayden was a big blow, it shook her faith in how secure her relationships all were.

Scarlet nodded at the words, smiling gently, as if appreciating the chance. She sipped her tea, giving Kiri the chance to just relax and
get used to the environment. "So why don't we start with you telling me how you've been getting on recently?" she finally asked, resting back against the back of the sofa in an easy fashion. It was an obvious starter, but an important one all the same.

Kiri looked slightly confused at her, that was rather vague. Since she last talked to Brayden, a lot had happened. Mostly she could count it successful, "I, I've tried to be more social, I think its working." Her hands started to twist in place, "I'm not sure though." The uncertainty was clear, both in how much it was working and how much she wanted to talk about it.

"Not sure about what?" Scarlet urged gently, watching her with an even gaze and a small smile, setting the cup down lightly.

Fighting to stop herself squirming more Kiri frowned at herself, not really wanting to talk about it in this direction, "That people like me." Looking at it scientifically as she did, there was only tangential evidence and Kiri didn't have a wealth of experience. She was looking for a sort of clear cut acceptance of her that might not exist anywhere other than her own head. No one other than Brayden had flat out said they thought she was a nice person. Well, Kohl had.

"Why would you think people don't like you?" Scarlet asked with a slight frown, leaning forward a little as she rested her elbow on her knee and her chin on her hand, her head tilted slightly as she met her eyes.

The squirming became more pronounced now, "I, know I shouldn't," Glancing at the floor before asking the woman's eyes again, "But there is a lack of evidence, and it would explain some things, maybe." Kiri was stuck in two minds now, while really she knew that there could be lots of other reasons. Mostly it was an outlet of her frustrations first brought up with Brayden. She didn't want to slowly make friends, she wanted friends now. Being told this was impossible was hard to accept, that there must be some other reason for that, the obvious one is that there was something wrong with her. Even if people were doing nice things for her, that didn't mean they liked her did it?

"What things?" Scarlet asked softly, shaking her head gently as she smiled. "If you can explain your evidence, then perhaps we can make some sense of it, let it become clearer."

Kiri was already grasping at straws, she didn't know what she didn't have. It felt like she was being pressured, forced into this line of enquiry, still she tried to meet the other woman's look, somewhat reluctantly. "I, don't really know. I don't want, I don't," Stopping Kiri closed her eyes, the feeling she had didn't turn into words, "People, haven't said they like me." Her own lack of self confidence was the main cause of her concern, not being used to meeting new people didn't help. The one person that had flat out said so, he didn't want to be her Counsellor. How could she not take that personally?

Scarlet watched her, gently before smiling softly. "Have you told people that you like them?"

Stopping dead in her tracks Kiri looked rather surprised, turning to guilt, "I, I told Ensign Kohl," Mostly, she hadn't used the word like but nice, other compliments. There wasn't anyone else she had said something like that about, she should have done, they might feel as bad a she did. It was so stupid, "Sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry," Scarlet shook her head quickly, watching with a soft smile, leaning forward a little to her. "I suppose what I was trying to point out is, it's not an entirely natural thing, for people to out and out tell each other that they like each other. Sometimes we might use other phrases, but mostly, it's one of those things that's assumed knowledge. A person will tend to assume someone already knows they like them, by the fact they spend time with them. Interact with them. Do kindnesses for them. So just because someone has come out and said it so bluntly, it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't like you."

Part of her knew that but, Kiri wasn't that confident. To assume that other people liked her was also counter to her approach in life, that everything needed evidence, there could be no assumptions. She also believed that she had far more of a problem than she did. There was a disconnect that she felt, between how she saw interactions people had and the ones she had with people. Everyone else made it easy, hers were hard and really, she didn't enjoy them, some of them. Not as much as she felt she should, she didn't dislike them but, it was silly. She spent too much time worrying to really find pleasure in them. Pursing her lips Kiri lowered her eyes, "I see," To complain about that was useless, even childish. She'd like them to tell her things like that. Words failed her as she looked into her tea, all she wanted right now was complain about things. That wasn't fair to the woman that was giving time to her.

"You see what?" Scarlet asked delicately, but with a small smile. 'I see' was what Scarlet referred to as a 'stock' response, a phrase kept in stock to insert in place of a real reply. "You don't have to be tight lipped in here. If anything, this is the place where it can all safely come out."

Kiri had tried that, she'd found herself torn open by Brayden and her feelings fall out all over the place. She'd been honest, she'd cried, he was now gone. It wasn't something she wanted to go though again with an entirely new person. Locking herself down on a topic she didn't really want to talk about Kiri answered, "I see what you mean, but there is still a lack of evidence." The woman looked rather glum at Scarlet, forgetting about the cup of tea in her hands.

"Hm," Scarlet said thoughtfully, nodding as she thought it through. "Seeing as you're a woman of evidence, and find it difficult to believe people might like you because of lack of evidence, let's talk about the 'evidence' you have that they don't like you," she suggested softly. "I am guessing if you can't believe something without evidence then you must feel you have evidence to believe that they don't like you? We've talked through their not saying it bluntly out loud, so we can cross that off the list, realising it's just not natural interaction. Perhaps we can work through this methodically."

She wanted to talk about that subject even more, her expression shifting more towards miserable tears, "I, well. The captain shouted at me because I couldn't solve a problem. Ensign Rhodes won't sit in the same room as me for more than ten minutes. Brayden doesn't want to be my," Kiri looked extremely guilty and stopped that sentence, "Most people on the ship don't talk to me, or at the academy." The latter was her own fault for rejecting everyone but right now she didn't see it that way. That if someone actually wanted to be around her, they'd have tried anyway wouldn't they?

