Sitting in Judgment

Posted on 02 Mar 2015 @ 12:41am by Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson & Petty Officer 1st Class Pieter Van Zyl Ph.D.

3,288 words; about a 16 minute read

Mission: Episode 08 - NIMBUS
Location: USS Galileo, Deck 4, Multipurpose Lab
Timeline: MD -03, 1200hrs

[ ON ]

Ellsworth looked at Pieter out of the corner of his eye a couple of times but chose to remain silent for now. They were three-quarters of the way through their weekly review of rules and regulations, which Ellsworth suspected was Piet's favorite part of their mentoring relationship, but his mind kept wandering severely. He'd read the same paragraph fives times in the last five minutes, and he still couldn't remember a word of it. Sometimes the letters even seemed to rearrange themselves so that he thought he'd catch K'os' or Oren's name out of the corner of his eye, only to discover it was really something about the procedures for ordering toxic materials (which somehow seemed fitting).

A glance at the chronometer told him review time was almost up and they'd begin covering the material together for the final fifteen minutes or so. He shoved the PADD aside in a huff and seemed to fold in on himself in the chair, feeling the heavy weight of his heavy thoughts. Piet probably wasn't the ideal person to offer relationship advice, but he'd come to respect the man over the past few weeks of their mentorship and thought he would, at the very least, be able to offer a unique perspective.

"Piet, I need help."

Lifting his head up after glancing the screen on his wrist, Pieter left out a long sigh. This whole 'Piet' business started around their third meeting when, apparently, Pieter stopped looking like a superior. Since then, he'd tried every possible thing to get Ellsworth to call him by his proper rank and treat him like the superior officer he was. But, Ellsworth was as stubborn as he was childish, so, short of another complaint to Lt. Zhao, there was nothing Pieter could do. Ignoring the lack of proper address, Pieter stood up, making his way over to stand behind Ellsworth. He looked over his shoulder at the paDD on the table, wondering silently which part the boy was having problems with.

"Which section?" he asked, scrolling through his own personal paDD to find the section Ellsworth was on.

"Oh, it's the section where, uh, I have a telepathic bond with someone that drives me wild and we have crazy, mind-blowing sex, and he's super hot. But then I also love someone else who's way different. What am I supposed to do about that? That section is confusing," Ellsworth said, grinning just a little bit over his half-joke.

Blinking at the screen, Pieter briefly considered the repercussions of slapping the Betazoid upside the head with the device in his hands. His eyes wandered from the paDD to Ellsworth's head at least half a dozen times before he decided it wasn't worth it. Instead, he reached up, pinching the bridge of his nose as he felt a headache brewing behind his temples.

"This is not a conversation we should be having," Pieter finally said, hoping he wouldn't continue. But, naturally, when Ellsworth was concerned, Pieter's hopes were torn to pieces with every sentence out of his mouth.

"Oh please," Ellsworth sputtered. "I could say that about half the things you make us talk about! All these rules and regulations and stuff, that's not a conversation we should be having. Besides, did you even hear me?" Ellsworth shifted closer to him and leaned until he was as much between Pieter and the screen as he could get. When he spoke, it was slow and deliberate to underscore the importance of the matter at hand. "I am in a steamy love triangle, and I do not know what to do about it. You're my mentor! Mentor me out of it."

Sighing once again, Pieter stared up at the ceiling, silently praying for strength before putting his hand on Ellsworth's chest to push him back so that he'd have room to speak. "If you had listened to half of the rules about fraternization we spoke about, you wouldn't be in a steamy love triangle." Pieter felt ridiculous just saying those last words.

"Ugh, I swear! If you could make love to those fraternization rules then you would. You know I didn't even listen to a fourth of them," Ellsworth huffed. "Besides, neither of them are officers, and they're not even in my department. I don't even fraternize-fraternize with one of them, and I haven't fraternized the other one in like four months! So, who should I pick? K'os, the engineering hottie? Or Oren, the dreamy he-could-totally-be-my-husband scientist?"

