Personal Log 009

Posted on 25 Mar 2013 @ 6:12pm by Lieutenant Lilou Zaren

278 words; about a 1 minute read

I have a strange sensation that I'm being watched. And an equally odd feeling that I've missed something. Something important. I'm not sure what. I sat at Quinn's desk - my desk - for almost twenty minutes today, staring at my PADD with the knowledge that I'd picked it up for some reason, but I couldn't remember why.

I wonder - what did I say to Lamar? It can't have been anything, can it? If I'd said anything about what... happened, he would have mentioned it. Wouldn't he? Or maybe he told me not to talk about it and that's why-

I wonder if I'm breaking apart.

I have dreams sometimes where I'm made of brittle clay, crumbling under his touch. Or worse, crumbling all on my own. Pieces falling away. I try to gather them back to me, but they won't stick. They're just crumbling pebbles in my hands.

Other times I wonder if my test tube origins have left me flawed somehow. No; I was wondering that. Before Liyar. So it's the fear, then, that makes me feel this cold and awkward. Because without it, I felt sane. For a short time, because of him, there were no numbers thrumming through my brain to keep me from leaking in public. I could relax and have fun - spirits, fun, I'd forgotten what that was like. Fun in a way that isn't associated with the sense of love and purpose I have for machines, but... other things. I'd missed those other things. I've missed me. And knowing that I'm still... that. Somewhere. How does that help me really when I can't access...

End Personal Log.

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