A Heart Needs A Home (Part 3)

Posted on 04 Feb 2014 @ 6:33pm by Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson & Ensign K'os Beaumont

3,823 words; about a 19 minute read

Mission: Episode 05 - Solstice
Location: Chicago/San Francisco, Earth
Timeline: MD 22 - 1930 hrs

Previously, on A Heart Needs A Home (Part 2)...

Some may have found the emotional outburst childlike, filled with the sense of wonder that one had when experiencing things in the world for the first time. But Ellsworth could feel it on a deeper level and knew it represented a relaxation of the controlling grip K'os always kept on his emotions. Something about feeling the unbridled passion behind the outburst was sensual to him, and he could feel his own heart quicken for completely different reasons. An impulse inside of him began to grow more insistent, hungry.

And Now, the Conclusion...

[ ON ]

The sound of a dropped utensil on a plate cut through the dampening effect around the booth and reminded him of where they were, bringing his own feelings in check before they spiraled down into an emotional feedback loop. His cheeks burned hot with shame for a moment; sometimes being a Betazoid was more curse than blessing. Still, he couldn't help but look longingly at K'os out of the corner of his eye.

"I know," Ellsworth said, grinning as he sensed K'os's thrill, "I'm not really scared of heights but I feel the same way. Maybe we can take a peek before we lea-"

"Compliments of the house," the Bolian server said, interrupting as he presented a bottle of wine for inspection. As intimate as the space was, it also seemed to make it impossible to tell when someone was approaching.

K'os gave the server a startled, annoyed look at the sudden intrusion. He relaxed when he saw who it was. His cheeks flushed in anger at himself. Letting go control had a downside too. He pretended to be interested in what the bottle was, then looked at the other man.

Ellsworth squinted to see the label and then nodded, knowing absolutely nothing about Terran wine vintages. He assumed "the house" wouldn't send a bottle of something cheap or tasteless. The Bolian uncorked the bottle and presented the cork to Ellsworth, who looked it over to check for any deterioration. He nodded and the Bolian poured small amounts in two glasses before standing back two steps; was he actually looking down his nose? That was a testament to the training of their servers, Ellsworth thought, as he'd never seen a Bolian look down their nose on anyone.

He lifted the wine glass to his nose, smelled its bouquet as he swirled it around the glass, then took an exploratory sip. His eyebrows went up in delight and surprise. The taste wasn't too dry or overwhelming; in fact, he thought he tasted hints of Terran fruit like strawberries or plums, maybe some cherries. The young Betazoid nodded his approval and then turned to K'os to see his opinion.

He winced initially as he brought the wine to his lips. He anticipated the usual astringent taste he found unpleasant about wine but he relaxed his expression when the first sip proved to have depth. He took another sip before placing it down in front of him. His fingers played with the stem. The subtle fruit flavours conjured more memories of their island adventure and he shared a private smile with Ellsworth as the Bolian started talking.

"We understand this is a special occasion. The chef will take your orders momentarily," the Bolian droned, somehow effecting an accent that seemed completely at odds with the typical personality of his species. He gave them a lingering, withering look and then disappeared as suddenly as he'd appeared.

He clenched his jaw at the sudden rise in annoyance at the Bolian's look which caught K'os off guard again. Why was he staring at them like that? He took another sip of the wine. Focusing instead on the long luscious flavours of the wine again. The finish was pleasant with all the finesse of a great wine. He focused on the pleasures it brought with it. As the fruit flavours passed over his tongue it conjured the memory of Ellsworth's mouth. The effect was as subtle as the taste of the wine and it worked to dull his annoyance, even if it put a dopey grin on his face.

Ellsworth felt guilty for his telepathic eavesdropping but he'd never seen, or felt, someone experience wine quite like K'os did. The half-Vulcan's dopey grin was reflected in his dining companion, who seemed more and more enamoured as time passed by.

"For a first date, maybe we're setting the bar a little high," Ellsworth mused. "I think our pre-date was even more lavish. How are we going to top this?" When he turned to look at K'os, he felt like he was at a loss for words. The common denominator in their experiences hit him suddenly - he'd spent plenty of time on island resorts and fancy restaurants, but none of those experiences had been with K'os. His presence, his strength, his barely contained hyper-emotionalism... They changed everything.

He turned away before he blurted out something prematurely and pointed out the window to the place where the buildings gave way to green space. "I think you can kinda see the ice skating rink from here..."