"I'm not getting involved," Pieter declared, shaking his head and making his way back to his desk, sitting on it and giving Ellsworth a stern look. He stared down at the paDD, trying to review what they'd been going over but the damage was done. Pieter's mind went immediately to the three men in question. Well, the two that weren't presently in the room with him. He knew K'os only in passing, but Oren he was all too familiar with. It was because of this that he couldn't imagine him and Ellsworth together.

"What do you mean, 'I'm not getting involved'?" Ellsworth asked, trying to make his voice match the flat monotone of Piet's VOICE as he imitated it. "You're supposed to be my mentor! And that means you get to mentor me on the bad stuff, not just a bunch of regulations. Sometimes I need help with stuff, so are you just gonna pretend that doesn't happen? Don't you care, Piet?"

Frustrated, Pieter threw the paDD onto his desk, thinking 'Screw it'.

"How do you even know Oren?"

"You're not supposed to be so careless with Starfleet equipment, Regulation 337-1A," Ellsworth said, trying to hide his grin. He was distraught, of course, but it was hard to pass up an opportunity to throw regulations in Pieter's face since they never arose. "Oren is my boyfriend. Or... Kinda. We're seeing each other. We have been seeing each other. I mean, we were friends first but then...we became more than friends. He's so dreamy, Piet, and handsome, too. He's smart, and he makes me feel good about myself. I like the way he looks at me." Ellsworth looked down into his lap and worked one thumb over the other. "I love him."

Pieter shrugged his shoulders. "So what is the problem?" he asked, wondering what the point of this conversation was if Ellsworth already loved Oren.

"I'm about to tell you!" Ellsworth frowned. Piet was so cut and dry, black and white, that you couldn't even finish telling him something before he'd already decided what you should do. It must've been nice living like that. "There's another guy, K'os. And I love him, too. Not in the same way. We have this really weird telepathic bond and..." Ellsworth shut his eyes and tilted his head back; it was easy to let the bond assert itself over him, to allow it to run its fingers across his skin. "It feels so good. It's like taking your mind and their mind and putting them together and all your nerves are on fire, but not a bad kind of fire. The good kind of fire. Being with him is like one long, mind-blowing, torturous, never-ending orgasm." Ellsworth opened his eyes, looked at Piet, and bit his lip. "So..."

Pieter nodded, wondering how people on this ship got themselves into these kinds of situations. But he didn't say that. Instead, he asked, "So why aren't you referring to him as your 'can-totally-be-my-husband'?"

Ellsworth opened his mouth to reply but quickly clamped it shut. He'd thought he'd gone over every aspect of the ordeal in his own mind, so the answer should have come quickly. But this one left him stumped. Why wasn't he referring to K'os as his future-husband? The idea of it wasn't unappealing at all. Far from it, in fact. He idealized it to be a high-energy, free-spirited life long affair full of extraordinary passion and pleasure, like an eternal holiday. But, was that really what you wanted when you were 35 or 50 or 90? Would either of them mellow out with time and fall into a comfortable rhythm? And if he had a comfortable rhythm with Oren, why gamble on having the same thing with K'os?

Because he sets you on fire, answered the plak tow, some remnant of the recent connection with K'os that lingered in the back of his mind. He's your other half. He fills you and makes you whole.

"He could be my husband, too," Ellsworth said, not sounding like he was entirely convinced himself. "It's just different with him. It's more than that. It's not even about... It's not, like, living together on some prairie farm and making breakfast for each other, that kinda cheesy stuff I think about with Oren. It's about touching someone and letting them into your mind and feeling like... Feeling fulfilled. And when you're apart, feeling empty and broken."

Pieter watched Ellsworth carefully, thinking over his words. They were the words of a twenty year old, which was exactly what Pieter should have expected. After all, that was exactly what Ellsworth was, a silly twenty year old. Even Pieter himself had idealistic notions of marriage and love similar to Ellsworth's, once upon a time. But he was older now, mature enough to know that love didn't really work like that, but still young enough to know that, no matter what he said, Ellsworth would od exactly what he wanted to. Because that's what twenty year olds do.

