Second Chances

Posted on 23 Aug 2013 @ 5:04pm by Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle & Petty Officer 1st Class Gabriel Stark

1,736 words; about a 9 minute read

Mission: Episode 04 - Exodus
Location: USS Galileo: Deck 3 - Counsellor's Office
Timeline: MD -01: 1500

[ON]

Gabriel held his breath with a slight frown as he pressed the chime to the counsellor's office. His foot tapped anxiously on the floor as he waited. More counsellors. He supposed he'd put it off long enough. After message reminder number three that he was due for his counselling check up, he finally thought that perhaps it was time to go.

"Come in," Delainey called, surprised to have a visitor. She didn't have an appointment as far as she could recall. The doors hissed open automatically.

Gabriel moved in and glanced around, taking a deep breath. His eyes were even darker than usual as he mused on being there, his lips pursed. "Stark. Gabriel Stark," he offered, even if she'd know who he was.

Carlisle allowed polite surprise show on her face as she gestured for him to take a seat in her reception area. "I was beginning to think I was going to have to send the hounds for you, Mr. Stark. I'm Counselor Delainey Carlisle," and here she offered her hand.

Gabriel offered an awkward smile as he took the hand, giving it a firm shake. "Nothing personal, Counsellor. It just been a busy time, you know? Security has been stretched across about a thousand surveys."

Delainey smiled in return and met his firm shake with one of her own. "I understand. I'm just glad you're here. The hounds can be rather noisy," she added with a wink. Carlisle gestured for Gabriel to take a seat in any of her various chairs in her reception area. "May I get you something from the replicator?"

Gabriel shook his head lightly as he sat down. His leg jigged slightly up and down and he lifted his thumb to his mouth, biting the skin around the nail with a frown. Despite having tried to play it down, he was nervous. Because psych evals, especially with his background, could be the difference between a career and not having one.

Noticing the man's nervousness, Delainey sat and explained, "I like to use these initial meetings just to get to know people and make sure they're doing ok. I think it's better for people to at least know a counselor they can turn to if they ever need it."

Gabriel nodded in agreement, letting out a long breath. "Thing is, I'm sort of meant to see a counsellor regularly. I had to when I first started out in Starfleet. It was part of the deal," he cleared his throat, setting his clasped hands onto his knees.

Carlisle nodded. "Your record indicates that, but that doesn't make getting to know each other any less important. If you'd feel more comfortable diving into what you've been working on with other counselors and how things have progressed from your perspective, feel free. Or, if you'd rather, feel free to just tell me a bit about yourself."

Gabriel looked to her with surprise at the offer of an easier opening. He relaxed a bit, smiling as he sat back and caught a breath. "I - I'm in Security. It's what I do well. Give me a weapon, and I can do good. It's limiting being enlisted though. Gets frustrating, you know? But I do as much as I can, as much as I'm allowed."

Delainey nodded and offered a smile. "There is value in everyone's contributions here. How are you coping with your frustration? I know in the past that's been troublesome for you."

"It's - difficult," he admitted with a frown at his own trouble with it. "I know you say everyone's contribution is important, but, well, let's face it, some are more important than others. Officers have a more involved role. I was meant to be an officer. And I messed it up for myself. And it was my own stupid fault. That's why I get frustrated. I do a lot of training. To burn it off." He stopped, thinking that sounded okay, sensible, but he knew it wasn't completely true. He licked his lips, well it was true, just not all of it. And he knew from experience that keeping stuff from counsellors didn't work; they just got more suspicious. "And I go out a lot. Drink and dance. Get laid. Uses the energy up, and at least it's fun." Although the irony was that drinking and bars were part of what got him into trouble in the first place all those years back.

"Is it fun? I'm not sure if you're trying to convince me or yourself of that," Carlisle replied, gesturing to his lips and then her own. "I really appreciate your candor, but I can see you're nervous. Honestly, I haven't heard anything that would lead me to remove you from duty, and truly, if I had, I'd tell you and give you an opportunity to address it with me."

"I enjoy it," he gave her a smile, his dark eyes intense before he looked down to his hands. "Most times. Life and soul of the party me. Sometimes, it's just good to get out, you know? And it's not like there's a real bar or club here. We're all pretty closed in together on this ship."

