A Guilt Trip

Posted on 02 Feb 2015 @ 12:04pm by Lieutenant Oren Idris Ph.D. & Lieutenant Prudence Devin Ph.D. & Petty Officer 1st Class Pieter Van Zyl Ph.D.

5,009 words; about a 25 minute read

Mission: Episode 07 - Sojourn
Location: SB84 - Temporary Counselor's offices
Timeline: MD42 - 1300hrs

[ON]

As a man who was right as often as he was, guilt was not an emotion Pieter dealt with often. He prided himself on being a strong, guiding hand for his younger crewmen and a voice of objectivity for his more rambunctious peers. And when one of said peers did something incredibly stupid and selfish, he liked to think that giving them a piece of his mind on the subject was the only honorable, honest thing to do. So why was it that, days after his confrontation with Oren, Pieter found himself pacing in front of Dr. Devin's office, wracked with a guilt so heavy it was like he'd been swallowing lead.

Just as he was sure that the deck plating might start giving away to his heavy frame from his incessant walking back and forth, Pieter stopped when Devin's office doors finally opened, her session with the current patient finally done. Judging by the empty waiting area, Pieter hoped she had a moment free. The fact that he hadn't announced himself ahead of time was evidence of his irrational guilt.

"Enter..." Prudence said, her hands busy pinning her hair up. She smiled when she saw Pieter. "Come in...get comfortable." She took a moment to take in his appearance, the way he carried himself. She stood and patted the back of the chair usually occupied by whoever was seeing her. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

Pieter shook his head. "No, thank you," he said, always polite. He tried sitting down in his usual spot but it didn't last as he nervously stood up to look at her. "I made a mistake," he said suddenly, wanting to get it out.

She watched him, holding his eyes for a moment before nodding. "It's okay," she said gently. "Tell me what happened, Pieter..." she sat down, on the corner of the desk, watching with patience and calm. Whatever it was...mistakes could be fixed, or at least learned from. But the priority was letting him get it off his chest.

"I think I was too blunt with someone. I was right," he explained, adding the last quickly, just to make sure she knew. "But I think I crossed a line."

She held his eyes before nodding gently, frowning. "If you think you crossed a line....have you considered talking to that person? Making sure that...it is okay?"

"I tried. But...I think...." Pieter sighed, frustrated with a lack of vocabulary. "Is it possible to," He sighed again before signing, "break a person?" For all of the stoicism and self-righteousness that Pieter emanated on a daily basis he looked incredibly troubled with the idea of actually harming someone.

Prudence's eyes softened and she nodded, looking away. "Some people are like...diamonds. One tap and they shatter..." she met his eyes after a moment's hesitation. "However, to truly break someone, there's...more violence and torture involved. Words...tend to reopen rather than anything else. What you could have done is exposing trauma that's already happened."

Pieter frowned. That wasn't an unexpected answer but he'd been more optimistic, it seemed. Somehow, underneath the guilt, he'd been hoping Devin would reassure him and tell him that he was, as always, in the right, and that he could go back to his quarters, absolved.

"It's Oren Idris...a colleague I know from my last assignment," he revealed, still not quite meeting Devin's gaze. He was obviously ashamed to admit what he'd done.

"He's childish, and selfish," Pieter explained honestly. Those were all traits e firmly believed described the El-Aurian. "On the outside, he's charming and sweet, but he's more than that. He's manipulative and he's stuck in his own head. He doesn't care how anything he does impacts people, he just waltzes through life, and then looks back and has the nerve to be offended when he sees the destruction he's caused."

"And...you think you broke him, how?" she asked, slightly confused. Idris. She hadn't met him yet, so she didn't know him or anything about him. If Pieter was right, the man should be able to brush off criticism, or defend his own right for being the way he was. But then again...it was difficult to know with people. A manipulator could fake offense. Or equally, hide something more painful inside.

"He did something again. Something I don't want to talk about," he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. The event didn't really matter in the long run.

"I confronted him and...I wasn't kind with my words. I told him everything I thought about him. Thinking back, some of my words were very cruel. I told him that everything about him was fake and that that was probably for the best because the real him was too awful for anyone to like," Pieter paraphrased bitterly, feeling even worse admitting the words he'd said to Prudence of all people. He liked her company, from their sessions to the times they'd spent in the Arboretum and he didn't want her to think badly of him. But it was hard to sugar coat what he did.

She nodded gently, watching him for a long moment before tilting her head. "You were upset at his behaviour?" she asked, wanting to get it right. She could see on his face he wasn't finding this easy. She didn't blame him. Not at all. But equally, words said in the heat of a moment, in an argument...it could be healed.

