Skipper or Spinster?

Posted on 12 Sep 2014 @ 2:55am by Commander Andreus Kohl & Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle

1,659 words; about a 8 minute read

Mission: Episode 06 - Legend of Souls
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 7, Arboretum
Timeline: MD 07 - 0700 hours

[ON]

In the grass beside the nursery of amethyst gladiolus bulbs, a blanket had been set for a breakfast picnic. Dishes and cutlery were laid out for two, and a couple of anti-grav trays were floating nearby. One tray was set up with a tea service and the other loaded with a ring of sticky pastries within a ring of syrupy Argelian fruit and vegetables. Sitting atop the blanket was an Argelian officer, who was using a hand-held Sickbay sterifield generator to wash away the soil on the knees of his uniform. Glowing sterlizing radiation blasted away the dirt, leaving his uniform trousers pristine.

Entering the arboretum and quickly spotting her breakfast companion, Delainey smiled as she approached. Though it meant she'd had to wake up a bit earlier than usual so she could meet for breakfast before her shift, Carlisle didn't care and found that she'd been looking forward to it ever since they'd arranged it. The last time they'd met, she was reminded how much she enjoyed his company and how she'd been neglecting her own needs for companionship and laughter. Taking note of what he was doing and the creative way he was doing it, she chuckled, "Now I'll have to remember that the next time I spill something on my uniform, which if history is any indication, should be within the next hour."

At Delainey's self-depreciating humour, Kohl blurt out a sudden, bleating laugh. He said his hellos and good mornings, and he invited Delainey to sit with him on the blanket. "I think a tribble got into my garden; ate some of the bulbs," Kohl explained. He showed off his soily hands, and then set about cleaning them with the sterifields. "I got distracted from the picnic and was trying to salvage what I can."

"No need to worry about appearances with me," Delainey offered with a wave of her hand. "Though soil in your food isn't the best idea, taste wise. It is one way to get extra nutrition, I suppose," she added with cheer.

"Oh, no. Come now," Kohl said. He was smirking at Delainey; his words playfully delivered in a faux-chiding manner. He grabbed hold of the antigrav food tray and pulled it down near the plates. "Breakfast is no time for extra nutrition. It's the perfect opportunity for a cheat meal, because you have the whole day to metabolize it away."

Looking to Andreus with a twinkle in her eye before selecting a delicious pastry, she smiled. "I like the way you think, my friend. We are not choosing to eat our feelings, we are giving ourselves a morale boost, efficiently."

Kohl had to laugh at that, really laugh, and doubled over with the effort. That moment of catharsis was closely followed by a niggling concern. As he nudged a pastry onto his plate and topped it with fruit, Kohl remarked, "I didn't know you were living with feelings making you uncomfortable enough to swallow them away... When we meet, I usually can't stop talking about my own charming self."

It felt as good for Delainey to make Andreus laugh so sincerely. It wasn't often she could take credit for something like that in her day job. "That's ok," Delainey quickly reassured. "We all have feelings," she added non-chalantly. "I guess eating something delicious helps at times."

Using the edge of his fork, Kohl cut a bite-sized piece away from the pastry. He studied the pastry intently as he did so. "And what feelings have you been feeling of late?" asked Kohl.

This was a bit of a moment of truth, and as much as a part of Delainey wanted to dismiss her own concerns out of greater concern for her friend, she knew it wouldn't be fair of her to expect the honesty to flow in only one direction. Andreus was her friend, just like Scarlet, and she had to mentally give herself permission to allow the support to come both ways.

"I guess I'm just feeling a little conflicted career wise, which I know you can completely understand. It's not that I'm looking for a pat on the back so much as I'm wondering if I'm at least good enough to remain in the Fleet at all. Scarlet's my friend, and I'm happy for her, I really am. It's just..." Delainey paused. She hadn't shared these feelings with anyone but Scarlet herself, and it was clear she was embarrassed by them. "At about the same time Starfleet Medical took away my title of Chief Counselor for what I thought was supposed to be an opportunity for me to help out in sickbay more regularly, Scarlet gets promoted to Chief Counselor above me. We made that work, and I didn't begrudge her that because I knew it wasn't decided by her...not really. I focused on the notion it would allow me to be present in sickbay more often. It didn't feel good, but I accepted it was the will of the brass way above me. Then, Scarlet gets promoted in rank and position to Second Officer, and I swear, it felt like I blinked and the next week, it was another pip and she was First Officer. Teth arrived, and he earned his Lieutenant's pips in short order too."