K'os reluctantly took his eyes off Ellsworth and gazed out at the landscape, towards the direction of the ice rink. "Yes, I can see it there I believe." He pointed. His hand dropped back to play with the stem of his wine glass. The smoothness of the glass brought a touch memory of silk sheets. K'os couldn't help but return his gaze back to Ellsworth and reflect on the younger man's words. It was just the nature in how he perceived his experiences, but to him there was no bar to set.

"In regards to outdoing our lavish pre-date," He leaned in across the table, careful not to knock the wine over, "I find it hard to believe, Ellsworth Hudson, that you do not have a contingency plan for that as well." He smiled widely.

Ellsworth's breath caught in his throat as K'os leaned closer to him; he looked something akin to a trapped animal, but one who had been willingly caught. In his eyes was reflected a need, a want, a desire to be pinned down under the intensity and scrutiny of that blue-grey gaze. The fervor of his own emotions - vacillating between love and lust - were only compounded by what he sensed from K'os. The effect brought him to the precipice of telepathically-induced paralysis, like being stunned by an emotional current.

When he spoke, his voice had a distracted quality to it. He was far more focused on the lewd and amorous thoughts pouring through his mind and controlling the thing divide between thoughts and actions. "What can I say? I'm a planner..." He realized he'd been holding his breath and finally released it; the few that came after it were ragged and poorly controlled. He felt a surge of pride from restraining his urges at the same time that he felt disappointment from the same. "I think the third surprise will outdo everything else. But that's after dinner! I'm starving."

With sparkling eyes he finally managed to break eye contact. His left hand, out of sight, had been holding the booth in a death grip the entire time. His wrist and arm ached from the exertion, though he was thankful that it had managed to anchor him in place. Private booth or not, he doubted this was the sort of establishment that just turned a blind eye to the inclinations of a Betazoid male in the throes of a young love affair.

When he broke eye contact K'os shook himself out of his thoughts and sat back, dragging his wine glass with him. He took another sip. Like an inaudible sigh of release, he removed the Vulcan grip on his emotions. Allowing himself to experience them in waves of conflicting feelings. Frustration from the Chef's interruption when he took their food order; joy at the sound of Ellsworth's laughter; anger at his continued self doubts regarding Ellsworth's feelings; swelling of love when he touched him; fear of rejection, followed by anger, followed by thoughtful reminders to himself to let go of attachment. All these feelings swirling around his head as they ate, some becoming stronger than others. Sometimes it verged on overwhelming, sometimes it was a dull undertone.

His expressions were at times animated and lively, other times pensive. The feelings of anger, frustration, annoyance and fear faded faster than joy, happiness, lust, and love but they all intermingled. K'os was oblivious to any affect it had on his companion. But the way he laughed with him, argued with him, and touched him, it was as if he were riding his own torrent of feelings. K'os had no sense of time anymore, forgetting if they'd ordered yet or already finished eating. He was currently sipping another glass of wine, without knowing how many they'd now had. He was leaned in close again, with his right elbow on the table holding his glass. Their already private conversation, seemed even more private now and his breathing was faster with the intensity of their interactions. His attention shifted from the smoothness of the leather booth, the tinkling of cutlery in the restaurant, smell of dessert on Ellsworth's breath. It was more intoxicating than the wine.

=-=-=-=-=

Ellsworth's mind had started to feel a little hazy under the effects of too much wine, but he'd still had enough clarity of thought to take advantage of an opening to get them out of the restaurant when the server appeared with a PADD outlining the cost of their meal. In fact, he was thankful for the Bolian's interruption as he could feel the wine loosening his already weak grip on discipline and control. Feeling K'os's emotions had taken him on a whirlwind that was far more intoxicating than the fermented beverage; the thought of their bond and all the carnal memories of Nusa Lembongan had started to become all-consuming before that blue head had mercifully popped around the corner of the booth.

He'd given his thumbprint to the PADD without hesitation, almost recklessly - no price was too high to pay to achieve the deep feeling of satisfaction that had come from all the excitement and tension of their meal. Being alone in the confined space of the elevator with K'os on their way out of the building had almost been overwhelming. He kept his eyes closed most of the way down, but he could still hear K'os's breathing and feel those blue-grey eyes on him. Even in the darkness behind closed eyelids, he was all too aware of the EMERGENCY STOP button in front of him. The only thing that prevented him from satisfying his baser needs was the promise of fulfilling a greater one.

