I'm Not Sick...

Posted on 19 Sep 2015 @ 12:55pm by Jynn

1,271 words; about a 6 minute read

Mission: Episode 09 - Empires
Location: USS Galileo; Deck 4; Jynn's Quarters
Timeline: MD03 - 2300 Hours

ON:

As he sat before the computer in his room Jynn had managed to find himself in one of his states of depression and anger. Certainly after the highs and lows of the past few days there was plenty of reason for this. It had all come to a head just hours before with his heart-wrenching talk with Oren. There was certainly more than enough for his own internal computer, his brain, to process. The organ strained to keep up with the thoughts within. Staring at the computer that he had found most comforting to talk to at times, where he kept his piles and piles of thoughts in logs, all he could currently think of was just how useless it was.

Why speak words that need not be spoken, he thought to himself. After all everything he would have to say had already been spoken to himself, why bring it up to some unthinking and uncaring computer to never be heard again except by maybe himself at some later point? The Galileo was a nice ship, but to say its computer had any functioning capacity to feel would be doing actual emotion a grave disservice. Clearly the computer could not troubleshoot his troubled mind. There would be no log tonight.

Jynn needed an escape. A few moments of peace before the finality of his recent decisions would set in once more. He grabbed his knife which lay on the heavily notched computer's table. Placing his other hand down upon the table he began to tap away, the blade returning to spots it had made many times before as well as occasionally making a new mark, though the new ones where small as he attempted to keep quiet. He did not want to disturb his new roommate who had fallen asleep in his bed a few minutes after getting an awkward stare from the damned Deltan.

Tick tick tick tick. Methodical like a clock. Was it counting up or counting down to something? As the tapping hastened Jynn felt an almost soothing sensation run through him, washing him of the day's physical, mental, and emotional grime. He began to tap faster, louder, focusing completely on the blade's movement. He had begun to enter the zone. Then: Stop. But it was not to make sure that Rheneas, who was currently shifting in position, would stay asleep. No. It was to stop himself from entering his so-called 'zone.'

STOP, his mind shouted. Feel it. Deal with it. All of it. He began to grind the tip of the blade into the table between his fingers. You think you can just fly through the day and ride the waves of emotion and just wash it all away at night when you're finally left alone like there have been no consequences? Have you not thought of just how abnormal you are? You say you enjoy the emotional lows as much as the emotional highs, but you're wrong, Jynn. Negativity is a sign that something should be avoided, not cherished. You're ignoring your own warnings!

Jynn shook his head, telling himself he was wrong. To think of the emotional lows as bad was to deny their worthiness of existence. To relegate them to some category to be avoided or done away with via some drug. Counseled away by outside influences who had no chance of understanding just what it all meant to him. It had felt like a blessing to feel so much in so little time. Why stop any of it? I don't need help!

Your overeagerness to feel everything is costing everyone around you and now it will cost you everything. Everyone will judge you. Everyone will look down on you. You should have stayed home where you could do no harm with your do-no-harm attitude!

No! This is where I belong. Out amongst the universe. One with it. I just... I just... And then it hit him. All the pent up thoughts and consequences of everything he had been doing. All of it.

HappinessElationDeceiving Veri. He had begun to hide things from people.
ExcitementDesireLustDamaging Tuula. He had begun to hurt people.
AngerFrustrationDisregarding K'os. He had begun to ignore the words of others.
LovelyAttractiveTempting Rebecca. Jynn was learning it would take more than his weak will to control himself.
ConnectingBondingRejecting Oren. He had begun to push away the comfort and advice of others. Even in this most life changing time he had almost immediately set aside all his words and replaced it with the cheap thrill of a sharp blade.

As he squeezed his eyes shut he could see the faces of everyone aboard and everything he had done and felt.

You've disregarded everyone else on this ship, Jynn. You say you love them all but at the end of the day the only voice you listen to is yourself. Everyone else plays second fiddle on your deranged stage of so-called love. 'All for the love of it all'? What is wrong with you, Jynn? Soon you will be paying for your selfishness.

IgnorantSelfishRecklessJynn.
HastyChildishImpulsiveJynn.
DangerousDangerousDangerousJynn.
CarelessMaliciousCrimina-

STOP!

*THUD!*

Jynn brought the blade up into the air and down as hard as he could, puncturing straight through the center of his right hand. He slammed his head down sideways on the table, pressing against it and clenching his teeth as he stared at the damage he had done. He held back a yell that no doubt would have alerted Rheneas, grinding his teeth together, and as he stared at what he had done, as the sensations of pain coursed through him and the blood coursed out of him, he felt the turmoil go away. It was all washed away in bloody distraction.

What did you do, Jynn thought to himself, teeth clenched and tears of pain in his eyes. I need to fix this, he continued in thought. Just a little slip-up. No questions necessary. I can fix this on my own. He stared for a few more moments before squeezing his eyes shut once more. He had to fix this. Now. But in order to do so he'd have to be calm and collected so no one would notice. He had to shut it all off, which he swore he would never do again. But he had to, even if it was only for a few minutes.

A second later and the turmoil and pain where gone. Everything had suddenly gone quiet. Jynn slowly removed the knife from his hand and stood up from his seat. Grabbing a towel he proceeded to wipe off the blade and the table and then wrapped his hand tight with it. He sighed lightly, relaxed and pain free as though he were completely unaware of his haywire mind and punctured hand. He had used his inherent trait of being able to calm and sooth, an ability he thought was rather unnecessary. Ironic that such a sensual race as his could remove all sensation. He didn't want to, but at the moment he had no choice. Jynn had to take care of his injury before suspicions where aroused. He pulled down the sleeves of his robe to cover both hands evenly and walked out the door without another sound.

To be continued...

OFF

Lieutenant JG Jynn
Chief Flight Control Officer
USS Galileo

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