"Love isn't supposed to make you feel broken," he said simply. It was the most diplomatic thing he could think to say.

"But that's just it! He doesn't make me feel broken. Only when he's gone. And he was gone a long time, just up and left me. But when he's with me, I feel complete," Ellsworth said, sitting back in his chair with a dreamy sigh. "Totally complete. Like we were made to be together." He smiled to himself, looking off into the distance, then shifted his eyes to Piet. "But then there's Oren. It doesn't feel quite like that, I guess cuz it's missing that telepathic bond. And...the other stuff."

"Because Oren's asexual," Pieter guessed. He didn't want to clarify his earlier statement. It seemed like a waste of time. Ellsworth was clearly smitten. And sex obsessed, but being Betazoid, Pieter expected that. The younger ones always were.

"Well, yeah," Ellsworth frowned, eyeing Piet with some suspicion. He knew the man had plenty of ideas about his personal life, and there was something off-putting about having them alluded to. He frowned more, almost scowling at the other man. It was hard describing it to other people, especially those who prized monogamy so highly. It was like being under pressure and the act was just a valve; most of the time it was altogether devoid of emotion. But they didn't see it that way. "It's not like that's the biggest thing in a relationship. I mean, it would be nice... But I wouldn't stop loving him because of it. That's dumb."

"I've known Oren a long time. He was my roommate on the Belgrade" Pieter explained, leaning back in his chair, his eyes fixed firmly on Ellsworth. "I don't particularly like him, but I do know him better than I'd want to."

Ellsworth sat up in his chair, immediately feeling defensive. His frown had turned into a full on scowl, and he was so far forward in his seat that it looked like any moment he might try to jump up and throw a punch. "What do you mean you don't like him?"

"I mean I don't like him," Pieter said obviously. "We don't get along. I think he's immature, too sensitive, too open," he explained, unsure of how to phrase his feelings for Oren. Maybe 'dislike' was too strong of a word, but Pieter knew that in no way could he and Oren ever be friends. They'd tried, but it didn't work out.

"This isn't about me and Oren. It's about you and Oren. Why do you like him so much that this is so difficult for you?"

Ellsworth just glared at Pieter and didn't speak for several moments. His eyes felt hot and wet, like he was about to cry in angry helplessness. How could someone not like Oren? Piet's complete tactlessness - immature, too sensitive, too open - really got under his skin. How could he sit there and talk poorly about someone so wonderful? But Piet was just an easy target; it was easier to be mad at him for speaking unflatteringly about Oren than it was to be mad at himself for basically cheating on the innocent El Aurian.

"I like him because he's immature, too sensitive, and too open," Ellsworth said spitefully. "He encourages me and doesn't make me feel stupid. He holds my hand, like a real boyfriend. He's passionate and smart, and he's compassionate and kind. He has a loving heart. Why wouldn't it be difficult? Huh? Anyone would be lucky to have someone like Oren, so don't say bad things about him. He's a good person, Piet!"

"Then why don't you want him?" was the immediate answer as Pieter glared at Ellsworth. "Why are you cheating on him if he's so wonderful and makes you feel so good?"

"I don't know!" Ellsworth shouted, rocketing up out of his chair and throwing his hands in the air. Between Piet's questions and his own guilty mind, he was starting to feel like he was under interrogation. The room seemed smaller, cramped, and he felt hot and fidgety. "Maybe I just like sex, how's that? Wouldn't that tie everything up in a nice little package for you? The dumb little Betazoid that can't keep his pants on - oh, that just makes so much sense!" He turned away from Piet and pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes until they hurt, as if he could physically contain the tears. "You just... Nobody can get it. Nobody will understand. They don't know what it's like, that feeling, that connection. It burns my brain and squeezes my heart; it knows all my desires. I cheat on him because I can't fight it, I won't fight, and I don't want to fight it. I want it."