"Yes. It isn't the first time we argued but this was different. He didn't argue back, but I just kept going because I didn't really pay attention. I was so angry with him...." Pieter shook his head, mostly at his own stupidity. Anger, like guilt, wasn't something he felt often. He was always honest and told everyone what was on his mind, so there were no pent up feelings to cause any anger most of the time.

"Then he left. Since then, he's been." Pieter paused, shrugging helplessly. "Different. He's usually very active and energetic. He's always moving around and there are pages and pages of him talking on my VOICE, but since then, there's been very little. It's hard for me to explain. He's just different. Like someone," 'Me', Pieter's mind supplied, "reached in and unplugged something."

Prudence nodded gently, considering it all before standing. She hesitated before moving to get the tea pot. "Sometimes, sitting down and talking through things help," she said and looked at him, arching an eyebrow. "I mean, really...talk. With someone else there. If you are worried about him, and it sounds to me like it's concern that brought you here, not anything else...then maybe we should invite Idris here and talk?" she got hot water from the replicator, finding her thoughts straightening with the familiar ritual.

"If you are willing, that is? Or, if you want to, I can speak to him in private? Regardless...I think you, me or someone needs to talk to him. You have good instincts. If he is different, then it needs addressing..." she stopped and smiled weakly, taking a slower breath, almost as if clearing her mind.

"I don't want to cause him more distress, so I think it might be best if you spoke to him. You'll know what to say," Pieter said confidently. Whether he was assuring her or scolding himself was uncertain.

He was quiet then for a few moments, thinking before he spoke. "After I saw him like this, some things came to me. Things I should have thought of before I said anything." He looked up at her, looking disappointed with himself.

"Oren Idris is El-Aurian. He's twice my age so his behavior sometimes makes me so angry but then I started thinking that, for his species, he's still just a kid."

She smiled gently as she watched him, moving to his side. "Pieter...you reacted emotionally. It's okay. It's...natural, you know. We've all upset someone in our time. I...think you coming to me, saying all this...it speaks well about your character and your concern for him. For your friend," she added the last, holding his eyes firmly. Regardless how Pieter might view it, this appeared to Prudence to be more than professional concern for someone. "I'll ask him to my office. Just...promise me you'll go easy on yourself. Don't mull this over. I'll talk to him, see what is going on."

Pieter nodded. To him, this just proved that he should think more and try to rationally respond to things from now on. He gave her a small, grateful smile. "Thank you."

"More than welcome...you know, he might be having something else on his mind and it is a coincidence," she said lightly before pulling back from him, to sit down at her desk. "But even so, it's always best to check."

"I know he went back to Bajor suddenly months ago. That's where he's from," Pieter supplied. He knew it probably meant nothing, but he clearly wasn't the best judge of what was important. "Maybe you're right. But I still regret saying most of it. There are some truths no one deserves to hear."

"Then when you see him next, you tell him," she arched an eyebrow, her smile friendly and gentle. "Just like that. You regret hurting him...and it's what makes you a good man." Because a lot of people would have pushed it aside and not given it a second though. He, however, went to a counsellor for advice, wanting to help the person he had hurt.

Pieter felt a little uncomfortable. Despite knowing he was right most of the time, it wasn't often that someone actually called him a good man. Those two words, together, were never used to describe him actually. A good soldier/son/brother, or a righteous/honorable/determined man, yes. But never a good man. It felt strange.

"I'll leave you, then," he said instead, standing.

"Okay," she said and nodded, smiling gently as he left. She then took a breath, frowning before using the computer to send a message to Oren Idris, requesting him to come to the counselling office. It gave her time to have a cup of tea, water the plant and mentally prepare for this.

Almost a half hour passed before the chime rang out through the small office, followed by Oren's entrance. He didn't look as terrible as one might expected from a 'broken' man, but that could easily be explained by the fact that the man still looked like a boy struggling through the final stages of adolescence. He wore the standard, pressed, civilian uniform which would indicate to anyone else just how out of it he really felt. He'd hated the common thing since coming on board and it was only recently when it began to look like the department heads might have finally given up trying to force him into it on a daily basis.

Prudence stood as he entered, giving him a small smile. "Thank you for coming. I'm Prudence Devin, the new Chief Counsellor here..." she motioned to the empty chair, sitting down as well.

"I know," Oren replied, giving her a once over, from top to bottom. "I assume I was assigned to you now that my previous counselor has transferred?" He didn't take the offered seat, instead taking a small walk around, looking at the decorations.