Carlisle nodded. "We all need opportunities to blow off steam, and I know that can be difficult here. I get the sense you've also begun to see the downside to partying more than you have in the past."

"Yeah, it gets me stuck in the Enlisted," he said quietly, shaking his head. He sighed, frowning as he rubbed the back of his neck. "But I'm still good at my job. The last chief tried to tell me I wasn't. You can call me whatever you want, but I can hold my own at work. It's the only thing I'm good at, you know? Gotta have something."

Delainey considered his words and took a moment to weigh her response. "How do you think your superiors should have handled your off-duty misbehavior?"

"They did the right thing," he said quietly, shaking his head. "I was training to be an officer. I ended up being put in prison after a drunken fight while I had drugs in my system. I was lucky I was given a second chance as an Enlisted," he met her eyes, so she could see he meant it. "Prison gave me time to think about it. And get angry at myself for messing it up for myself. I did. No one else."

"Still I get the sense you haven't completely stopped seeing yourself as one who always messes up. Have you really let the past go?"

He sighed, frowning as he considered the question. He tilted his head up, to meet her eyes for a long moment, his own darker than usual with emotion. "Maybe not," he said quietly. "Cos I do mess up," he laughed weakly at himself, rubbing his forehead tightly. "Sorry. This is - I didn't plan to blurt this all out."

"No need to apologize for honesty," Delainey replied. "After all, I asked," she added with a grin. "Messing up's part of life, but I think with some people, it becomes such a pattern they begin to sabotage things out of fear. They don't know how to handle success and they become convinced they're going to fail, so they bring it about. It seems better than to live with the tension. I can only imagine prison didn't help your self-image and confidence."

"No," he shook his head with a frown, thinking back to the experience. He shivered, shaking his head firmly. "No it didn't. Had a long time to think though. About how I'd done it to myself. I just see red so quickly. Especially if something seems unfair, or unjust. Or when people wind me up. Or when people try to tell me what I am or what I'm not. Or when people pick on other people and think they can get away with it, because they're bigger, or higher in rank, or stronger. I just lose it. "

Delainey listened quietly. She appreciated Gabriel's candor and couldn't help but wonder if there was more to prison than even she knew. Judging by his shudder, she figured there was a lot more. However, deciding not to press, she offered, "I can give you tools to manage your anger, but if they're going to work, you're going to have to be willing to consider it's not what other people do or what happens to you that creates your anger, it's how you choose to see those things. Does that make sense?"

Gabriel sighed, frowning almost painfully. But he nodded, taking in a deep breath as he sat up straighter. "Yeah. Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. And I know you're right. I do."

"I realize it's going to take effort and practice for you to truly buy into the idea, but I appreciate your willingness to keep an open mind about the idea." Here she smiled. "You're not a bad guy, Gabriel. I believe that and in time, I want to help you believe it too."

Gabriel met her eyes with surprise, sitting back slowly as he caught his breath, rubbing the back of his neck. "I - thanks," he gave a crooked smile, shaking his head lightly. "Does that mean I'm cleared for duty?"

"If you agree to attend sessions as I see fit and you can manage to stay out of trouble in the meantime, I will clear you, but think of yourself as cleared with an asterisk, ok?"

"Always a but, right?" Gabriel chuckled, sighing as he shook his head. He had expected it though. Ever since he'd been given his second chance to enlist rather than reattend officer training it had been counsellorfied as he called it. And besides, they'd gotten on alright, hadn't they? "Fair enough, D, fair enough."

"D?" Carlisle asked, surprised. "I like it...and whether there's 'always a but' is completely up to you."

Gabriel gave a slight laugh at that, nodding. Yeah, wasn't it just. He stood, offering his hand across. "Thanks, I'll schedule something this time, don't worry, you won't have to chase me," he winked.

Delainey smiled. "Sounds good. Just remember, if you don't, I know where you live."

[OFF]

***

Lt. Delainey Carlisle, M.D., Ph.D.
Assistant Chief Counselor/Doctor
USS Galileo

PO2 Gabriel Stark
Security/Tactical
USS Galileo

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