Thankfully the walk back through the cold to the transporter hub chilled the fire in his veins, taking his mind off more bawdy matters, and allowed him to joke and laugh with K'os as they walked the streets of Chicago. By the time they arrived back at Ellsworth's empty bunk in San Francisco, the intimacy of their restaurant experience had faded into memory and been replaced by an increasing nervousness about what was to come.

"I asked my roommate to give us some time," Ellsworth said, refusing to make eye contact as he slipped his shoes off. The whole walk from the restaurant had been giddy and silly, full of teases and jokes and horseplay, but the new mood - reflected in Ellsworth's averted eyes - was serious. With his suit coat over the back of a chair, vest unbuttoned, shirt untucked and cuffs rolled back, he looked a little disheveled, vulnerable, sitting on the bed. Even his normally perfect hair seemed mussed. "The last surprise is... Something I want to show you. If you're okay with it. I...I know it makes you tired."

Ellsworth finally turned his eyes up and held his bare hand out.

K'os in that moment would have done just about anything he said. With a smooth motion he took his suit jacket off and placed it over top Ellsworth's on the back of the chair as he moved to the bed. They clasped their hands together as K'os sat down. "It tires me when I try to control it." He started to feel the beginnings of the telepathic connection. "And I don't think I have much control left." It was more of a warning to himself than to Ellsworth.

The half-Vulcan sat close to Ellsworth and felt his cheeks flush suddenly feeling vulnerable--no, he felt Ellsworth's vulnerability. He instinctively put his free hand to the other man's face. The finger tips tingled stronger there and the connection felt deeper. He felt the touch of his hand as if it were on his own face.

Ellsworth closed his eyes as the sensation took hold. For him, it was something like jumping to warp - the beginning generated a lot of stress, it was overwhelming, and he felt like everything around him was exaggerated. But if he held on long enough, steadfastly enough, then the connection seemed to stabilize. Everything was still move blazing fast, emotions and memories in a roaring torrent, but he could move through them smoothly. Or they could move through him smoothly; it was unclear which was the case.

Once the initial intensity passed, he moved his hand up to clasp around K'os's wrist. He thought he could feel the half-Vulcan's pulse through his own thumb, or maybe it was his actual heart beating. The point at which one of them ended and the other began seemed even more difficult to distinguish this time, and he realized in a moment of clarity just how much discipline and control K'os had been exerting before.

"I want you to know," he began but the words sounded distant, distorted and inadequate. He'd prepared a whole speech, but suddenly he couldn't remember it.

Being with K'os had given him to a new level of appreciation for the telepathic communication his species favored; verbal communication could be so limited. Since his extensive session with Lieutenant Miir, Ellsworth had been practicing how best to convey his feelings to K'os. The counselor had emphasized the need to be open and honest about one's feelings so that moving forward they could be on the same page; unfortunately, Ellsworth had never been very good at talking about his feelings. He could experience them and embrace them, swim through them like an ocean, but he always fell short when looking to talk about them. The bond between the two of them had been a relief from the moment they first touched, as it was a medium that bridged the gap between the overwhelming intensity of his feelings and his inability to adequately express them.

So he finished his thought with an actual thought, easing it into Ko's's mind with as much finesse as he could manage, ...how I feel about you. I want you to feel it, not hear it...

Even though he'd practiced and rehearsed, even though he wanted more than anything to show K'os everything, he still held on to control until the last moment out of fear. Fear of what K'os might think, fear that they wouldn't move forward together, fear of rejection. Teetering on the edge, he opened his eyes and the moment he locked eyes with K'os he let go; any resistance or hint of fear found their end in the blue-grey depths.

The anxiety seemed a lifetime away as every feeling Ellsworth held in his heart came flowing out. With the window into his soul open, he expressed all the fulfillment he felt in the other man's arms; he showed his quest to understand and appreciate love; he shared his discovery that such a thing as love did exist, and it existed as the bond he felt with him; he conveyed his hope for a future together filled with the love and appreciation and affirmation for one another that they might not otherwise find as vagabonds in their own cultures. Lastly, he expressed his need to be loved, deep-seated and rooted in stolen parents, acceptance denied, and the hollow, meaningless experiences of his more recent life.

With acceptance and without judgement he watched Ellsworth give in to the mind meld. As sloppy and chaotic and undisciplined as it was, it was still a connection that bonded their minds together. "Alax." He whispered with his eyes closed, not conscious of his own words. The memories that Ells had of his home prior to Risa were filled with pain and loss. What little control he had left he decided to spend on giving him the only gift he could think was appropriate in this moment. He focused his attention on his breath. The feeling of it going in through his nose and passing back out his mouth. Flexing the telepathic muscle in his mind, he focused his concentration on Alax/Ells emotions.