"Yes," she said gently, reaching to pour the tea into the small cups. She let him explore, not following him with her eyes but rather focusing on what she was doing. And with it came the honesty."Although I must admit, I was told about you by a worried colleague of yours. So I thought it was best that we met."

"Let me guess...Pieter?" Oren asked, turning his head to look at Prudence over his shoulder. Before she had a chance to ask, he continued. "He's the only one who knows me well enough to tell if something is off."

"Yes...Pieter," she nodded as she watched him. "He is concerned about you. About how you've changed. I wanted to check on you, see how you were. What is on your mind."

"And how exactly can you be sure he is right, considering you don't know anything about me?" Oren asked, turned to fully face the doctor. He wasn't feeling generous with her, or anyone, lately. He'd spent a good part of his life seeing therapists and, apart from a few issues, he didn't feel like any real progress had been made.

"I don't. But I trust his instinct on this, as he knows you," Prudence said bluntly, searching his eyes now that he was looking at her. "And he was concerned. As a counsellor, it is my duty to at least talk with you. We've never met, I do not know you and you do not know me. In time, perhaps we will get to know each other and trust each other. It's something I will aim for, yet it cannot be forced. Sometimes, people think that sitting with a counsellor will magically solve things. It doesn't. I don't have a magic wand. All I have is theory. The theories taught to me about people's minds, and my own experience. At best, I can guide and offer another perspective on problems and issues. But the truth few counsellors wish to express is that all we can do is offer words. The real change can only be done by the other person, if they chose, to try and see things in a different light and change their perspective and reactions. Talking helps, as a tool. Airing problems, doubts...sharing them with another person forces you to face them. With a different attitude. For some, it never works. For some, it's better to give them a journal and the knowledge and let them work it out for themselves. When things like this..." she gestured around to the room. "...become forced, becomes an act...well, then it is useless. Which means my presence here becomes as useful as the plant."

"Don't I know it," Oren said, deciding to sit down. He still had a headache from the drinks he'd had the night before.

"I've been to a lot of therapists," he admitted, crossing one leg over the other in what he's sure he would interpret as a defensive position. But maybe he was feeling a little defensive, so what?

"Most of them didn't really help."

"What was the difference between the ones that helped and the army of those that didn't?" she asked, out of genuine interest as she watched him. She watched how he was seated...but brushed it off. It didn't matter, she could handle this.

"I had specific issues that needed fixing, so they fixed them. Told me where I was wrong and where I was right, so that helped," Oren explained.

"The other times, when I was seeing them for more general things like depression and anxiety, nothing they said helped. So they gave me medication, which made me feel worse most of the time."

"Medication isn't always the answer," she said, with a nod of agreement. "In severe cases, it can help until the brain and body are once more in control. I prefer cognitive behaviour therapy myself for such things. It's all about recognising your triggers. Now. I am going to ask you something. I prefer honesty. The one thing I am not fond of is lies. I can handle rage, sarcasm, namecalling and that sort as long as it is honest. So. Did something that Pieter say push your depression further? Is it a trigger, or completely unrelated. Or...are you in fact fine, and this is going to be a waste of our time?"

Oren didn't say anything for a long time, weighing his options. Would it really be worth it to tell the truth. It had helped him with Ellsworth, after all but Ellsworth was who he was, a kind, caring person who was almost painfully selfless. This was different.

"I don't know," he heard himself answer, shaking his head slightly. It was the truth, but Oren knew it was probably the most unhelpful answer for either of them.

She held his eyes before nodding in acceptance of the words. They were true. "Can you please describe to me your current mental state? Emotions?" she asked, tilting her head. "I want to make it clear first that I won't remove you from duty. Not that I usually would anyway. However, it seems to be the constant fear of the majority of people who enter my office. I want to...stop such assumptions."

"I'm not worried about that," Oren admitted, shrugging. His work was important to him but, if anything, depression seemed to help archaeology and anthropology work along. Something about the tragedy of all those dead people in history was easier to perceive and understand when you wish you were one of them.

"I'm not sure how I feel. Right now...the closest emotion would be nothing. I don't know if I feel anything at this moment. I feel like I'm just here, taking up space."

"Would you say you are disconnected?" she asked, watching him for a moment before frowning. There was underlying trauma. Something had triggered this. But right now, he didn't trust her. And she knew that it would take awhile. So instead, she had to give him the tools to get through this stage.