"Okay," Scarlet nodded with a smile, encouraging this output, and neither validating or arguing against the points made for now. "So let's look at the other side. I want you to think about all the evidence you have seen that would show that people do like you. Things like spending time with you, making an effort for you, speaking with you. I am sure there must be some, so I'll give you piece of evidence number one. I like you, I certainly haven't seen anything I would dislike about you, and I would like to get to know you more. So there's number one, you take me onto piece of evidence number two. And really think about it, don't just answer without thinking, I want you to think about the nicer things people have said and done and tell me about them."

By nature Kiri wasn't a pessimist. She had already gone over all this in her head before coming to the conclusion she did. The evidence was so heavily stacked against the likelihood of people liking her there were only a few points to give. There was no need to think about it, "Ensign Kohl replicated me a birthday cake, the medical staff gave me some nice messages, but they don't know me." The same applied to the woman sat in front of her right now. Kiri hadn't said very much to her, the didn't know each other. Right now Kiri didn't trust Ensign Blake to tell her the truth. Her defences bolstered to protect her from a repeat of the loss of Brayden, Kiri felt he had lied to her.

Focused so much on the events she was putting forwards, Kiri didn't notice a bitterness that started to creep into her, "Cadet Mor'an said she would be interested in spending time with me, she sat with me a while." Kiri started to fiddle slightly with the cup of tea, "Commander Holliday said nice things about my piloting." All of these were positives about interaction, at the very best though they were mild circumstantial evidence that people might like her, at least aspects of her, or they pretended to, to be polite. There was almost nothing firm other than what Kohl had done, even that could be questioned to ulterior motives, though Kiri thought that would be rather odd, though she hoped it was possible. There was far more plausible evidence that people didn't like her. Biting her lip she blinked, "I think that is it." There were others but they were even less reliable, there was no evidence of positives from them.

"Well, I think we have to discount one piece of evidence from your first list. Captain's shout at a lot of people, and it's always just professional, it doesn't mean anything personal. Trust me," Scarlet chuckled, shaking her head. "And if Brayden could still be around for you, he would be. He liked you a lot. He told me so. So, weighing it up, I count that as two pieces of evidence on your not being liked list, to five on the list for people liking you. I'd say those are pretty good odds, Kiri," she smiled warmly to her holding her eyes. "And you know, just because people seem busy or don't outwardly say things, it doesn't mean they don't like you. A ship can be busy, you get focussed on your work, you don't think. And I'm sure there's plenty of times you've thought something but not said it directly to someone else. What do you think about that?"

Kiri felt patronised, she was frustrated. The captain had acted as if she didn't like her, Kiri had been in that room. As for Brayden, he didn't speak to her about it. Kiri too was told he liked her, yet he was gone. She felt forced into this situation, she felt angry. That scared Kiri more than anything else right now, it was extremely rare. She disagreed with Ensign Blake but didn't want to argue, or try and explain. Shoulders sinking the girls tone dropped slightly, "Can, we talk, about something else?"

"If you'd like to," Scarlet smiled gently as she sat back. She wouldn't push it, sometimes people needed a chance to let it sink in by themselves. Kiri presented herself as a logical person, however, when challenged that the logic didn't stack up, she'd clammed up.

Scarlet's mind was drawn to an old Earth novel, a detective series, and a quote about how a detective had to make sure he let the facts guide him to the right conclusion, and not twist the facts to make them fit a predetermined conclusion. It seemed Kiri was doing that. It seemed as if she'd already made her mind up her mind that people didn't like her and was grasping for the facts that suited her theory, rather than looking at the whole picture and letting that guide her to a more balanced theory.

So, if that was true, the question would be, why was Kiri so determined of her theory that people didn't like her? That, however, would have to be approached slowly and delicately. "Although, I'd be interested to know why you want to change subject?"

Kiri was stuck in a very uncomfortable place, she didn't want to be here any more. Brayden had helped, whether she was more receptive then or something else, this didn't seem to. Closing her eyes Kiri felt sick again, her skin getting clammy as she felt the words come, "I don't, want to argue." A different topic wouldn't be so personal, that someone who didn't know her was trying to tell her she was wrong. Even though she at looked at all the evidence she had. What she wanted to have was to have everyone to tell her how they felt, but it was childish, not even a factor in reality. There was so much going inside her head that she was getting lost.

"Disagreeing with me isn't arguing," Scarlet assured softly, shaking her head as she leant back against the sofa. "In fact, if you disagree, I'd rather hear it. It will help me understand what you're thinking. But it's alright, we can drop it if you don't want to talk about it," Scarlet folded her legs gently, resting the elbow of her arm on the back of the sofa as she thought for a few moments. "How proactive are you about creating friendships and spending time with other people?" she asked, clearly considering some options.

Kiri did disagree, she had tried to explain and didn't know how to do it better. It wasn't a good place to be but she felt that the Counsellor was completely wrong, that it would be an argument like she had with doctor Pola. The change of subject was something she could latch onto, the tea was also getting cold. Nervously taking a sip Kiri bit her lip, "I, don't know." There was no reference, going by the events that happened, "Not very." Stacking up all her interactions again Kiri tried to explain, "I was forward with Master Warrant Officer Peers, she hasn't spoken to me since then." All the other events that had happened, "On my other ten interactions, I reciprocated their advances, I think. But, I'm only sort of friends with one or two so far." This made her furrow her brow, friends were something to her that were easy to make in requirements. The problem was being able to talk openly with her friends and letting them close to her.

[TBC]

--------------

Ensign Kiri Cho
Assistant Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo

Ensign Scarlet Blake
Counsellor
USS Galileo

RSS Feed