Sharpening of insight

Posted on 20 Feb 2014 @ 11:20pm by Ensign K'os Beaumont
Edited on on 20 Feb 2014 @ 11:31pm

1,888 words; about a 9 minute read

Mission: Episode 05 - Solstice
Location: Temporary Enlisted Quarters - San Francisco
Timeline: MD 30 - 0600

Petty Officer Beaumont opened his eyes and focused them on the texture of the bunk above his head moments before the soft buzzing of his clock alarm went off. He reached a thick arm over and flicked it off quickly so he didn't disturb his bunk mates. Above him someone stirred but then went quiet. It was not unusual to be this quiet at this hour. K'os was usually one of the first few up at this time. He rolled out of bed without groaning or protesting; the aches and pains his friends seemed to have when they woke up were not present. His eyes were alert, and he didn't seem as lethargic as you'd expect for having been asleep all night. The only tell-tale sign was his hair sticking up in places. He looked down at his feet and remarked how cold the flooring was as he flexed his toes and the muscles in his ankles. He straightened his back, squaring his chest and shoulders. Breathing deeply he inhaled through his nose priming his concentration, turning it inward like a plasma beam.

The remnants of the dreamscape his mind had created overnight still lingered and he took the time to pick through each piece of information. The images and thoughts were as disjointed as any other Human's dream would be, but with a clear and concentrated exertion he pulled the meaning out of them by analyzing each emotion that rose. One particular dream involved him being eaten whole by one of his data devices, then being washed away by warm water while each image had the accompanying feelings of acceptance and hope. He quickly discerned that his mind had simply been processing his Bali experience again. With his exhalation, the thoughts and confused feelings were gone. The time it took to processes through all of it was more like a few seconds; to K'os it felt like minutes. He had learned to do this on his own when he was a teenager, when the process took many actual minutes to do. He found when he took the time each morning to do this technique it took his brain less time to process the emotions that arose from dreaming overnight. Because of the flooding of associated emotions that his Vulcanoid biology produced meant he used to wake up disoriented, moody and confused for most of the morning till his hybrid brain unconsciously had time to process it while awake. This new technique was tidy and quick. After having a coffee and reading the news headlines K'os quickly pulled on an old Starfleet gym tshirt and grey sweatpants.

As usual for this time, there were only a small amount of people in the common area of the enlisted temporary housing. He continued past them with quiet 'hellos' being exchanged with some of them. After a short walk and quick elevator ride, he had arrived at the gym. It was one of a few he'd found during his morning wanderings, and he liked this particular gym for it's small and infrequently used space. Mirrors lined the room, except for the large window on the east facing wall. There were the usual weight machines, and bar bells, but also some other non-human designed equipment. He retrieved a mat from the stack and brought it to the window.

He sat, crossing his legs and resting his hands on his knees. He could see the tops of some trees, and a lot of buildings but there were very few hovercars about. He briefly watched the edge of the sun as it rose through the morning sky then closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He applied the Vulcan technique, which to him always felt like the skin pulled on his temples applying pressure. With his concentration focused and his emotions suppressed. He noticed the texture of the mat through his pants; the sound of the ventilation system; the sensation of the breath as it passed through his nostrils; the brightness of the sun through his eyelids. When his mind sharpened his awareness he brought that attention inwards like he had done in his room. His mind was clearer than when he first woke except instead of sifting through memories of his dream, he began the process of his meditation routine.

Focusing his concentration on solely his breathing and the sensation of the breath passing through his nostrils, everything else just sort of evaporated from his thoughts. He continued to breath in and out for a few minutes. A voice in the hallway outside the gym briefly drew his attention, but he calmly brought it back to his breathing. This process happened over several minutes. Each time his attention wandered, he would gently return it to his breathing. When his attention finally settled for a little while he slowly relaxed the part of his Vulcan physiology that controlled his emotions, easing the tension from his temples. An involuntary bemused smile tugged at his cheeks at the realization that there was no rush or flooding of emotional stimuli that usually happened when he released his control. His thoughts immediately turned to Ellsworth.