"Maybe." 'Yes' was the honest answer, but he couldn't get himself to admit it just yet. "Pieter would say I'm disconnected all the time," he added casually, shrugging one shoulder.

"There's a different between disconnected from reality and disconnected emotionally," she said softly as she watched him. "When was the last time you felt something?"

"Last night," Oren said quickly. "I was angry at myself."

That made Prudence frown and she tilted her head, considering it. "Why?" she asked, her voice quiet in the stillness he had left behind.

"Because I'm terrible to people who care about me, but I can't help it." Oren's voice felt far away to his own ears and he shook his head a little to focus himself back to the present moment.

"That's just who I am. I thought I was better but I'm not. I mean, real people feel things, right?" He knew he wasn't making sense and he reached up with his hand, rubbing it over his face. "I have to go," he said suddenly, standing.

"Sit down," she said, watching him before motioning to the seat. "Please. I can work with that. That honesty can help. So please...sit down."

"I don't think I can," Oren told her, feeling like he wanted to jump out of his own skin. Leaving the room felt like the only thing that would ease the tension.

She nodded and stood, moving to pour the tea. "Just sit down. And drink this. Even if we do not talk, I am not having you leave my office in this state. So please...sit down," she offered the small cup out, holding his eyes with meaning. She was trying to help him in this moment. The rest could wait, she just wanted him to have the chance to regain control before leaving.

Oren let out a long breath, taking the cup from her and staring into it before taking a long sip. The drink was too hot and he felt it burning all the way down his throat into his stomach. It was painful, but it seemed to sober him up a little, bringing him back into the moment enough to sit down.

"Last night, in bed, I had a strange thought. I really hope there isn't an afterlife," he admitted, his voice hoarse from the tea.

"It's one of those things we don't know. It's more faith," she said as she smiled weakly. "Why would you not want there to be one? Most...rely on the faith that there is one to go by." She reached for her own cup and took a careful sip of it.

"El-Aurians live for hundreds and hundreds of years. The idea that there may be more once we finally die sounds like a sick joke."

"Maybe, maybe not," she said and smiled gently. "But theology and such is not my strong suit. However, the cosmos can be a bit...well..." she thought of a polite way of saying it, and found none. "A bastard. So who knows what awaits us."

Oren couldn't help the small huff of laughter. "Yeah, I know that too well." He sighed, drinking more of his tea.

"I lose time," he said suddenly. "I think it's one day and then I feel like I just turned around and it's been three days. I don't know if that's normal." He shifted in his seat, finishing the cup of tea.

"I didn't say that well. I don't lose the days. I remember the things I did, but it's....it's like I wasn't really doing them. Like I was watching myself do them."

She nodded at the words, a weak smile on her lips. "You detach yourself from the reality, go about your routines without really, truly, thinking. It's..." she paused and leant slightly closer, the desk still separating them. "You're an intelligent man. I won't humour you. You have the tools to make this improve. You just need to use them. You have seen a lot. Done a lot. I don't know when, but at some point a trauma, a change, caused this. Only you know when that was, the moment something in you changed and you started to have these episodes."

"I've had them most of my life," Oren said. "Since I was a child. But I saw a therapist and they stopped. Then they started again a few years ago, but not as badly." Oren had a vague idea of the events that happened each time, but he wasn't sure about them now. He was even partially glad for the breaks, he just wished they didn't end up hurting the people he loved, few that they were.

She nodded gently, watching him. Childhood trauma then. "I would recommend regular sessions until this episode has passed. And with me, I recommend some reading too. I believe in...research, for myself and the one I am working with. I know that I might not be your first choice as a counsellor. I understand Delainey was loved by many who sought her help. Unfortunately, I cannot make her return. I can recommend a male counsellor if you would prefer it though."

Oren tilted his head in confusion. "Why would I prefer a male counselor?" he asked, shaking his head right away. "While I understand the human fascination with the perceived gender binary, I don't believe in it. So, I'm fine with you being my counselor since I guess I do need one. I'm adult enough to admit that."

She nodded, her eyes gentle. "I must admit, I hate to offer it but also feel compelled to," she said as she stood, smoothing her skirt. "In which case, I want you to read something. It is about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It...teaches you to spot your triggers and to find ways to cope better. I do not expect you to read it all for our next session, but just...familiarise yourself with the concept..." she walked to get a PADD to load the book on the subject. "I think you might be someone who...gains knowledge well. And in which case, we would both be on the same page and work on your episode." She walked to him and offered him the PADD, holding his eyes. "I want you to know you are not alone. And while you might feel isolated, numb...you have people who care about you enough to tell a stranger."

