All The Best Hiding Places Are Taken

Posted on 04 Oct 2012 @ 7:27pm by Lieutenant Lilou Zaren & Lieutenant Commander Pola Ni Dhuinn M.D.

2,188 words; about a 11 minute read

Mission: Episode 01 - Project Sienna
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 4, Planetary Development Lab
Timeline: MD10 - 1200 hrs

[ON]

Lilou hadn't so much grabbed a few spare minutes as been ordered officially to take a break. She'd only slept about four hours in the previous two days and she'd missed two meals in a row, leaving her stomach grumbling irritably. Still, she couldn't leave them hanging; it was all hands on deck organizing the repairs and upgrades on the already damaged Galileo. Even with plans in motion and work being done, she wasn't confident that Sienna would work, wouldn't just overload Galileo's overwrought systems... She huddled in the Planetary Development Lab and took a huge bite of her black bean burger. She could have gone back to her quarters, true, but she was a coward. If Lamar was there for some reason, he'd probably want to talk to her. Or worse, want her to talk again. And she'd said enough. More than enough. She'd given him the clearest explanation she could about why she was the way she was. He'd stayed. She didn't need for him to tell her again that her fears were unfounded. Even after she'd explained, he didn't understand. She didn't know how to make him. She wasn't sure why she wanted him to. Lonely. Stupid. Exhausted. She rested her head against the side of a lab counter and chewed thoughtfully.

Pola wasn't exactly sure why she'd ended up where she had. She'd felt suffocated in sickbay, the CO was still unconcious and there was nothing more that they could do. There was still patients to be looked after, but they were on going cases who just needed to be watched. She'd felt claustrophobic, if she hadn't gotten out when she did she wasn't sure what would have happened. She couldn't remember the last time she'd slept, the last time she'd even eaten or looked after herself. For days now she'd been juggling the role of CMO on a ship which had been through a war and acting XO to a crew who were grieving for their dead and scared about the future of themselves.

Taking a blind turn, she stepped into a room, she couldn't have put a name to it if she'd tried or even cared. All that mattered was that she was alone. Placing her back against a wall, she sank to the floor and let the years flow, let the sobs release as everything collapsed on top of her.

Lilou had stilled when she'd heard the footsteps, hoping that whoever it was wouldn't see her. Maybe it was just one of the other engineers double checking Ameen's work. Maybe they wouldn't see her and they'd just move on to the next part of their review. But then the footsteps stopped inside the lab and, a moment later, Lilou listened in silence to a woman sobbing on the other side of the lab's center island. Whoever it was sounded about how Lilou felt. She looked down at her sandwich, ran her tongue over her teeth, and wondered whether it would be possible for her to pretend she wasn't here. Just eat her food and fall asleep for a short while as she'd planned. But however inhuman she saw herself as, she couldn't just ignore the desperate weeping. She wasn't sure how she could possible help anyone, but maybe solidarity in sorrow would be enough. She cleared her throat a couple times to warn the woman she was present, then stuck her head around the corner of the island.

Lilou looked a mess; her hair had fallen loose from her ponytail, her eyes were darkened and tired. But she wasn't thinking about herself. The last thing she'd expected was to see Pola. The medical officer had been so sure and controlled when she'd been in command of the bridge only a couple days before. The idea that she could now be so vulnerable was... well. Shocking, really. Lilou nudged the other wrapped half of her sandwich towards Pola silently.

Having pulled her legs up to her chest, Pola's head was buried into her knees, her body shaking as her arms held her legs in place. The sobs continued to rock through her body, making her completely unaware of anything that was happening. As the sobs continued, she suddenly became aware of a scraping noise against the floor, she looked up with an urgency, scared someone would find her.

As Pola looked around the room, her eyes were drawn to a partial sandwich which seemed to be creeping towards up. Looking up further in shock, she followed the connecting hand to see if she could see a face. As her eyes came to lie on a female face, she moved to stand. "Lilou...I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were here. I'll leave you be."

"Plenty of space," Lilou shook her head. "Just taking a minute to breathe." She tried to smile and had no idea how that looked. "Hungry?" she asked, nodding to the sandwich she'd offered.

Looking between Lilou and the sandwich, Pola felt divided. She knew she was in a bad state right now, not necessarily something she should be allowing others to see, especially now if she was meant to be the Acting XO. She couldn't go back to her quarters, Ameen was there she knew and she needed to be alone.

Looking up, her sight this time stayed on Lilou. Her eyes red rimmed and still damp from the tears, she pulled the corner of her lip between her teeth. She remembered Lilou, all the injuries she'd had. How she seemed scared, or angry or something when the Doctor had tried to treat her. Here was was now, offering part of a sandwich she had obviously made for herself. Lowering herself back down, Pola tried a half smile as she took the offering.

Lilou shifted her shoulders somewhat nervously and settled back against the counter again to eat the remainder of her sandwich in silence. She kept her gaze focused on her boots where the buffer hadn't quite worked out the scuffs. She doubted anyone would be calling her on that in the coming days, though; they had plenty else to keep their attention. Exhausted and aching, she swallowed the last bite and let her head fall back against the counter. Her temples throbbed, but she was too tired to drag herself to her feet and leave. The corner of the counter hid Pola's presence and Lilou hoped that was enough privacy for the other woman.

