"Unfounded Fear"

Posted on 06 Oct 2014 @ 12:13am by Senior Chief Petty Officer Keval zh'Erinov & Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle

3,471 words; about a 17 minute read

Mission: Episode 06 - Legend of Souls
Location: USS Galileo, Deck 3, Delainey Carlisle's Office
Timeline: MD6: 1700 hrs

ON:

After his encounter with Oren, Keval had spent some more time in the Arboretum, but that really hadn't helped things, hadn't dealt with the situation. He thought perhaps he could just let the matter slide, push it off and deal with it later. But then he got his orders. Orders he just couldn't comply with. So he decided he had no choice he had to go and talk with one of the counselors. His visit with the XO just confirmed this. So he made his way to the office.

Delainey was working on her session notes but was alerted by the department yeoman Keval was looking for someone to talk to. Because Delainey wasn't in session at the moment, it fell to her to attend to walk-ins. Deciding it was best to meet Keval and make her own assessment, she refrained from reviewing his file for the moment and left her office to greet him.

"Hello. I'm Delainey Carlisle. Would you follow me?"

"Of course Keval responded as he followed her back to what he assumed would be her office.

Delainey led the way into her office and gestured for Keval to make himself comfortable in her reception area. "Would you care for something to drink?" She couldn't tell thus far whether he was anxious to get to his concerns or if
he would appreciate the distraction.

"Water, as cold as you can make it without it being all ice, with some lemon," he requested as he took a seat.

It wasn't the most straight-forward request, but it wasn't the most complicated either, and Delainey had soon placed it in his hands. As she sat across from him, she said, "I gather something has upset you unexpectedly?"


He nodded as he took the drink. "You could say that." he took a sip of the water and relaxed slightly, "I have, for as long as I can remember, been somewhat claustrophobic. It was nothing that I couldn't handle though. Then I went down in the mine in that damned EV suit and I lost it. I panicked really. I even took off the helmet , because I couldn't take it.

I don't know why, but I just know I couldn't go back down there. The XO relieved me of that, but the catch was I had to come see a counselor. Not that I mind, I was actually going to do that anyway."

Delainey took a moment to fully absorb the other's words before offering, "What do you attribute the panic attack to? Why do you think your anxiety is worse now than before?"

"I don't really know. It just seemed overwhelming all of a sudden. Like everything was closing in on me. It was like a physical pressure around me. I know that's not possible because I was in the EVA suit, but it sure seemed like it was real at the time."

Delainey offered a sympathetic nod as she listened. She knew panic attacks created very real physiological reactions even if those reactions were preceded by unidentified irrational thoughts. "Have you been under particularly severe personal stress lately? I know the crew has as a whole, but I'm wondering if there's something in particular that's been on your mind?"

"No, quite the opposite as a matter of fact. I mean yeah I am dealing with the same thing everyone else is, but I met someone. I'm not saying I'm calling a wedding planner. I mean we only had one official date, but I like him and I think he likes me. How much we like each other I don't know. But I'm not stressing about it. Not really anyway."

"Not really?" The answer he'd given suggested he was stressed about the relationship more than he wanted to admit. Carlisle knew sometimes good things could create as much stress as bad things.

"Yeah, I guess its hard to explain. I'm kind of a relationship kind of guy. My last little encounter if you will was purely physical. Just a chance hook up at a bar. He was gone the next morning and I was a little disappointed. I felt like that could have turned into something more.

I think it's because he was part Betazoid, that I felt some kind of emotional connection. That and his story. But then later, after shore leave, I found out he was part of the crew.

Then Elijah came along. He was the polar opposite. King, gentle and mostly innocent and naive. On the date I mentioned he kissed me, for the first time. .. his first time to ever kiss someone. It was, well it was special. And we held hands, albeit briefly.

But it was just a date. That's all. A date. And I don't want to rush into something, or push him into something that neither one of us is ready for.