Pieter watched the young man unravel, waiting for him to stop talking before standing up. He walked over to him, putting his hand on Ellsworth's shoulder to turn him around. "Calm down," Pieter said firmly and then led the boy back to the chair, forcing him to sit in it once again. With a sigh, he walked over the desk and leaned back on it, facing Ellsworth.

"You need to grow up," he said simply. "Talk to Oren. Take responsibility for what you're doing." It was clear that Pieter wasn't pleased with his conduct. "And don't put words in my mouth. I didn't say what I think about what you're doing, which is probably all for the best because I don't think you can handle it without being overly dramatic and acting like a spoiled brat."

Ellsworth folded his arms and glared at Piet, trying to give him the closest approximation to a dangerous look that he could manage to summon. Somehow his boyish features and brooding face made him look even more like an overly dramatic spoiled brat. Any outsider would have agreed with Piet's assessment, but of course Ellsworth felt differently. He was hardly spoiled. He'd never been spoiled a day in his life...except by Oren, who was indulgent with him in the most loving sort of way. That thought made him scowl all the more.

"I am grown up! I'm 20 years old, Piet, I'm not a child. And I'll talk to him... Sometime. He's just gonna be really mad and hurt, I know it! It's not like I can control what I'm doing. None of you get it! You don't know what it's like to be with K'os, you can't understand. You're just too...limited!"

"Easy now," Pieter warned, giving Ellsworth a serious look. He did particularly appreciate someone like Ellsworth's (or anyones) words. Deciding not to comment on his statements of being an adult, Pieter looked at him firmly, carefully choosing his next words. Or as carefully as one can choose words like these.

"I'm going to tell you something that you probably don't want to hear. You're right," Pieter began, knowing that it was probably the one and only time he would say those words to Hudson. "No one understands or knows how you feel about K'os, but there is something we all understand, you included.

"Pain," he told him, meeting Ellsworth's eyes. "You're acting like a horrible person and inflicting pain on another person. I don't like Oren but no one deserves that kind of treatment, so you need to march your ass to him, confess, repent and go back to work. This is not the kind of behaviour someone over the age of fifteen should be indulging in." It wasn't behaviour anyone with half a brain and basic impulse control should be indulging in, but Pieter didn't say that, knowing that the words Ellsworth and impulse control could just barely be used in a sentence.

The entire display from Ellsworth told Pieter volumes on just how much his work with him hadn't done much. Sure, Ellsworth was more efficient at his job and no one had complained since this mentorship had begun, but the Betazoid's private life seemed to be in tatters, as if he needed to make up for the lack of drama in his work environment. In Pieter's opinion, the entire ship needed an emergency sexual harassment seminar and made a mental note of approaching the counselors about it.

Ellsworth remained crumpled up in the chair like a sulking child and refused to look at Piet. It was annoying when other people were right but it was downright intolerable when someone like Piet was right. He didn't dare admit it out loud because he couldn't stomach the thought of emboldening the self-righteous botanist, so he remained silent. But the more he thought about causing Oren pain, the more his features softened.

Eventually, he heaved a sigh and stood up. Still refusing to make eye contact with Piet, he dragged himself to the door but paused just short of the door sensor. He knew it was easy to sit in judgment of his actions. It usually was, as he was rarely right; more often than not he chose the easiest, most self-centered option available to him as a matter of comfort and habit. Anyone looking in from the outside, anyone without enough background to have developed sympathy for him, would likely find it very easy to judge his every day life as morally reprehensible, especially by Terran standards. But, as with most things, it was more complicated than that. Piet's black-and-white vision of the world fit here even worse than Ellsworth usually thought it did, and it made him resent the other man even while recognizing the truth in his words.

"You're not better than me, Piet," Ellsworth asserted from the doorway, a very cryptic statement without any better context. He stared at him for a long moment and then passed out of the room into the corridor and points beyond.

[OFF]

PO1 Pieter Van Zyl
Botanist
USS Galileo
[PNPC Idris]

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo
[ PNPC - Mott ]

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