The fear, and pain he felt about his life prior to Risa also held the love he had for his parents. It was suffocating under the weight of negative emotions. He dampened them as he did his own. He concentrated on disconnecting, weeding out and overwhelming the negative emotions his associations of his memories were producing. Then swelled the feelings of love. Thoughts of his parents were brought to both their conscious mind with clarity. He heightened the feelings of love and compassion. He could literally feel himself creating what felt like new neural pathways as the connections to those memories became stronger and more clear. Thoughts of his own mother came forward. Her death at the hands of a drunk hovercar driver produced pain, but he eased that away as well, cultivating instead the memories of her smile and her love for him. They were one, sharing their experiences and memories as if it happened to each of them. Nothing was left but the mutual feelings of love and acceptance for each other. K'os didn't know what the future held, but for now he just wanted to lose himself in front of the first person he'd ever truly felt this kind of attachment to. With all the feelings of doubt temporarily purged, he saw their feelings with a clear objective mind. He was convinced of their genuineness and he knew in that moment, that their minds were bonded. Not from some sloppy trick of his physiology, but truly melded. He felt himself losing the last bit of control, and wished he could prolong it.

Ellsworth hadn't heard his real name in four years. He realized it had been nearly forgotten, neatly filed away in a part of his mind with all the other suppressed, unpleasant memories: "Alax, I'm so sorry, your parents are gone," "No one wants you here, Alax," "Why can't you just be normal, Alax?," "Alax Elren to Ellsworth Hudson, is that correct?" He gave a feeble, impotent push back against them as the memories rushed to the surface; they were painful enough to make him want to wince. But he knew he exerted very little control over the experience - he only had the capacity to process the feelings but not alter their flow. K'os was the one with the control and despite the briefest moment of pain Ellsworth soon felt like he had fallen back into a warm, gentle embrace. Strong hands were at his back supporting him and urging him forward through a hazy whirlwind that promised to scrub away all pain and sorrow.

Emerging on the other side, Ellsworth felt light. He felt like some otherworldly being, existing in a plane without respect for space or time. He wasn't even sure who he was - Alax, Ellsworth or K'os - though he felt like one of them and all of them at the same time. His plan had been to confess his feelings, to say "I love you - I want to be with you" and hope for some mutual agreement. Now in this place between places, this mind within minds, those words didn't begin to do justice to the purity of emotion within their one heart.

Looking to the future he realized he was detached from all things, feeling neither fear nor anxiety, and knew that must come from K'os. With lucidity he would never have achieved on his own he acknowledged that it was impossible to tell what might happen between them, how their lives might unfold, but the bond between them was undeniable and comforting. It would be a lamp to guide his way through darkness; a joy to dispel his sorrow; a sea to quench his thirst; a balm to ease his suffering; a tower of strength in his moments of weakness; a dew to the soil of his parched heart; and a breath of life for his lifeless body.

It had been instinct that drove K'os to try for the deeper connection. Something he'd never done before. When his control diminished and he returned to the same chaotic mess of feeling he eased his hands off Ells face. He felt a little ashamed at pushing the experience but he felt the other telepath regain control again. He hoped the sense of clarity gave him the insight he sought. He leaned in slowly as if being pulled by forces beyond his control. He felt Ells' breath on his neck quicken. He reached the hand that was moments ago glued to the young man's face and deftly loosened Ells tie. Then he released his hand; surprised that the connection didn't lessen and brought that hand up to run through Ells hair. He felt the stir of passion, but he had no control left to curb it. His chin rested on the side of Ells temple as he held the back of his head close. Slowly, tenderly, he tilted Ells head up and their lips met.

Feeling K'os's hand through his hair brought back to life everything he'd been feeling in the Chicago restaurant and more. It was the sort of need that had nothing to do with his hormones or his species; rather, it was love seeking to find physical expression in intimate contact. He fell into the kiss in a headlong rush, hungry to physically surrender himself to their bond just as he'd done both mentally and emotionally.

With no small amount of reluctance, he pulled back mere centimeters from the kiss and stared into K'os's eyes. His own were wide and wet and eager, a reflection of his willing surrender and surging passion. Every word he whispered served to brush their lips back together again, fanning the flames, "Now I understand love...."

[ END ]

PO3 K'os Beaumont
M/E Systems Specialist
USS Galileo

&

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo

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