"Pieter just feels guilty," Oren said. "I'll try to read it but I have to ask. Do you know anything about El-Aurian psychology?"

"Only the bare minimum," she confessed as she held his eyes, with a weak smile. "Your lifespan naturally has its affects on how you process things. You can handle far more information and experiences than a human. To compare humans and El-Aurians, we are truly children compared to your species...and your species have not shared much about how you view and handle psychology. I would welcome more knowledge on the subject though."

"Yeah, my people have this thing with sharing...well, anything." It was an aspect of his culture that he hated the most. Now that the planet was gone, the easy going nature of his people just wanted to shrug it off and let it go.

"I honestly don't know anything about it either. It's one of the reasons I haven't been seeing therapists. I keep thinking 'What if what I'm experiencing is normal? What if the only way to fix this is to alter my entire way of thinking and you can't do that'. Like if you tried to get Vulcans to let go of logic." It was a frightening concept to Oren, not knowing how his mind was supposed to act. Other species had that luxury without even knowing it. There wasn't a single study or real book anywhere regarding details of El-Aurian psychology that Oren had been able to find.

She smiled gently, watching him fondly as she let out a breath. "I think...that the few El-Aurians I have ever met have always been...connected. Warm. Patient. Listeners..." she looked down, taking a deeper breath. "Truthfully, I will not make you change who you are, and truth is that I couldn't do it anyway. I can't change how you think either, not truly. I will only offer a tool you can use to analyse. Like a microscope, so that you may look upon your reactions or emotions and push past the confusion and see it for what it is. Regardless of what it is. Does that make sense?"

"It does. But...the El-Aurians you met had something to connect to, a place, culture, they knew what they were. I was born on Bajor after El-Auria was destroyed. My parents died when I was fifteen. Then I got shipped to Betazed," Oren explained, shrugging almost too casually. "Even my name isn't El-Aurian, let alone anything else. It's like being given a piece of alien technology with no attached manual, except the technology is my body."

"Well...let us try pressing some buttons with a manual in another language for another model," she said softly, watching him closely. "And see where we end up. You are strong enough. You know it, or else you would not still be here." She moved away, back to her chair. "I am sorry about your parents." It was worth acknowledging it. It was important to.

"It's fine," Oren said automatically, his mind briefly making its way to the gray box currently sitting under the desk in his office. "Maybe I can contact my grandmother. She's ancient so she knows more. If I catch her on a good day maybe she'll even tell me something."

"I think that is a good idea," Prudence said softly, holding his eyes for a moment. "Anything that might help with the puzzle pieces." Any tools, any knowledge he could get would help him.

"I'm not too hopeful about it. She gave me a code to where I can send her messages, but it's just a contact point, not an actual place where she lives. So it may take her years to respond." Saying it so plainly, Oren immediately threw the idea of contacting her out. Most didn't have the luxury of so much free time on their hands, a concept his only family member had problems grasping nowadays.

"Perhaps, but there would be an answer at the end of it, would it not?" Prudence's voice was light as she spoke, watching him. "And while it might not help you this moment, it might help you another time."

"I suppose you're right. I haven't seen her in decades," Oren added, wondering where she was. Or if she was even alive.

"So..." he trailed off, looking back at Prudence. "Is there anything else?"

Prudence shook her head, watching him for a long moment. "I'll book you in for another appointment," she said, more as a fact than anything else. "I am sure Pieter will keep an eye on you at work, but I'd like to see you in two days time. After you've had a chance to read and process a bit."

"I wish Pieter would mind his own business," Oren muttered.

"I think you have people around you that care about you. You might not see it yet, but you will in time. Sometimes...it helps," she said softly, holding his eyes before nodding. "I will see you in two days. Would after your shift work?"

"No, my shift ends at midnight. The morning would be better. That way I have something to keep me busy while I think about it all," Oren said. The idea of being left alone with just his thoughts after a session wasn't an appealing one.

"Very well, morning," she said and booked the appointment into her diary.

"I guess I'll see you then. Thank you, Dr. Devin."

She watched him with a small smile, giving a nod. He wouldn't really mean it. Not yet. She understood how frustrating it had to be, to be backed into a corner. But she was confident it would help, that together they could make him better. "More than welcome," she said, meaning it as she watched him go.

[OFF]

Oren Idris, Ph.D.
Archaeologist/Anthropologist
USS Galileo

PO1 Pieter Van Zyl
Botanist
USS Galileo
[PNPC by Idris]

Lt. Prudence Devin
Chief Counsellor
USS Galileo

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