First Circle

Posted on 12 Sep 2014 @ 8:31pm by Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle & Petty Officer 1st Class Gabriel Stark

1,811 words; about a 9 minute read

Mission: Episode 06 - Legend of Souls
Location: USS Galileo: Deck 3 - Counselling Office
Timeline: MD 06: 1300

ON:

"Thank you for coming," Delainey offered, acknowledging Stark's effort with a nod. "Even though this is not a choice you perhaps wanted to make, you came here anyway, and as I tell others who come here under orders, I still give you credit for choosing to fight for your career."

Gabriel gave a half smile to that, nodding but shrugging at the same time. "Yeah, you kind of summed it up. The Commander made it pretty clear it was coming or going, if you get what I mean."

Carlisle nodded. "And you could have chosen to go, yet you're here. I'm wondering what led you to make that choice?"

"I want my career," he admitted quietly, shaking his head with a frown. "I've never lost it once before. I got a second chance. People don't often get second chances in life, I won't get a third," he spoke matter of factly, but with no malice. It made sense to him. He knew he was jolly lucky to have got the second chance after he'd been to prison.

"What do you suppose is the reason things have gotten to the point of mandated counseling?"

Gabriel shrugged with a frown, his hand reaching up to fiddle with the chain around his neck as he looked to the viewport. "That was ordered ages ago. When I was at the Academy. I just...sort of...'forgot' about it. They thought I might have some issues. Because I kept getting into trouble. I just don't like people who think they can go around intimidating or hurting other people...and I don't like people who think it's okay to let it happen instead of standing up to it. In fact, I almost dislike that more."

"So I've learned," Delainey replied. "I was there on the AT when you became upset with Lt. Stace. Will you tell me about the incident that led to you being ordered to counseling the first time?"

Gabriel was silent for a long moment, running the chain around his finger, feeling the gold links with a frown. "It was when I was let back into the Academy as enlisted personnel. They had concerns over how I'd gotten kicked out of officer training. You know...being arrested...going to prison..."

Gabriel sighed, rubbing his hand over his short, dark hair with a frown. He hated going into it. He hated being that crewman who'd done time. "We were at a club. Some idiots started making some jokes that I didn't like. They pushed it and I could feel my temper starting to go, but friends pulled me away and we got some more drinks in. The idiots came back later though. This time they started on my friend. They got lippy about how she looked and what they might like to do to her. One of them put his hands on her and she didn't like it, so.....I lost it. Fight broke out....we got arrested....I had prior warnings and...and I had drugs in my system," he said bluntly. He didn't use anymore, it was something he could say now. "So when I got my second chance as enlisted, Anderson, the Instructor who'd sponsored me in both courses, he ordered me to regular medical and counselling sessions."

"Medical sessions?" Delainey had heard the entire story and there was much to unpack psychologically, but her immediate concern was the possibility of a medical issue that had gone untreated. "Are you ill or hurt?"

Gabriel shrugged, shaking his head with a frown, licking his lips. "I used to use drugs, but I don't anymore. I think...I think they wanted to try and monitor me in case something physical was making the problems in my head worse. I don't know, I'm not a doctor."

"That makes sense," Delainey replied. "Depending on how long and what drugs you used, the doctors would need to be sure you hadn't damaged your body or built up a tolerance to prescribed drugs that mimicked the others. I can see you've lived through a lot, Gabriel, and I can also imagine you have a lot to be angry and upset about."

Gabriel frowned at the words, crossing his legs so his ankle was laid on his knee, watching his hands that were resting on his leg. "Starfleet was meant to be my chance to get away from home and start again, but I've messed up just as bad here."

"All hope is not lost," Delainey replied. "You're here when you could have given up, so that's something."

Gabriel nodded, frowning as he cleared his throat, watching his hands. "It's all I have left."

"That and your memories," she offered quietly. "I'm wondering if your anger has a lot to do with experiences you're trying to bury but can't, at least not for long?"

Gabriel was just silent for several long moments, staring at his hands. He was so tired of it all. The constant dull pain of it was exhausting. "What kind of experiences?" he asked quietly.

"Well, it could be anything," Delainey replied. "You could speak to the specifics better than I, but I can't imagine prison was something you'd want to remember per se."