Had he been Human, perhaps his thoughts of Ellsworth would stray to thoughts of doubt over the future of their relationship, jealousy that the Betazoid might bond with someone else, or fear that he wasn't satisfying enough to the Risan raised man. Those thoughts simply never manifested. In this moment he was just K'os, sitting on a mat thinking fondly of a person he'd come to love deeply through a shared experience. This K'os would cease to exist when he opened his eyes and he would be experiencing something different. Human's are a species deeply affected by their emotional attachment to things and other people. So much so, that when the things that they are attached to cease, as all things do, the feelings for that person or thing changes. His infant brother, fully Human, grows attached to a stuffed animal because it brings him comfort. Eventually that stuffed animal will grow old and fall apart, or be lost for any number of reasons. This will cause sadness, anger, frustration, and anxiety for his brother. By not allowing himself to be controlled by emotional attachment, and seeing things as impermanent K'os knew the transient nature of love and lust held no control over him either. Ellsworth was young, and had many more years worth of experiences to enjoy. But their relationship was just as transitory as his brother's toy. Eventually, like all things, their relationship would end. It was the when that was variable. Whether it ended by Ellsworth telling him he'd found someone else to bond with or they remain companions until death; inevitably the relationship would come to an end. Restricting Ellsworth from his experiences with other people only worked to foster jealousy and pain, feelings he didn't enjoy at all. K'os perferred to cultivate love and happiness; and that was only achieved by embracing the moment, and not becoming attached to the feelings that arose from being with him. He loved him and that was all that mattered to K'os.

Had he been Vulcan, he would have logically and methodically banished these thoughts altogether as an irrelevant exercise. The merit in reviewing ones emotions was lost on his cousins. The goal being to not feel them to begin with, the basis of Kholinar meditation was centered on this; leveraging the natural abilities inherent in the Vulcan species to purge them from their mind.

But he was neither Human, nor Vulcan. He was K'os Beaumont. Even the very cultural amalgamation of his name reflected that he was not wholly Vulcan like his mother, T'ress or Human like his father, Cole Beaumont. Being a hybrid of two species that categorically separated someone into clear definitions was a lonely experience for a lot of Human/Vulcan hybrids. The idea that because he was part Vulcan, the only course of action was to live his life fully as a Vulcan. The very arrogance of that assumption was unacceptable to K'os. He was under the belief that the only way for him to have a happy and healthy life was to cultivate his unique abilities and sharpen his concentration. To continue moving through each moment of his experiences with clear insight. Human's and indeed many species blindly followed their emotions. Their entire thought process and decision making process are guided and controlled by how they feel about a situation -- psychologically and biologically. Vulcan's had long ago found that, for them, purging emotional stimuli until they could think with a rational and logical thought process was the best course of action for their hyperemotionalism. K'os was not bound by either of those rigid and inflexible physiological adaptations.

He continued to meditate for a long time, gaining more insight into his thought process. Rather than purge emotions from his mind using Vulcan meditation practice, he embraced them, detached himself from them, analyzed them and only allowed the emotions that made him happy or feel good to affect him physiologically. He didn't purge negative emotions like anger or fear, but instead detached his response to them, and after realizing the roots as to why he felt anger or fear those kinds of thoughts seemed to come less and less often.

The thought of Ellsworth came to mind again and he concentrated on the details of his face and body. His heart rate did not increase nor did his breathing ever falter from the steady rising and falling of his chest. He did however note the feelings of love that he felt for the man; the pride from having him love him back; the eroticism of the smaller man's touch. Gone were any traces of doubt, fear, or confusion. Had a doctor been monitoring what was going on in his brain they would have noted the lack of chemical response with the emotional stimuli. His brain didn't release oxycontin, and his serotonin levels remained the same. He gently pushed the thoughts away and returned his attention to his breathing. His mind naturally stilled and calmed without having to use the Vulcan muscle in his brain. He remained focused on his breathing for a long time, his mind completely void of thoughts for a long time. He remained like this until his concentration faltered again. When he suddenly focused on the warmth of the sun on his face he opened his eyes and blinked from the brightness of the morning. He looked at his watch and was pleasantly surprised at the time. When he had first started this meditation routine a year ago he could only go a few minutes without thinking of anything. This was the longest session he'd been able to perform to date. Perhaps it was the telepathic bonding he had done with Ellsworth or perhaps it was the daily practicing that had finally paid off, but a whole hour had gone by and K'os felt refreshed and content.

With a goofy grin on his face he stood and rolled up the mat. He was now ready to start his day. And what a beautiful day it was.


[OFF]

PO3 K'os Beaumont
Energy Systems Specialist
USS Galileo

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