I don't even really knows if he wants a relationship. I don't think he knows."

Delainey took all of the other man's words in, and after a moment, she said, "That's a lot to have in your head right before an Away Mission that's potentially dangerous. It sounds like you have a lot to look forward to."

"I hope so, but I don't know. And I don't know why I should fear tight places. I used to hide in the closet. "He paused cocking his head to look at her. "I mean that literally, not figuratively. When my parents died I used to hide in their closet just to get away from everything."

Not knowing Keval's history personally as related by him, she was tempted to inquire further, but first, she offered, "Is it possible you now fear being confined physically and emotionally now that you see hope for something more openly fulfilling?"

Both of Keval's antennae curled backwards slight and he cocked his to the left. "I think the opposite maybe true, I rarely hookup with someone, it's just not me. I'd prefer a relationship where I an 'confined' as you put it.

My fear is more that I won't have the relationship I want, whether its with Elijah or someone else, than a relationship will tie me down."

Delainey nodded. "Then perhaps your panic attack was about fearing death and losing the opportunity to have what you truly want." Delainey paused, then added, "Though you've shared a little about what sounds like a very chaotic childhood. Would you be willing to tell me more about that?"

Keval took several deep breaths without saying anything. "It is something I try not to remember," he admitted. "As most Andorians, I had two sets of parents. It was a pretty typical beginning, I was a Starfleet brat. When I was eight i was at a friend's birthday party. When I came home I found my younger sister missing and my parents. all four of them, dead. Beheaded."

"I'm so sorry," Delainey offered sincerely. She was accustomed to keeping her emotions in check when hearing whatever others offered in session, but she was truly touched by what he related. "Has that been on your mind of late? Perhaps there's a specific anniversary of something traumatic coming up?"

"I got a letter from my father. The man that adopted me. It wasn't a pretty thing. He's being released from the Demearius 2 penal colony. He isn't exactly putting me on the top of his Christmas list."

"Will you tell me more about that?" It still wasn't clear how recently this was, but Carlisle was beginning to see there was plenty for Keval to be anxious about generally, even if the panic attack couldn't be tied to a recent event.

"My father was the CEO of Eagle Communications. They were a civilian contractor that has a contract for communications and security systems on some of Star fleet's newer ships. I was the CTo, Chief Technical Officer. To make an incredibly long story short, I found out that my someone in the company was using the technology for espionage. Corporate espionage, primarily, blackmail, things like that. Then I found out the person was my father.

I had no choice but to turn him in and testify against him. I thought I was doing the right thing. He and the rest of my family disagreed. I guess you could say I was de-adopted if there is such a term."

"I can't even begin to imagine how you must have felt about that," Delainey replied.

"It wasn't easy, isn't easy really. I don't really have a family any more. That's two that I've lost. I guess that's one of the reasons, I keep looking for a relationship."

"That makes sense," Delainey returned with a nod. "Away missions heighten people's sense of their own vulnerability. Perhaps the letter from your former adoptive father magnified those feelings of vulnerability and fear of being as unworthy as he would like you to feel."

"I can see that. It just made me angry at the time. Angry and hurt, but I can see how it would trigger those other things you mentioned."

"Anger is what's known as a secondary emotion, meaning people usually feel hurt or fear first, but some people react to those feelings by becoming angry. It makes them less vulnerable."

"I've never liked being vulnerable, or letting people see my weaknesses."

"What do you think those weaknesses are?" Delainey asked, believing this would allow her to better understand not just the external reasons for his anxiety, but the internal beliefs behind it. Wanting a family because his had been taken from him, or in his adopted father's case, rejected him, still didn't quite explain what Keval was telling himself to cause such distress.

"I'm not much good at relationships. Sex, yeah, I'm okay there. but relationships, hanging on to someone I care for, not so much. I wind up moving too fast or too slow, being too clingy, pushing too much.