Delainey looked down and when she looked up, she smiled wanly. "I guess it just makes a girl think, you know? I love what I do, and I can't imagine not just putting my head down and doing what needs to be done. I really don't want to be a complainer either. I'm just trying to figure out if I missed something, and there's a part of me who really hopes I'm not the last person in on the bad news somewhere."

"In your experience," Kohl asked, holding his eye-contact with Delainey, "what would bad news look like-- What would be the worst news?"

"Nothing at all like what you've been through," Delainey replied with a shake of her head, "which is why I need to stop even sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Being alive is a gift, and even if I get thrown out of the entire Fleet for just not being leadership material, it doesn't mean I can't help people, right?"

"Could you choose? If you had to choose? What would you choose here and now, ignoring the past and the consequences?" Kohl asked. In part, he didn't want to talk about what he had been through anymore, but in part, he felt like he entirely didn't know his friend. Didn't know what motivated her. He said, "Would you be a leader or would you help people?"

"Ideally, in Starfleet, I thought I'd get to do both," Delainey replied with a shrug. "Helping people is my priority," she replied honestly, "though I can't be much of a workaholic if I'm not striving for something, now can I? If not, I'm just a potential spinster running in place," she added with a grin. Delainey valued her work, and to her, advancing in position was just a natural part of it. She wasn't an ego maniac by any means, but she did have an ego just like everyone else.

"Do you think you could sacrifice one, just for a little while?" Kohl asked. The question in his timbre was genuinely uncertain -- exploring the discussion with an open-mind. "Help your patients during your shift, meet the expectations of your duty, but spend any of your discretionary effort on developing your leadership competencies?"

"I suppose that would require me to discount leadership as part of meeting an expectation of my duty," Delainey replied honestly. "As I said, I don't think of myself as an ego-maniac, as someone motivated primarily by pips or pats on the back, but it is hard to ignore how my desire to be seen as a capable leader impacts my day to day work. I mean, the brass have expectations for people at every rank, and I guess I've internalized them too. It's challenging not to take my lack of progress in comparison to everyone else personally, but you know that."

Kohl chewed on a sticky bun thoughtfully, considering its shape and texture as if it were the most complex of mathematical puzzles. He felt some small shame for trying to simplify a complex issue, which Delainey was living with and struggling through. "Have the Galileo leadership team," Kohl thought to ask, "given you any specific feedback lately?"

Delainey took the opportunity to munch on her own breakfast, because she was hungry but also because this was where she knew her feelings had no basis in logic. "Scarlet has said she appreciates my efforts and values my contributions. As for Captain Holliday, he hasn't praised me per se, but he hasn't reprimanded me either so I admit, I really don't have evidence for what I fear, and in fact, I have some evidence to the contrary, I suppose."

"Well then, that's promising," said Kohl. And then he finished chewing and swallowing the food in his mouth. "Does that kind of feedback motivate you in any particular direction?"

Swallowing her food and taking a moment to think, she offered, "They wouldn't lie to me. I know that. I just think sometimes there's a way not to lie but not tell the full truth either. It's just, I'm noticing that other people are moving faster is all, and it does leave me with questions."

"You're in luck then," Kohl said sardonically, "waking up in the morning usually leaves me with questions. I'm well familiar with that feeling, and you're in good company."

"It's a relief to have permission to admit being this confused about something in public," she replied with a grin.


[OFF]

Lieutenant Andreus Kohl
Assistant Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo

Lieutenant Delainey Carlisle, M.D., Ph.D.
Counselor/Medical Officer
USS Galileo

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