Killer

Posted on 26 Feb 2019 @ 5:34pm by Petty Officer 3rd Class Raine Ni-ya

398 words; about a 2 minute read

I find it difficult to fit in with...people. It is not a bad thing, it is just that they are so...good.

I mean, good. As in good, honest, decent, idealistic people. Problem is, I am not. I really am not. I know that. I know what taints me, the blood in my veins, what it stands for.

What I am.

I am a killer. I would not call myself a murderer. I killed because I was told to, because it made sense. I've killed because it was better to kill than to be killed, which would have been the reprisal.

So I walk amongst these people, these good and honest and true people, who feel passionate about things and feel joy. I force a smile. I try to adapt to their ways, because nothing seems as disconcerting to people to really see me. I mean, this me. What is inside. The darkness.

I don't think they realise how dangerous I am to them. I am trying to change. I wanted the world to change and I went against what I was taught because I convinced myself it was right. But truth is, the awkward truth is...

It doesn't matter. Nothing really matters, not really. I can try and succeed professionally, say the right words, get my name around and be recognised as someone not useless as what she does. But behind it, when you strip away that, I am not a person. I am a killer. I am distant. I struggle to connect to people. I see them as...objects, almost.

Or a choice.

Kill them or spare them.

Their genetics make sense, they are evolved. They did not mess their planet up. Would their DNA work well with ours? Would we be able to reproduce? Would they be the answer? What would it take to harvest that genetic makeup?

Yes. Those thoughts. So really, I think you understand now. You might greet me and I might smile. I might work alongside you and do a good job. I might shake my head or offer an opinion, but that is the edited side of me. It is the facade I present to the world now. And I will stick to it.

I mean...not like I got any choice. After all, I am a killer...but I am also a survivor.

And I want to live.

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