The last guy I fell for, that I was with for almost a year, cheated on me. I had stayed at his place and left in the morning for an engineering class. I forgot a PAaD and after class came back to get it. I wasn't supposed to come back until dinner time.

Anyway, I let myself in and went to find the PAaD I knew right where I left it. On the nightstand. So i walked in and found Dylan in bed with two other guys. He tired to tell me it wasn't what it looked like, but it looked like he was blowing one guy, while taking it in his ass from the other.

Then there was that little one night stand that I had with our esteemed quartermaster. Yeah that went well

And now there's Elijah. I don't think he's capable of anything like that, but I don't even know if he really likes me. I don't think he really knows if he likes me."

Delainey noted Keval seemed to recognize the distinction between relationships based on love and respect and those based on sex, but she wondered if he recognized that his choices weren't just tied to sex, but self-esteem. "I get the real sense there's a big part of you that questions whether you're worthy of a long enjoyable life surrounded by people who care about you beyond what you can do with your body."

Both antenna curled forward as he cocked his head to the side, contemplating what she had just said. "Do I think I'm not worthy? I don't know maybe, I think at least from my perspective that is more wondering if it will happen. Luck more than worth. Things just haven't really worked out so far.

The last part you talked about is probably less accurate, though maybe I'm missing something. But I really don't sleep around. Other than that one little fling, I mentioned I'm only intimate with those I am in a relationship with."

"Perhaps the challenge stems from your definition of relationship," Delainey offered. "You mentioned you had a one night stand and now you seem very eager to turn what you have with Elijah into something serious even though you're trying not to get your hopes up. I'm wondering, for example, if you aren't the type to have sex with people you aren't in a relationship with, how the one night stand came about?"

"I can see your point Counselor. I actually spoke to a different Counselor about this when it happened. We were on shore leave and I was sitting at home bored. The Midnight Sun was just around the corner and there was a jazz band playing. I just live around the corner so I decided to go listen.


Elsworth came in and we started talking. Then one thing led to another. It had been more than a year since I'd had sex with anyone, closer to a year and a half. So, I wound up taking him back to my place."

"So what was it about that situation that led you to break your sex as part of a relationship pattern?"

"I don't know. I was lonely, horny, hard to say. Maybe it had to do with the fact he was Betazoid and played with my emotions. I felt, I don't know some emotional connection. He had a rather sordid past, I learned as we talked I felt sorry for him in away. He'd been through a lot.

He had been a prostitute, the only thing he could have done or the only thing he thought he could have done to survive. He'd been abused, or so he said. Anyway I even let him be the dominant one, because of that. Though that is something I rarely do.

I thought it could have turned into something more. But then the next morning, he was gone."

Delainey noted Keval felt as if his emotions had been played with, which suggested he felt somewhat distant from his decisions related to the one night stand. Carlisle wondered if he recognized how his own desire to feel needed and loved was what led him to override his own judgment. "Tell me more about the emotional connection you felt with him."

"I don't know, we just clicked. He seemed like a nice guy. He paid attention to me, pushed all the right buttons. When first started talking, I though maybe I'll invite him home, we'll listen to some jazz, or some Andorian Blues and maybe meet up again. Then he put his hand on my thigh, and... elsewhere and that thought went out the window.

He told me more of his story after we made out, Like I said he'd been abused, taken advantage of. I felt sorry for him and so I let him be on top. We fell asleep after, or at least I did. When I woke up he was gone."

"You mentioned he pushed all the right buttons. What buttons did he push that needed to be pushed, beyond the physical?"

"He was nice, didn't seem too pushy, he seemed to be considerate, asked a lot of questions and I think part of it was because he was a Betazoid and could read me. Part of it was more subtle than words, his body language, the way that he touched me. I don't mean sexually, I just mean touching."