As she nibbled her way through the sandwiche in her hand, Pola fought the urge to just start crying again. Closing her eyes, she tilted her head back against the unit behind her, swallowing hard to force them back. Forcing her mind to change its train of thought, she remembered that Lilou was still in the room. The girl hadn't said anything more and Pola wasn't certain what to say. How do you make conversation with a person who you had difficulty talking to in normal situations. This situation right now, wasn't even close to normal. "How did you find this place?"

"We just got it running atmo and gravity yesterday," Lilou explained. "I figured there might not be too many people filing back in just yet. Plus, this lab was never that busy to begin with. I guess we don't have a full survey team on board at the moment. That'll change, I imagine. When we get back to the Federation." She carefully said 'when' instead of 'if', avoiding the portrayal of the fatalism she saw in many of the other crew members. Stubbornly, she refused to give up on this ship, despite the fact that her safe haven had turned out to be more of a death trap than anything. It wasn't the ship's fault. It was the damn Klingons'. "You?"

Closing her eyes, Pola leaned her head back against the table. "Honestly? I started walking, not knowing where I was going. I just knew I had to keep walking. Eventually I just fell in here I guess. Fate? Do you believe in fate?" Pola felt the tears threatening in her eyes again as she tried to force them back, wishing the communication didn't exist.

Lilou frowned thoughtfully, "I think 'Fate' is an invention of the mind that gives bad people an excuse to do bad things without responsibility." She sipped from her water bottle, "And doesn't let good people take credit where it's due. My father taught me that there are energies in the world that seek particular reciprocal energies, but they - like everything else in the universe - are flawed and imperfect. Will triumphs." She heard her words a moment later and shut her eyes. Not all the time. Will was dead. Spirits, someone needed to notify his family. Then again, if they all died, maybe that would be notification enough... no. Someone needed to tell them he'd been a hero. She looked towards the door, then her gaze sank to the floor. "Sorry. I guess... was I supposed to say something else?"

Thinking over the words, Pola wasn't aware of Lilou's inner turmoil as she herself started to realise that she was once again trying to fight back tears. Rubbing a hand across her eyes, she kept a focus on her hands in her lap. "How about the good people who do things without responsibility? Are they just as bad?"

The question confused Lilou, as did the rapid reddening of Pola's eyes. Why had she thought she could handle this kind of a social situation? Empathy with an emotion didn't mean she knew how someone else would need to handle it. She rubbed her nose. "I don't... I don't think I understand what you're asking me," she said finally.

Smiling sadly, Pola just shook her head, her eyes still fighting back tears. "I'm sorry. Don't mind me right now, my head is just a mess and I'm not vocalising thoughts correctly....Am I keeping you?"

"No, I already said... oh." Lilou frowned, looking down and away, as she read into the other woman's subtext. "You want to be alone." She stood slowly, focusing past the aching in her joints. Maybe she could crawl into one of the access hatches to catch some sleep. Being on her feet after the short while of rest left her feeling light-headed, but she kept her water bottle in hand and made it to the door without event. "If it helps, Chief," she said quietly as the door opened to allow her out. "My opinions really don't mean much in the scheme of things. What you believe is up to you."

Finding herself now more upset, Pola pressed her forehead against her knees. She hadn't meant to make the engineer think that she had to go, she was just worried that Lilou didn't feel obliged to leave. As the woman's words filtered through to her mind, the Doctor finally looked up. "Everybodies opinions count...just because you don't know me or my position, that doesn't make your words any less impactful or important Lilou. Everyone's belief is influenced by the opinion of those around them....it has to be or they'll find themselves very lonely."

"You think?" Lilou ducked her head, "Maybe that explains it." She scuffed her toe against the floor. "I just meant... if you want to believe there's some reason to it all, there's no harm in it. It's just, if there is, I can't see it. It's more comforting, to me, to see it all as random contrivances of circumstance. Like how you and I ended up here... if Fate sent you to where I was for comfort, Fate's got a really mean sense of humor. You know?"

Smiling weakly, Pola climbed to her own feet as she rubbed a hand across her eyes. "I don't know...this is the first conversation which you and I have managed to actually just talk. Maybe fate dictated that both of us needed that, just to be able to forget everything else." Rubbing her eyes again, Pola smiled wearily at the woman standing at the door. "I'm sorry I'm being a little obtuse."

"I'm sorry I'm being acute," Lilou quipped, then flushed, ducking her head miserably. She was responding to her commanding officer with geometry jokes. What was the universe coming to? "To be fair, there hasn't really been a plethora of chatting time available since we took off. Someone had to find the silver lining in being adrift in space; this might as well be it."

Laughing lightly, Pola smiled her appreciation at Lilou. "Not too bad for two people who were looking for a hole to crawl into and block out everyone else..." Looking down, Pola suddenly felt slightly self concious. "Thank you for the sandwich." Just as the words let her lips, Pola's commbadge beeped indicated she was needed. Smiling shyly at Lilou, Pola apologised to the woman, explaining she was needed urgently in sickbay before she left at lab at a running pace.

[OFF]


Lieutenant JG Pola Ni Dhuinn
Chief Medical Officer
USS Galileo

Master Warrant Officer Lilou Peers
Assistant Chief of Engineering
USS Galileo

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