"It wasn't the nicest place," Gabriel admitted, watching how his fingers interlaced with each other. "I was in a regular prison. It was a criminal conviction. It's the people in there. Scum of the universe. You grow a thick skin, you keep your head down, you try not to piss anyone off and you take one day at a time. I got...low though. Sometimes just a day at a time was too much. Sometimes...I didn't even want to make it to the end of the day."

"Will you tell me about those times?" She had to believe he was ready to open up about them if he was willing to admit there were times prison got to him emotionally. She didn't expect him to say more beyond trying to keep his head down.

Gabriel's frown deepened and his throat tightened. There were so many things he kept silent. They were easier when he kept them buried, locked down in his box of crap. But he was also tired. He was tired of messing up. He was tired of it all. He pulled his leg up to rest the foot on the edge of the chair, holding the leg close to his body and resting his head on the knee. "You have to stand up for yourself. If you don't, it's all over. Everything they say about the civvie criminal prisons is true. I still don't sleep well. I hate the small rooms here, they remind me of the cells."

"And what specifically do people say about civvie prisons is true?" Delainey asked. She got the impression Stark was dancing around a specific event or perhaps several.

"You know what," Gabriel frowned with near pain, rubbing his forehead before running his hands over his short, dark hair with a tight breath. "This wasn't some cushy Starfleet correction facility for officers who disobeyed an order or took a shuttle for a joyride. This was a real prison, with civvie criminals. Violent, possessive, bored...thieves, rapists, druggies, killers...and as you can guess, they didn't take well to figures of authority, not even ex-Starfleet cadets. I just wanted to keep my head down and remain unnoticed for the year. But that didn't happen. Not when you're forced to live with a cellmate."

"What did happen?" Delainey asked gently. She could see Gabriel wanted to open up, and the pain she saw in his face she attributed to keeping it within him. "I will listen, Gabriel. I will not judge, and I won't interrogate."

Gabriel's mouth was dry. He tried to convince himself that was the only reason why it was so difficult to form the words, to say it out loud. He tried, but they got stuck in his throat, making his heart race and his skin go clammy. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears. "I was attacked, more than once. A couple of breaks, a nice cut up face, got myself some black eyes, was touched up, threatened..." he tried to shrug it off, but his hands were clasped tight together. "You get through it. You just....distance yourself."

Delainey sensed there was much more to be told, but keeping in mind her promise not to interrogate, she offered, "That makes sense. You needed to survive. I imagine it's difficult for your brain and your body to make the transition now that you're not there anymore. Learning those lessons, I'd guess, is pretty powerful."

Gabriel nodded as he glanced back up to him, rubbing his thumb close under an eye, not having noticed that they'd reddened with threatening tears, his breath shaky. "I wasn't exactly straight in the head before prison, but...I hate sharing a small set of quarters. It's like being locked up with a cellmate again. I get edgy....my temper can flare...my sex life is just screwed up...I find it hard to trust...so much has happened, even before prison, I..." he shook his head, swallowing past his painfully tight throat. "My head is just so full, it hurts sometimes."

Delainey took no pleasure in bringing people to an emotional breaking point, whether anger or tears, but she knew there were times when a person needed an emotional release, and if they were willing to trust her and themselves in the right moment, sometimes some degree of implicit permission. "I think sometimes it's more work to keep it all inside than it is to just whatever is behind the anger out."

Gabriel shook his head, wiping his eyes as he let out an unsteady breath. "I come from a culture where you keep your problems and your emotions and your shame to yourself," he whispered. "It's....unseemly to express open emotions in front of others. Hell, if you ask 'how are you?' in greeting to someone, you don't expect a real answer, anything more than 'fine, thank you' is considered pretty damn vulgar. He looked down with a frown, swallowing hard as the nail of his thumb picked at a loose thread on his knee. "You keep your mouth shut. You keep it quiet and secret and don't cause a fuss. Never tell."

Gently, and in a light teasing tone that conveyed her words were meant to be taken in care, she asked, "How is that working for you? The headaches alone must be excruciating. I care beyond pleasantries, Gabriel, and I respect it's going to take time to trust me, but in the meantime, I'm just glad you're here."

OFF:

LT Delainey Carlisle
Counsellor
USS Galileo

PO1 Gabriel Stark
Security/Tactical
USS Galileo
[PNPC Blake]

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