"So, it sounds like beyond just being in a committed relationship where you feel loved, you'd like to feel respected, like someone wants to get to know you as a person, and you'd like someone to meet your need for physical touch. What sort of partner do you believe you should be in return?" It sounded like Keval was motivated to help people, and there was a part of him that felt compelled to help people, not merely in the ways he felt comfortable, but in the ways he believed would fix them to make them see him as desirable in return. Of course, the problem with wanting to fix people by being whatever is believed to be needed at the time is most of the time, it's easy to lose oneself in the process.

"Hey, you're pretty good at this Doc. Well I'd want to be totally committed to my partner. No wandering eye, no staring at some guy's ass. No flirting. . Someone that is going to be there for him, putting their needs ahead of mine, or at least on equal footing. Look out for them,care for them, be someone they could trust and rely on. Affectionate, but not clingy. I'd love him unconditionally , though I'd also hold them accountable. And as kind of an aside, I have plenty of money, I'm not in Star Fleet for the money."

"Tell me more about putting a potential partner's needs ahead of your own. What would that look like?"

"A few things come to mind; putting myself in harm's way to protect them, adapting to be a night owl instead of a morning person, stop being a neat freak if they like to leave stuff lying round, taking care of them even if I'm sicker, being a bottom instead of a top. I don't know that's about it for now."

"It sounds like you'd be willing to change a lot of who you are to please someone else?"

"I am for the right person, but I hope they're willing to make some changes too. Give and take isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be about?"

"Compromise in any relationship is a valuable tool," the counselor offered with a nod. "What parts of yourself do you think you're either unable or unwilling to change?"

"Well, I don't think I'd give up my career, at least not right away. I'm an artist, it's not just something that I do, it's part of something that I am, so I'm not going to give that up. And it's just part of my nature to be protective, if anyone puts someone I love in danger well it isn't a pretty thing. I can't really think of anything else at the moment."

It was an interesting answer to Delainey, because all things considered, he hadn't offered a lot of deal-breakers. Sometimes anxiety was as much about not knowing who to be or what to want as it was about not being accepted for those things. "Would you consider keeping a journal in which you rate your anxiety level at least twice a day? I was thinking you could use a 1-10 scale, where 1 is completely relaxed and 10 is the most anxious you've ever been. You could start rating yourself when you wake up and when you go to bed. Then if you noticed any times throughout the day or night where your rating was particularly high or low, you could note that too. I think it might help us identify some triggers."

"Sure, I can do that," he said,"if you think it will help. I don't think I'm going to get another pass at going down and doing my duty and besides this is something I want, I need to conquer."

"I'm glad to hear you're committed," Delainey replied. "If you remain motivated, any problem can be tackled."

"Well I am ready to conquer this, whatever it takes."

"That's great," Delainey replied with a smile. "Shall we arrange for another appointment in a few days?"

"Sure," Keval said, "that would be great. One last thing. Should I tell Elijah how I feel or do you think that would scare him off?"

Smiling wanly, she asked, "What do you think you should do?"

"I want to talk to him, but then I don't want to. I'm afraid to. Afraid of what he might say or do. Maybe I will just let him come to me. Wait until he's ready."

"It would also give you more time to figure out how you feel about him," the counselor suggested. "Feelings can change, especially if you're still getting to know him."

"I guess that's right. You know I feel like I've let him down. I've even flirted with other guys, been tempted, I feel like I've betrayed his trust."

"Have you considered the possibility the trust you may be betraying with your behavior is your own?" Delainey's gaze held Keval's. It seemed to her he wanted to make his issues about others when really his feelings came from within.

"Yes and no," Keval said after a pause, "or maybe I should say both, his and mine."

"That's a good start," Delainey replied, with an encouraging nod.

"Good, well I'll work on that. Thank you for your time and all your help."

"Of course," Delainey replied with a smile. "Anytime."

OFF:

Lt. Delainey Carlisle, M.D., Ph.D.
Counselor/Medical Officer
USS Galileo

COP Keval Grayson
Operations
USSGalileo

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