Peculiar

Posted on 30 Jun 2018 @ 8:01am by Lieutenant Aria Rice

699 words; about a 3 minute read

I saw Gabriel again. Gabriel! That fun, warm amazing man who I have missed so, so much! Seeing Gabriel again reminded me that parts of me haven’t changed. And I can tell something is a bit off. Last time I saw him, he was just getting involved with Mormont. I suppose that it didn’t last. I know I encouraged it but to be honest, to be truthful, romances within the Fleet never really last. You get separated by transfers and before you know it you are living without that person in your life. And you adapt and the love becomes a memory.

Love really works best when you are next to the person. From what I have seen anyway.

Because I’ve never been in love. I know, I know…I am getting on apparently (according to my mother!) and should settle. But I am not ready for that. I am most likely never going to be ready for settling down, having a family. It’s not that I don’t like kids. I love kids! Because at heart I am one myself. I am not ready to be a mother, I will most likely never be ready and because I have a brain it means I won’t do it. Not by accident, not by choice. That path isn’t my path.

Maybe I will one day wake up next to someone and it will be for every single morning for the rest of my life. Maybe not. A relationship is commitment. Compromises. Respect. And it requires a level of maturity I know I don’t have. Flings are fine. One night stands that I can joke away. Those work for me. Those are easy to navigate because it is friendship with sex. And sex is good, sex can be absolutely wonderful. You can learn so much from sleeping with someone, sharing a trust you’d never get in a thousand hours sitting and talking. You learn a person’s true self.

Unless of course the connection isn’t there, in which case you play it like a game and fake reactions and hope it is over soon. We’ve all been there! It’s the Tequila Shag. The one you regret and try and forget and blame a drink of your choice for what you did. For that bad decision. Maybe you were lonely. Maybe you thought for a moment that it could be better. Maybe you felt bad because you didn’t fancy them and yet it was sort of…expected.

Experience teaches you that actually, if it is expected it isn’t fun so you should say no and walk away. But experience comes with age so most of us have made that stupid mistake a few times. Well, I have. If you haven’t then I am impressed and proud of you.

But yes, Gabriel. He seemed…a bit sad. The light was not behind his eyes. Maybe he is lonely. I have been lonely. I want to ease that sadness from him. And by doing it, maybe I will ease my own one as well. It would be nice. So I will meet up with him and we will have fun. I will make him feel better because he is my friend and I love him unconditionally.

So…I have something to look forward to. I have a lot to look forward to.

Like friends and a new start. There's this song, this really ancient song I remember listening to in a class about...I suppose life. It has a line in it...what was it again...About lying in bed and crying to get everything out and you are...feeling a little peculiar.

It's how I feel sometimes.

A little peculiar.

But it's me and that's okay, I can live with it and I can get through it all. Because when everything is said and done, it's who I am, what I am. The sidekick, the joker, the one who will cheer on others. Everyone needs that, right? I can be Gabriel's sidekick for as long as he needs me. And he won't judge me for being a bit peculiar.

RSS Feed